Side notes to Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives
by Empress of Yaoi
Summary: A collection of drabbles that you didn't get to read in the main story. There may not be a clear timeline, but I'll put in the author's notes which chapters each drabble connects to -These are NOT separate stories, they are simply a compilation of previously unposted tidbits -Same warnings as the main story apply; Yoai, Swearing, mentions of pretty nasty stuffs. M for safety
1. The Fantasy Of Tsunade And Shizune

AUTHORS NOTE: This one was actually prompted by my marvelous Beta for Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives; The amazing, the wonderful, the one and only _Cherryflowerblossoms_. 

I'll quote her exact words for everyone's enjoyment, it feels kind of selfish to keep it to myself, these words that started it all: "Also, this: "the thought of the lean, carefree Kakashi chatting up big, grumpy Ibiki was almost too much" I died! DIED! That image is so damn funny! Omg" 

This entire drabble list is all thanks to her and that little prompt, honestly.  
Though these will most likely _not_ undergo her Beta, seeing as this one, in particular, is my little gift to her. And I also happen to know that she doesn't have a lot of time. And having the main story Beta'd is more important, honestly. 

Sorry, Cherry, this may not be exactly how you envisioned it, but… I thought putting the emphasis on the _fantasy_ part of the conversation was… Well, the only approach I could think of, honestly. I was about half-way through when I realized I could've gone the other way and just make it a scene… This was more fun to write, though ^.^

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to Chapter 48; The Importance Of Communication_  
Drabble title: The Fantasy Of Tsunade And Shizune/ Kakashi Chats Up Ibiki

XOXOX

The setting…. 

"It should be like a bar or something," Tsunade pondered. 

"Why is it always a bar with you?" The raven-haired woman laughed. 

"Well, where else would you go to pick up guys?" 

"Okay, you've got a point…" Shizune conjured up a naughty smile, "And it's completely filled with nothing but _totally_ hot guys!" 

"Of course, what else would you expect? Now… I'd say, Kakashi is lounging somewhere against the wall –" 

"That's him!" 

"Without a doubt. And then, Ibiki walks in…" 

Shizune pulled a face, "No, he'd have to be there longer, maybe just sitting at the bar. Kakashi's been watching him ever since _he_ came in." 

"Sounds plausible, okay, so… Ibiki is sitting at the bar –" 

"Slightly tipsy." 

"Shizune!" 

"What? If he's been there a while, that means he's been drinking, right? Do _you_ see the man sticking with club soda and orange juice?" 

"Maybe not…" The blonde conceded. 

"Like I said, _slightly_ tipsy, but still, you know, _aware_." 

"Aware of Kakashi watching him?" 

"Lady Tsunade, we're talking about highly trained shinobi here, of course he would be aware!  
Anyway, so Ibiki's drinking, and he's already sent everyone around him away, because –" 

"He can feel Kakashi's eyes on him!" Tsunade was really getting in to it now. 

"Just one eye though… And stop interrupting me, I'm trying to tell the story here!" Shizune chuckled self-consciously. 

"So he's sitting there, all alone, waiting for this _gorgeous_ dream of silver hair to find the courage to come and talk to him, right?  
And then he does…  
Kakashi tries to look casual as he saunters over, butterflies in his stomach but he won't show it.  
And he leans against the bar, you know, one hand resting on the wood behind him and the other on Ibiki's _strong_ shoulder. Leaning over he whispers into the larger man's ear; 'I want you tonight…'  
And –" 

"Just like that?" Tsunade smirked, "I thought we agreed the guy is a charmer! No, he wouldn't say that.  
He leans against the bar, one hand resting on the wood behind him, the other in his _pocket_ –" 

"Knowing Kakashi, probably fondling himself," Shizune pointed out, blushing. 

Tsunade doubled over in a fit of laughter, when she caught her breath again, she wiped the tears out of her eyes, " Seems fair enough… He _is_ the village pervert, after all…  
Anyway, so… He leans over, right? And then he… Yes! He steals Ibiki's whisky, tipping it back, and then he toys around with the ice cubes in his mouth –" 

"Is that even sexy?" Shizune asked her friend incredulously. 

"It seems to have done the trick for all those years…" Tsunade said thoughtfully, "But you shouldn't actually _know_ that, so… When we leave the office today, you have no clue," She winked.  
"In any case, Kakashi puts on his little show, and of course, Ibiki is mesmerized." 

"Of course." 

"I know, right? Guy's practically drooling…" 

"Hey, wait, lady Tsunade, that means he's taken off the mask, right?" 

"I suppose it does… Huh, I never thought about that before…Ibiki'd be mesmerized by the face alone…" 

Shizune blinked, "You've _seen_ it?" 

"Oh, _yeah_ …." Tsunade winked, "It's _definitely_ a sight to behold, my dear friend." 

She pondered the face of the silver-haired man for a moment, knowing even talking about _this_ much was a huge breach of confidence, her being his therapist and all…  
Still… "He looks _perfect,_ Shizune…  
Which, of course, Ibiki notices, too," She quickly continued with the story. 

"Well, _duh_ , Ibiki visibly _gulps_ of course!" 

Tsunade pointed at her friend in excitement, "And there's _no_ way that Kakashi wouldn't notice that! So he milks the moment for a little while…" 

"Hey, why is Kakashi the dominant one here... I think Ibiki would do great, too…" 

"Shizune, it's _Kakashi chatting up Ibiki._ Of course he's asserting some dominance." 

"True… Ibiki would probably just smash him into a wall, pull his pants down and take him right then and there," Shizune was blushing fiercely. 

A little moan escaped the Hokage's lips, "That would be _hot_." 

"Oh…. _Yes_ …" 

The two woman considered the mental picture for a little while, lost in just _how_ hot the sight would be, exactly. 

" _Phew,_ Shizune… I think I need a cold shower, now…" Tsunade flashed her a wicked grin, "But, _on_ with the story. The story being, Kakashi _chatting up_ Ibiki. _Not_ Ibiki taking him right then and there… " She swallowed, "Right, so… Toying with ice cubes…" 

"Ibiki moans softly." 

"Yes, _yes._ And he throws an arm around Kakashi, pulling him closer." 

"Flush against his own body, no doubt," Shizune added. 

"I'd imagine Kakashi wouldn't actually have to _say_ he wants him anymore at that point…" 

"Huh?" The younger woman looked a little confused. 

"He'd _feel_ it, if you catch my drift…" 

Shizune didn't. Clearly didn't. 

"Something hard pressing somewhere against Ibiki's ribs?" Tsunade teased. 

Her younger friend flushed again. Nodding animatedly, "So Kakashi wraps his own arm around Ibiki… Leaning over to whisper…" 

" 'You're hot'. That's what he'd say." 

"Okay, so he whispers; 'You're _hot_ , Ibiki.' And the man's voice will sent shivers down Ibiki's spine!" 

"No doubt," Tsunade chuckled, "And in a hoarse tone, he replies; 'So are you…' " 

" 'I want' – wait, is Kakashi a top or a bottom?" 

Tsunade smirked, "What would you say?" 

Shizune thought about it for a minute or so, "Top, definitely top. But I can't imagine Ibiki as a bottom, either…" 

"Who knows? Maybe the man has a soft side after all?" Tsunade chuckled again, knowing the truth made Shizune's assumptions even _more_ fun. 

"Okay… So Kakashi says… 'I wanna fuck you'…" She turned an even brighter shade. 

"That's not really chatting someone up, you know," Tsunade pointed out. Very much aware of the fact that it was probably a pretty accurate description of how the copy ninja had went about his business for all these years. 

"Right… So he says…. He says…" 

"How about, 'I wanna get your clothes off'? " 

"That sounds even dirtier!" 

"So what? The man has a dirty mind after all…" 

Shizune softly shook her head… 'What would you look like without all those clothes?'… How does that sound?" 

" _Long_." 

"Hmmm… 'Your clothes ain't sexy, Sexy'… " 

"He calls him 'Sexy'?" 

"Good point… Maybe he doesn't _say_ anything, _maybe_ he just slips one hand inside Ibiki's shirt," She smiled smugly, looking at Tsunade to see how the older woman would react to her suggestion. 

"That could work…" The blonde replied thoughtfully, "Moves his fingers around a little…" 

"Those long, _dexterous_ fingers of his…" Shizune unconsciously licked her lips. 

"Oh _yeah_ … And the bigger man Is panting, simply _pudding_ in his hands…" 

"Kakashi leans in and whispers; ' _Kiss me_ '…" 

"Definitely," Tsunade smirked, "And of course Ibiki has _no_ choice but to comply…" 

"Of course. So they kiss, long and slow." 

"But the kiss turns more and more passionate, they're _hungry_ for each other!" 

Both woman moaned softly – the picture they were painting together was just _too_ much…

"So, eh… After the kiss…" Shizune started again. 

"Ah, yes… They still need to breathe, right? So… _After_ …" 

"Panting, Kakashi brings his hand up to cup Ibiki's face." 

Tsunade frowned, "And stop _touching_ him?" 

"No, no, the hand that was still on the bar." 

"Oh, right… Cupping Ibiki's face he says…" 

Shizune giggled, " 'You taste _amazing_ '…" 

" 'Can't get enough,' And then he leans in for another kiss," Tsunade smirked, happy they'd created another make-out session. 

"The kiss is feverish this time, both of them moaning into it. And when they finally break for air…" 

"Yes?" Tsunade asked eagerly. 

"Hmmm…. 'Kakashi, I can't wait any longer, _take me_ '." Shizune smirked. 

Tsunade licked her lips, the scene clear in her head, " 'Oh _my_ , Ibiki, are you an impatient little boy?' " 

" 'Yes, _yes_ , I _am_ , _take me…_ Oh, please, Kakashi, _take me_.' And he pulls him even _closer_ against his own body, letting his hand wander down to – eh, well, Kakashi's _ass_ …" Shizune's blush had returned full force. 

"Cupping it, gently squeezing, making the younger man moan." 

"He, eh, lets his hand wander around a little, stroking," Shizune could feel her cheeks burn. 

"Kakashi is panting by this point, unable to stand up properly, leaning on Ibiki for support as his knees threaten to give way. Completely undone by the strong man massaging his ass…" 

"But, Ibiki is a bit of a sadist, right? He'd leave poor Kakashi dangling for a while…" 

A wicked grin spread over Tsunade's face, "Hey, who says we can't have a little battle for dominance…?" 

Shizune's eyes widened, pointing at the blonde she continued the story, "Kakashi finally regains his balance, brushing the other man's hand away. He leans over, nibbling on Ibiki's ear." 

"Who, in turn, almost falls of his barstool! Because _that_ is his weak spot!" 

"Yes, _yes,_ and… Hmmm… Yes, all of the sudden Kakashi stops, leaving Ibiki feeling… _unsatisfied_." 

"Horny, you mean," The blonde smirked again, "He's trembling, and Kakashi whispers in his ear: 'Beg for it, Ibiki. I want to hear you beg'." 

"Ibiki whimpers, unable to string the words together." 

"Kakashi pulls his hand out of Ibiki's shirt, reaching down…" 

"Down…?" 

" _Shizune!_ Reaching _down_ …" Eyebrows wiggled suggestively, and the raven-haired woman blush deepened again. 

"And… He starts to gently _stroke_ …" 

"Now you're getting it! Ibiki moans softly, grabbing hold of Kakashi's had, holding it still as he grinds against it." 

"Wait, they're still in a bar, right?" 

"Eh… yeah, we should fix that… How about this; 'Take me home, Kakashi'." 

"Kakashi purrs; 'I'm going to make you mine, baby'." 

" _Mine_?" Tsunade giggled, then cocked her head approvingly, "Sounds good." 

"He let's go of Ibiki's eh…" 

"Groin, throbbing erection, hot member, pulsing flesh…" 

"Lady _Tsunade!_ " Shizune was bright-red. 

Chuckling, Tsunade continued where her friend dared not, "Let's go of Ibiki's _throbbing member_ , taking a large hand in his own, paler one and pulling the older man up.  
Still holding on to Ibiki's hand, he leads them out of the bar –" 

"Wait, whose place are they going? I've never been to _either_ …" 

"Hmmm…. Kakashi's is _tiny_ , Ibiki wouldn't even _fit_ … " 

"How about a hotel? They're pretty heated by now, hotel's closer…" 

"Right, guides him through the dimly lit street, turning into the closest rent-by-the-hour motel –" 

This earned her a disapproving look from Shizune, "Not very romantic…" 

"It doesn't _have_ to be, they're _fucking_ …" 

A small sigh, "Okay, _fine_ , the closest _clean_ rent-by-the-hour motel, and – " 

"Those are _never_ clean, Shizune… And how would he even know which ones are, if there are any?" 

"Oh… I don't know," Shizune tried to look as innocent as she possibly could, "Maybe he's done this before…" 

For a moment, Tsunade got side-tracked, "Like, with whom?" 

"Let's see… Iruka! And… Raidou, and…" 

"Wait, more?!" Tsunade laughed, "We'll get to _those_ times later, right now, they're walking up the stairs –" 

"Trying to pull each other's clothes of. Something _rips_ –" 

"Kakashi's shirt! Ibiki rips it clean off him!" 

"Wow, lady Tsunade… You really wanna see this guy naked, huh?" 

Another smirk, "Can you blame me?" 

"Nope, I wanna see too! So… 'Ibiki…' He moans, as the other man pushes him against the wall, hands ghosting over Kakashi's pale chest, 'That feel so good…' Ibiki, eh…" 

"Pinches the man's nipple, eliciting another moan." 

"Right! But then, Kakashi pushes against the older man's shoulders, reversing their positions –" 

"Ibiki, now with his back against the wall, feels how his shirt is ripped open –" 

"Buttons flying off in all directions!" 

"Kakashi's lust is just too great, he hungrily attacks Ibiki's lips again, hands busying himself with opening the man's pants –" 

" 'No, wait,' Ibiki pants, 'Not here'." 

"He gasps as Kakashi cups his throbbing length through the pants, 'I can't wait any longer, Ibiki,' He almost growls –" 

Shizune's face split in a naughty grin, "But Ibiki all but throws the slender man off of him, grabbing him around the waist, he hoists Kakashi on his shoulder, carrying him to their door." 

Tsunade's eyes lit up, "Once inside, he throws the slender form down on the bed, straddling him as he opens the younger man's pants, pulling them down in one fluid motion." 

"Kakashi gasps, as he wasn't expecting that, the sudden cool breeze considerately cooling down his _hot member_ –" 

"Though not for long as Ibiki's lips enclose his throbbing cock! Sucking lightly, he licks his way around, slowly bobbing his head up and down. One hand steadying Kakashi's burning flesh, while the other toys around with his balls, making Kakashi squirm," Tsunade looked over at Shizune, amusement over the younger woman's embarrassment clear on her face, "To graphic for you?" She smirked. 

"No… Kakashi bucks his hips violently, thrusting into Ibiki's mouth," She swallowed, proud of herself that she'd gotten the words past her lips without fail or obvious hesitation. 

Tsunade nodded approvingly, "Ibiki takes it, loves it. And as Kakashi's hands hold his head firm in place, he can feel the copy ninja fucking his mouth." 

"Not too rough, though…" 

"Shizune, the guy _likes_ a little pain, so," She shrugged, "Kakashi is using him as a sex toy. And after a little while, he can feel himself tense up, shuddering as his orgasm crashes over him.  
Ibiki let's go of Kakashi's now wilted member, moving up for another passionate kiss." 

"Kakashi can taste himself on Ibiki's tongue, and he kisses back hungrily, mapping out the other's mouth. His hands wander back to Ibiki's… _Groin_ , undoing the buckle and zipping open the older man's pants. He pushes them down before rolling over so that Kakashi is now on top." 

"Are we gonna have another suck off?" 

"I dunno… I mean, we kind of established that Kakashi is the top, right? But…" 

"Yeah," Tsunade smirked, "He's not gonna be able to _perform_ right now," Chuckling, she continued, "His hands explore Ibiki's sex, before turning serious –" 

"Wait, aren't they going to need… eh, lube?" 

" _Technically…_ Whatever, we already established Ibiki is a masochist, right? So… Holding on with two hands, the younger man increases and decreases the pressure building up within Ibiki. The moans and pants from the man writhing under him reigniting his own lust." 

"Lust he already had, lady Tsunade, it's the erection that's lacking…" Shizune blushed brightly at her own words, she simply could not believe she'd actually just _said_ that. Out loud. 

"Right… That's kinda what I meant… Fine, have it your way, refueling his erection…? That doesn't sound right…" 

"Whatever, we get it. What happens next?" Shizune was obviously eager to hear what her friend would come up with next. 

"He roughly turns Ibiki around, pressing the man's face in the mattress while forcibly lifting his hips up…. At this point he should _probably…_ " Tsunade shrugged, it didn't matter how physically possible or how unbelievably painful this might prove to be, this was just a way to entertain themselves, after all… 

"Without another thought, Kakashi pushes in –" 

" _Ouch!_ " 

Tsunade chuckled, "Masochist, Shizune… Anyway, you have a point… Ibiki cries out, whimpering in pain as the other man wastes no time in working up a pace. Bringing one hand around, Kakashi pumps Ibiki's member is rhythm with his own thrusts, and before long, Ibiki – " 

The door opened, causing Tsunade to quickly break off her tale. 

"Lady Hokage," Ibiki Morino, stepped in the office, trying to ignore the obvious blush that the Hokage's assistant sported, as well as her examining gaze. 

"I have the report for last week's progress in Interrogation. Would you like to go over it together?" 

"Eh… No, Ibiki, I'm sure it's fine. I was actually busy at the moment. Just leave it here, I will look at it later. If there are any questions I know where to find you." 

"Very well," Leaving the scroll on the table, the interrogator bowed before exiting the office. 

Shizune giggled nervously, "That was _too_ close!" She whispered. 

Amused, Tsunade smiled back at her, the shock of what had just almost happened causing her eyes to open wide. A chuckle escaped her. And another. Soon they were laughing together, like they hadn't done in a long time. 

Eventually, Tsunade managed to catch enough breath to squeeze some words out, "I thought this was about Kakashi _chatting the guy up_! We made them _fuck!_ " She almost managed to whisper the words that no-one else was supposed to hear, ever. 

"Lady Tsunade… Let's never do this in your office again!" Shizune's low voice was riddled with chuckles. And moments later, both doubled over again, laughing.  
Unable to stop, they were still laughing as night fell over Konoha…

XOXOX

 _ **A/N:**_ What I find _so_ funny about this, is that I actually sort of wrote out the convo that goes on in my head when I write smut xD Although… It's only sort of ;) 

In case some of this sounded somewhat familiar… Yeah, I was kind of… Out of fresh inspiration, I guess… Anyway, I got a pretty decent thing going here, right? :P  
Not that it was the way the whole thing was _supposed_ to go… hehe, sorry guys, the smut cut in! I am _so_ not sorry…


	2. The Conversation That Made Me Sick

AUTHORS NOTE: Drabble from way back in chapter 8; The Hurt One Man Can Cause.  
I figured I only gave you a small portion of the conversation between Asuma and Shikamaru, and I kind of felt like writing the whole thing from Asuma's perspective. Most likely prompting all of you to hate the guy even more, but… This was _way_ back when, please remember that ;) 

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's s moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^ 

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to Chapter 8; The Hurt On Man Can Cause_  
Drabble title: The Conversation That Made Me Sick To My Stomach

XOXOX

Asuma shivered as the front door closed behind the boy, this had been one of the most awkward conversations the man had ever had. He lit another cigarette, his mind drifting back to the words that were spoken in this exact room mere minutes ago. 

XOXOX

"Asuma, why did you call me here?" 

"I just wanted to see that you were safe, is that so weird? You're my student, Shikamaru, I care about you. Don't you care about me too?" 

The boy flushed, "I… I do. Of course I do." 

"See," The bearded jounin sat back a little, taking a drag from his cigarette, "That's why you're here. When you care about someone, you want to let them know you're home safe." 

"I'm safe…" 

"I can see that," He smiled, "So, how did the mission go? Kakashi give you a hard time?" 

"No… No, not at all, why would you even _think_ that?" The boy had an incredulous look on his face as he stared at the older man. 

"Kakashi can be tough to deal with, is all. Don't get your panties in a twist over it… I mean, the guy hardly even speaks…" 

"We spoke a lot, though…" 

"Oh?" He raised his eyebrows in surprise, "About what?" 

"Just… _Stuff_ , I guess…" 

Asuma was getting curious now. Leaning over, he placed his arms on his knees, studying the Nara's face. Suddenly, he burst out laughing, falling back against his worn-out couch, pointing at his old student, "You're _blushing_ , kid!" 

"So…?!" A small frown appeared, but it didn't deter Asuma at all. 

"What did the pervert have to say, then? He corrupt you already?" Still chuckling, he gave the boy a once-over. 

"No… I'm not corrupted… I just… We _talked_ , okay. Fuck off…" 

Something in his tone worried the older man, quickly calming down, he looked at his young charge once more, "Shikamaru, is something wrong?" 

"No…" 

"You can talk to me about it, you know." 

"No…" 

"Is that what you and Kakashi talked about?" 

"Yes…" 

"Then why can't you tell _me_? We're friends right?" 

"Yeah…" 

"Then why not, Shikamaru? Certainly _we're_ a lot closer than you and Kakashi…" 

"No…" 

The jounin blinked, this was news to him, "Why are you so close with Kakashi anyway, Shikamaru?" 

"He gets me… He understands what it is I can't tell you…" 

"You can tell me _anything_ , Shikamaru, you know that." 

"I can't tell you this." 

"Oh come on, you tell me whatever it is that you say you can't tell me and I'll _prove_ it to you," He dared. 

"Fine," The boy huffed, "I can't tell you that I'm in love with you." 

Asuma froze, then took a drag from his smoke. Deliberately keeping his tone soft and calm he replied, "Okay… That was fun, now why don't you start telling me the truth…" 

"That _is_ the truth, Asuma! I'm in love with you, have been for a long time, and I never told you because I _knew_ you'd react like this…"

Again, Asuma tried his best to stay calm, to not let his emotions show. He took another drag, frowning as he noticed the cigarette was all but gone. Lighting another, he took a deep drag, steadying himself. 

"Shikamaru… That's disgusting. You didn't _really_ think I was going to go along with that, did you?" 

"Of course not," It was a mere whisper, the boys gaze fixed on the coffee table. 

"Did you consider the fact that I'm a straight man, Shikamaru? That what you're thinking about is _wrong_?" 

"It's not like I _wanna_ think about that… I never _planned_ to fall for a guy…" He muttered. 

"Right… It happens…" _And hopefully you'll grow out of it…  
_

"Asuma, I'm _sorry._ "

"It's okay, kid. I mean, you can't really decide who you're gonna fall in love with I suppose," Asuma stated slowly as he lit another cigarette. 

_And someday, you'll have gotten past all this disgusting stuff, and we'll laugh about it together. About how young you were back then, and how innocently you confused your feelings for me._

"No…"

 _Right, it's not_ _ **his**_ _fault after all, he's still a kid. He has the right to make mistakes, to learn from those.  
But… This is going too far, now. It's __**one**_ _thing to have an innocent little crush, but_ _ **this**_ _…!_

"Shikamaru!" Asuma tried to ban the overwhelming anger out of his voice, but couldn't, "Stop _looking at_ me like that, Goddamnit!"

"Like what?" 

_Are you fucking kidding me?! Innocent crush my ass, Shikamaru! You disgusting, filthy_ _ **faggot**_ _!_

"Like… Like you're trying to undress me with your eyes!" The words were hard to say, the whole thing was so _sickening_.

 _Who the_ ** _hell_** _does this kid think he is, anyway?! I'm a_ ** _guy_** _for Christ's sake! Why the hell is he_ ** _looking_** _at me like that?!_

"I wasn't-"

"Spare me your excuses, Shikamaru Nara! Just – just get the hell out!" 

_That's right! Get away from me, you freak!  
_

He watched as the boy got up. Shikamaru walked over to the door, glancing over his shoulder once more before his hand gripped the door handle. 

Asuma simply stared him down, this was too revolting, too nauseating for him. The bearded man could barely breathe. 

The boy left, and Asuma sighed. 

_This can't be happening. Shikamaru… He's like a little brother!  
I feel sick… _


	3. Your Blush Is So Cute

AUTHORS NOTE: So this is just a little tidbit, not very long… It's Kakashi's thoughts as he walks into the bedroom, very scantily clad in just a towel, because he heard the voices of Shikamaru and Tsunade. Let's have a little looksie on _his_ take on Shikamaru's blush at that time, shall we? 

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to Chapters 33 & 35; Do The Leaves Not Change Color Throughout The Year / A Day In The Life Of A Busy Hokage  
_Drabble title: Your Blush Is So Cute…

XOXOX

Kakashi heard voices in the bedroom, Shikamaru and… Tsunade? 

_Damnit! Not_ _ **her**_ _again!  
_

"I think you should go home now. I'm actually surprised you're still here at this point, but I'm happy to see you kept your promise and haven't left him alone. But you should go get some rest now. I'll take over." 

_What the –  
_

Quickly stepping into the bedroom, he almost scowled, "Are you going to tie me up again, Tsunade?" 

He was angry, but, as his gaze accidentally drifted over to his young friend, he almost chuckled regardless. 

_He's blushing… Is it the lack of clothing, Shikamaru? Didn't expect it, I suppose…  
So you think I'm hot, huh? Well, you __**did**_ _call me 'sexy as fuck' only yesterday… And that's certainly quite the compliment, coming from you. You've got good taste, kid, and if I'm included in those tastes… Hmm, you're sexy as fuck too, though… And cute. And_ _ **way**_ _too young for me, just a teenager…  
_

_Tsunade's mad… What else is new… So she noticed the blush too, eh? Kind of hard to miss, I suppose…  
But this is __**my**_ _apartment, Tsunade, I'll walk around whatever way I damn well please. Sure, I didn't_ _ **mean**_ _to make Shikamaru blush, even though it's so cute… You just startled me, is all. So I came to check. I know I shouldn't be thinking about him the way I do sometimes, and I know I shouldn't tempt him with my body – god, that sounded dirty. Still… I am, aren't I? He likes guys, and he knows what he likes. And, apparently… He likes me. He's just a kid, though, just a teenager…  
_

"Look, I'm gonna stay the night here, don't worry Lady Hokage, I won't let him do anything to hurt himself. There's no need to tie him up, if this somehow _does_ get out of hand, I still have my shadows." 

_Shi – No! After all we've been through! No, I_ _ **refuse**_ _to believe you just actually_ _ **said**_ _that! I'm not–  
_

"Shadows?! _Hurt_ myself?! Shikamaru, who do you think I _am_? I'm not some broken teenager that needs to be restrained, I'm just…" 

"I _know_ that, it's the Hokage that seems to have forgotten. There's no way I think you're actually going to do something like that, but my mom taught me that the woman is always right, even when they're wrong." 

He watched his friend shrug, feeling a little relieved.

 _He doesn't believe it himself… He's just trying to get Tsunade out of here… Thank god, he doesn't think I'm some unstable monster… Even if I_ _ **am**_ _… Actually, no. I'm not. Not right now. Right now, I'm relishing in that blush you've still got on your face. You're cute like this, Shikamaru.  
Way too young, but… So cute._


	4. He Grew Up

AUTHORS NOTE: Iruka's POV, after the creative swearing chapter. Yeah, that's what I'm calling it. Just deal :P 

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to Chapter_ 36: The Cracks, The Shards, Whole Again  
Drabble title: He Grew Up

XOXOX

As Iruka left Kakashi's apartment, he let his mind wander. 

_So Shikamaru as well… I suppose I shouldn't be_ _ **that**_ _surprised… There's just some vibe surrounding the boy. Always has. Actually, I was always surprised the girls didn't squeal over him, guess Sasuke proved to be too much of a distraction to them. Honestly, I'd say Shikamaru is the handsomer of the two…  
_

_Asuma… He's never going to just accept this, is he? I'm well aware that I don't even know the guy that well, but… He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who's deal with information like that very well…  
And Shikaku… Kakashi's probably right, the guy knows by now. I can't help but feel a little sorry for the kid.  
_

_Kid._ The chuunin all but scoffed. _Kids aren't even supposed to_ _ **know**_ _words like that._ _ **Especially**_ _not my former students. Just because… I_ _ **taught**_ _him, he used to be so cute back then, they all were!  
And now he's… Grown up, I suppose.  
_

_He's using words like that, and he has a crush – and_ _ **what**_ _kind of crush! It's a guy, fine, I don't really care about that, but… Asuma's twice his age! Kakashi is too…  
_

_Do they even realize what's happening? Can they see it?  
Kakashi said Shikamaru and_ _ **I**_ _were in sync, but… Those two… Well, they_ _ **are**_ _both geniuses of course, and they've gone through a lot together these past few days. They probably understand each other better than anyone else could ever manage…_

 _I shouldn't even_ _ **think**_ _about this, of course they're not. I must be wrong.  
It's not like __**I'm**_ _an expert on love or anything…_

 _What I need, is a nice cup of tea… and maybe some dango. Yeah, dango sounds_ _ **really**_ _good right now…_


	5. Honestly, I Mean Well

AUTHORS NOTE: So, this is Kakashi´s POV, after he left the bathhouse, and then all through the night. It´s a long one, I hope you enjoy! 

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to Chapter 4; The Comfort Of Not Being Alone_  
Drabble title: Honestly, I Mean Well

XOXOX

As Kakashi left the bathhouse, he hummed a little tune. Shikamaru's crush had been an unexpected one, but certainly interesting. 

_So… Asuma… well, I can certainly see the attraction. Huh, I've seen it for years. Not that I should ever tell Shikamaru that… Or should I?  
_

_He really was almost crying when he first spoke about it, guess it's to be expected though… I felt the same, didn't I?  
Asuma… Wonder if it's his first crush… If it's a temporary thing… If so, I should __**really**_ _back off here. But if it's not… He's going to need a friend. Hell,_ _ **I**_ _still need a friend, and it's been years…  
_

_I've got Iruka, of course, and the other guys as well. But… I shouldn't even think about this though, for all I know it's just a teenage crush. It'd be way too dangerous to go assuming anything else.  
But then… Why the butterflies in my stomach? Well, obviously, because the kid's hot. He's a Nara… They're __**all**_ _hot… Damnit! He's just a_ _ **kid**_ _! Why did I have to go and embarrass him like that? Oh, but it was so_ _ **easy**_ _, so freakin'_ _ **irresistible**_ _…  
_

_He must hate me by now, though… I… Did_ _ **that**_ _to him…  
_

A wry smile appeared on the jounin's face. 

_Poor kid, he must think the pervert of Konoha is after him, now. I'm not, though. But I just couldn't resist. Okay, maybe I'm after him a_ _ **little**_ _… Only as a friend, though.  
_

_Darn, I could use a smoke…  
_

He turned into the little convenience store he was just passing. 

_Might as well… I'll get some sake, too. Might help him relax a little. Wait, he's underage, right?  
But it'll help him sleep, too. He hasn't been sleeping lately. Whatever, I'll risk it.  
_

Grabbing a bottle, he pondered the other options for a little while, before deciding to stick to the mildest stuff he could find. The kid had probably never had a drop of alcohol in his life, wouldn't do to get him drunk. Deciding he'd just mooch a couple of cups from the Inn lady, he turned to the counter. 

"This, and a pack of smokes please." 

"Any brand in particular, young man?" 

_Young man? I'm almost thirty… For a shinobi, that's almost_ _ **old**_ _…  
_

"The one on the right, please. Also… A lighter." 

"Sorry buddy, I only have matches." __

Kakashi smiled, his eye crinkling in the process, "Matches are fine."

As he handed over the cash, Kakashi studied the older man for a brief moment. 

_For an old guy, he's pretty hot… I should_ _ **really**_ _stop thinking stuff like that…  
Still… Strong jaw line, sharp, intelligent eyes… His body ain't bad either… Apparently he still keeps it up, even at his age. Ugh, __**stop this Kakashi!  
**_

After thanking the man, and suppressing the urge to apologize for having dirty thoughts the guy clearly wasn't aware of, he walked out again. 

_I probably shouldn't walk in carrying a bottle of sake… Sakura already seems to think the worst of me…  
_

He pulled a face.  
Making a slight detour, he jumped from rock to rock until he reached his balcony. The door to the inside of the room was locked, but that didn't really matter anyway. He just put the bottle down in the corner by the door, making a mental note not to forget to pick it up again later. 

He made his way back down again, thanking his stroke of luck has he saw the old lady that ran the inn turning into the kitchen. He quickly followed, softly clearing his throat so as not to startle the woman. 

"Oh, mister Hatake! Dinner will take a little while longer, I'm afraid. Oh, and one of your young companions still hasn't returned. The one with the dark hair, should I sent someone after him?" 

He smiled, the maternal way she spoke to him softening his heart. "No, no. I'm sure Shikamaru is fine. He's just taking a long bath is all. I was actually hoping I could ask a small favor of you…" 

"Oh?" Head cocked to the side, she studied him for a moment. 

"Yes, you see… I was hoping I could borrow two cups from you, without the others knowing, that is," He rubbed the back of his head, feeling a little uncomfortable. 

"Are you having a lady friend over?" She winked at him, causing the man to sigh, old ladies always thought they had everything figured out, didn't they? 

"No, no, nothing like that… Actually… Shikamaru – the one that's still out, he's… Not been feeling very… Happy, I guess, lately. I just kind of found out what's up, but I figured the kid could use a good talk as well. So… I mean, I know he's too young and all, but… " 

"I saw you, went to check. I put the sake on the dresser. I actually thought you were planning to drown your own sorrows, but this is a much better use for the bottle. I'll add the two cups, young man, don't worry." 

_Again with this 'young man' business… Although,_ _ **she's**_ _actually old…  
_

"Eh… Thank you." 

She studied him a little while longer and the jounin grew increasingly uncomfortable under her gaze. It seemed the woman was looking straight _through_ him. Eventually though, she turned away, pointing at a pot on a high cabinet. 

"Could you please get that for me? Usually I'd just grab a stool, but…" 

"Oh, sure. No problem," He quickly stepped forward, reaching up. The woman only reached up till about his chest, after all. And if he could help her out with such a little thing… 

"You shouldn't worry so much, you know. There's nothing wrong with you." 

"Eh?" He turned on his heels, almost dropping the pot. 

"So the kid too, huh? I suppose it's a good thing you found out then. Maybe you can talk him down a little, he seems so agitated. But then again, so do you…" She cocked her head, studying him again. 

"I'm not sure I'm following, ma'am…" He said slowly, placing the pot on the stove with shaking hands. 

"You're gay, aren't you? That's what's been bothering you. My son used to have that exact same look in his eyes… So sad." 

"I… eh, I don't think…" 

"Oh, it's quite alright, lad. You're secret is safe with me." 

He could only stare at her, swallowing hard. She seemed to understand, though, giving his arm a comforting squeeze. 

"Just calm down, son. I'll get started on dinner and then bring the cups up, alright? You just go and do whatever it is you feel you should be doing right now. I don't really mind you sticking around, but I'm pretty sure you want to get out of here now," She winked at him, before turning to the fridge. 

"Right… Yes… I eh, should go now… Thank you," He left as soon as the words had left his lips, startled by this woman's perceptiveness. 

Turning into the hall, he could hear Sakura happily chatting away in the dining room. Probably talking poor Shino's ear off. Kakashi was just glad she hadn't found _him_ first. Bypassing the two chuunin, he quickly took the stairs, two steps at a time. He really needed to be alone, right now. 

As Kakashi slid open the door to the room that had been assigned to him, the first thing he noticed was that the bottle of sake was indeed sitting on the dresser. He shrugged, sighing a little uncomfortably. 

_I thought I was hiding it pretty well, but if some little old lady I've never even_ _ **seen**_ _before figured me out that easily… Who else knows? Has this entire façade been for naught?  
_

Opening the door to the small balcony, the silver-haired man worried the inside of his lip.  
As soon as he stepped out, he picked the cigarettes out of his pocket, sighing once more as he eyed the pack. 

_I really shouldn't. I'd basically be admitting that I feel horrible… Well, I admitted_ _ **that**_ _to myself just by_ _ **buying**_ _them, guess it can't exactly hurt to go through with it now…  
_

He pulled down the mask, there was no-one else around anyway, and it was dark. Besides, his balcony overlooked the surrounding area, the town was on the other side of the inn. And right now, he'd rather actually _feel_ the cigarette between his lips. 

Lighting one, he could feel his hands tremble. 

_She figured me out… But, she also said that I shouldn't worry so much about it. On the other hand, she knows_ _ **nothing**_ _about me, about my life. I can't_ _ **not**_ _worry about it. Not in my situation…  
_

_Still, that's at least_ _ **one**_ _person that's not disgusted… It's kind of nice, I suppose…  
'Talk him down a little' – yes, ma'am, that's __**exactly**_ _what I plan on doing. He's going to need it. Though I'm not sure Shikamaru even wants to be around me anymore at this point…  
_

_I should've kept my distance a little more. But it's so hard, sometimes… It's been so long, after all… Not that that's any kind of excuse, he's just a_ _ **kid**_ _, for cryin' out loud! A hot one…_ _ **Stop**_ _that. Damnit. If I keep this up, I might have to –_ _ **No**_ _. Never again. I was an idiot for ever going there, I'm not getting sucked back into that world! It's not going to happen.  
_

_I'll just… Take care of things myself.  
_

Another wry smile tucked at his lips, and the silver-haired man sighed. 

"I already told you not to be so hard on yourself, young man. There's not much more an old woman like me can do for you…" 

He turned on his heels. _How did I not hear her come in?! Oh,_ _ **crap,**_ _the mask!  
_ Tugging at the fabric, he looked away. 

"Don't bother, son, I already saw." 

He turned back to her, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head, "Eh… It's just…" He felt his body slump back against the railing, "I suppose it doesn't really matter, anyway," He offered her a soft smile, "It's not like you know what it's for…" 

"Hmmm, to protect yourself from the hordes of young ladies that would pursue you otherwise?" She cocked her head again, a cheeky smile on her face. 

"Eh… No. Nice try, though…" He took another drag from his smoke, studying the small form standing in the middle of the room. 

"At any rate, it doesn't really matter to me," She smiled, "Your young friend has returned, by the way, he's looking a little better." 

"Ah, that's… Good to know. Thank you." 

She nodded, "Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes or so. I'm not coming back up here to call you then. Just so you know," She winked again, "My tired old bones can't do everything that you youngsters do so easily anymore. I'll be going straight to bed after you've had your dinner. If there's anything you need, my room is right below the staircase. Just knock." 

She turned to leave again, calmly shuffling out of the room. 

"Wait! I… Thank you." 

She shot him a warm smile over her shoulder, but didn't stop walking.  
He heard her make her way down the stairs, flicking his bud into the night, the copy ninja smiled. 

_Thank you.  
_

XOXOX

As he left the dinner table, Kakashi gave the young Nara a small nod.  
 _We'll talk tonight,_ it said, _Don't forget.  
_ Clearly, the boy had gotten the message, because Kakashi could _see_ him gulp. Smiling softly, he walked up the stairs. 

_I'll be gentle, Shikamaru, don't you worry your pretty little head one bit. I promised, didn't I? Besides, I can definitely sympathize. It's quite the situation you've suddenly found yourself in. I won't be too hard on you. I'd hate it if someone did that to me, and don't they say 'Do unto others –' Okay, I can't remember the last bit right now, but you catch my drift , right?  
_

_Don't worry, I know how it feels, better than anyone else, I know how it feels.  
I remember the first time I felt like that… He was so beautiful. Why did everything turn out like that? It still doesn't seem fair… All I ever did was try to get my first kiss… It's in the past now, though. I shouldn't think on it anymore. I'm __**not**_ _going to weigh this kid down with my bad memories. Only the good ones. Hmmm… Good memories? There aren't too many of them, I'm afraid… Okay, so maybe no memories at all. I doubt he's interested in some old guy's life story anyway.  
_

_But I_ _ **will**_ _have to find a way to put the kid at ease a little…  
_

Stepping out unto the balcony once more, he lit another smoke. The lights in the room were dimmed, bright light would only make the conversation to come that much harder on both of them. He'd also left both the balcony door and the door to the hall open just a little, when Shikamaru came up, he would hear him. 

_I'm pretty sure he's going to try to slip past. I'd do the same if I was in his shoes… But I won't allow it, Shikamaru, this is too important. If I didn't get that message before, that old lady sure made it clear to me.  
_

_It's not… Bad, or anything. It's simply who I am. Just another part of me that the world will never know. Just another part of me that's hidden away, like my face, like my time with ANBU… I don't want you to turn into me, Shikamaru. It's a horrible path to follow, and it won't do you any good. No, learn from my mistakes and don't even_ _ **attempt**_ _to go there, that's all I want. If I can safe even_ _ **one**_ _person from this fate, then it's all been worth it – well, sort of, anyway…  
_

_Asuma… I remember when I used to follow the guy around like a lost puppy… And apparently, Asuma's the kind of guy that kicks lost puppies a lot. Though I_ _ **did**_ _crack some pretty fucking_ _ **stupid**_ _jokes back then…  
_

_Like when he finally came home after he left the Guardian Shinobi Twelve… I was the stupid idiot who asked if he'd finally ditched those guys for me… Sure, I was joking, but… I grossed him out. I know I did. What did he say again, exactly? 'I didn't ditch_ _ **anyone**_ _for you, you're_ _ **weird**_ _... Are you a faggot or something?_ ' _Right, and then he asked where Kurenai was… Always Kurenai with that guy… Sure, she's cute, if you're into that sort of thing…  
_

The copy ninja snorted, Asuma was _definitely_ into that sort of thing. 

_Did he even_ _ **realize**_ _how much he hurt me back then? Probably not. After all, he doesn't know, right? He never will, either.  
_

A scowl appeared on his face. 

_Telling a homophobe like Asuma would be the most_ _ **idiotic**_ _thing I could ever do… Still… The guy broke my heart so many times over… And then there was Genma. Oh,_ _ **god**_ _, Genma…  
_

A light blush tinted his cheeks as he felt his body respond. Genma looked even better than Asuma'd ever done. Genma was… Perfect. 

_Even after all these years…  
_

His hand unconsciously slipped inside his pants, gently massaging. A slight chuckle escaped him. 

_Wouldn't do to face Shikamaru with a big bulge in my pants… Hah, now_ _ **that**_ _would be embarrassing…  
_

For a little while, conscious thought went out the window, images flashed before his eyes as the silver-haired man easily worked his body. He'd done this so many times before, he didn't really need much time. 

"Ah…" He blushed a little, usually, not a sound would escape him, but right now, with everything going on, his reserve had slipped a little. Not that it was loud at all, even if someone had been standing out on the hall, they probably wouldn't have heard him. 

Taking but a few seconds, he stared off into the distance, gathering himself. After that, the man moved swiftly, throwing on a clean pair of underwear and pants, stuffing the other set into his backpack. He listened at the door for a little while, but it seemed that the Nara still wasn't coming up. 

_I'll wait then, have another smoke.  
_

Out on the balcony, the vast emptiness around him drew his gaze. 

_There's absolutely nothing out there… We've got quite the track in front of us.  
_

He sighed. Inhaling deep, he blew little smoke circles. 

_It's like me, really. Empty... I shouldn't think about that anymore, not right now at least. I was supposed to talk Shikamaru down, put him at ease. Can't do that if I'm getting all down in the dumps here. But I can't very well think about hot guys anymore either, for one, I only brought one change of clothes…  
_

He was pulled out of his thoughts by soft footsteps on the stairs. 

_So, he finally gave up, huh? Took you long enough, kid. And you're complaining again. Cute, but you're not getting away from me now.  
_

Flicking his cigarette away, he quickly walked through his room, sliding the door open just in time.  
He really couldn't help the smile on his face, happy as he was he'd caught the boy who was obviously trying to slip by.

"Ah, Shikamaru! There you are. I've been waiting, come in!" 

As Shikamaru obeyed his almost-command, he could see the boy's gaze drift around the room, taking in every little detail, eventually coming to a rest on the sake that was still on the dresser. Kakashi felt like he needed to explain, it wasn't like he was trying to get the kid drunk so he could get in his pants or anything. 

_I really have to stop thinking these dirty thoughts…  
_

"I told you I was going to be nice, didn't I? The sake is just there in case you want some. It can help loosen the tongue," He winked, hoping to put the boy at ease a little.

Shikamaru ignored him and walked over to the bed, dropping on the floor just in front of it. 

_Okay… Fine.  
_

Closing the door, he sat down across from him. The room was so small their knees were all but touching. 

_That's… I didn't count on that. This may be a little too close for comfort – on my part at least. I wonder how he feels about it…  
_

Kakashi studied the younger man intently, hoping for a sign at least. He wanted to know if the close proximity was too much, he needed to know if this Asuma-thing was just a teenage crush, or an indication of something a little… _More_. 

Out of nowhere, Shikamaru lifted his gaze, a frown on his face, "Look, I don't know what you want from me, okay?" 

_Really? I thought I made it perfectly clear, kid…_

"Well, the whole story. What happened? Why did you fall you fall in love with him? What do you think about his assets?" 

_Let's see here… How deep can I get you to blush? Also, how much are you going to inadvertently give away? Because I really don't feel like coming out if you're just in this for a few months…  
_

"He's always there for me, he gets me, he's great company…" 

The boy stopped talking, looking a little sheepish. The silver-haired man could hear him take a deep breath. 

"And he's sexy as hell." 

The boy tried a smirk – that didn't exactly come out right. A little shrug tucked at the Nara's shoulders before he sighed, "And that's all I have to say."

Shikamaru looked away, bright-red. 

_Okay… So that much is clear, you have good taste. Now, does that taste extend to other men as well? Come on, kid. Give me something here. I want to help you, I really want to, but…  
_

He swallowed. 

_This is scary for me too, you know…? No, you don't know, you just think the pervert's stuck his nose in. No doubt you don't hold me in high regard right now, either. Just like Sakura. Wait – isn't that her? Yes… She_ _ **and**_ _Shino. Going to bed, no doubt. It's already gotten late…  
_

Cocking his head to the side, he still watched Shikamaru, hoping for a clear sign which way the boy swung. But at the same time, Kakashi was a curious man, and as such, tried to listen in on the hushed conversation on the other side of the thin wall. 

"Shino, I'm sure it'll be alright…" 

"I wish I could have as much faith in the matter as you seem to have, Sakura…" 

"We'll see, just you wait, Shikamaru's going to be fine. He has to, right? He's our friend. If he's not getting back from this…" 

"We will help him, Sakura. One way or the other, he will be alright again. But right now, let's just go to bed. We still have a mission to occupy ourselves with as well." 

"Yeah… You're right, Shino. Good night." 

"Good night, Sakura."

He could hear their doors slide shut, followed by the muffled sounds of two people quietly getting ready for bed. When Kakashi felt sure the two were at least in bed, if not sleeping already, he leaned over to the young Nara. Decision made now, he smiled his eye-crinkling smile, whispering, "So, do you often fall head over heels for other men?" 

He watched in amusement as the boy froze on the spot for the second time today. His head snapped up, apparently he was trying to stare the jounin down. It was funny, so he chuckled. 

"I presume I can take that as a 'yes' then?" 

"Shut up," Shikamaru instantly retreated, hunching his shoulders in an attempt to protect himself. 

He leaned back a little, resting his back against the wall, "No, Shikamaru…" He drawled out, "I don't think I will…" 

Studying the young Nara for a few moment, Kakashi decided he was just going to risk it. The boy looked so lost right now, so utterly scared… He had to do _something_. 

' _Talk him down a little,' I'll do my best, ma'am._

"I'll give you this, though; You've got good taste." 

He chuckled as the Nara looked up at him again, surprise clear on his face. 

"I mean, sure, he looked even better a couple years ago, but you can't exactly know that… I'd say… Nineteen. Yes, nineteen was his prime… Didn't have those worry lines yet… " 

"What the –…" He watched the boy frown, looking quizzical but still so afraid. 

He sighed, "Relax kid. It's not like I have a problem with it," A small chuckle escaped him, "Not at all. I've actually got a pretty decent idea what it feels like, you don't have anything to fear from me." 

"You…?" 

Another chuckle, "Yes. Does it surprise you?" 

"I… Guess…" 

He smiled at him, relieved that Shikamaru seemed to relax a little, leaning over again, he whispered once more, a smile in his voice, "So, apart from that bearded dream of a sensei of yours… Who else?" 

Shikamaru gulped, then smirked, "What, guys? Several…" 

"Hmmm? Tell me," He couldn't help but grin. 

_So I was right after all. Well, actually grandma was…  
_

The Nara worried the inside of his lip for a while, still looking insecure, "You first," He eventually dared him. 

"No worries…" Leaning back again, the silver-haired man let his mind wander, "Where to start, though…" 

The kid's eyes widened, "That many…?" 

Kakashi chuckled again, he was really starting to have fun here, "Oh, but I've been at this for a lot longer, kid. And we just happen to work with some pretty hot guys… Hmmm, I've always though Inoichi looked pretty good, maybe a bit too feminine though…" 

_Let's start this of slow, just to be sure. Inoichi really does look pretty good, nowhere near what I really like, though. So that should be safe enough. And Shikaku and Inoichi don't really hang out all that much anymore, so he can't really know the guy too well, I suppose.  
_

"Long hair, dude? Seriously?" An incredulous look appeared on the Nara's face. 

"Well, like I said, maybe a bit too feminine… On the other hand, gives you something to hold onto." 

_Okay… That was probably a little too dirty for the kid, he's only fifteen after all… Doubt he'd get it.  
_

"You got a point there…" The other replied thoughtfully, tapping his chin, "Bit of a handful, though," A wicked smirk appeared on the young man's face. 

"True," He held up one finger, thoroughly enjoying the fact that this _kid_ somehow managed to keep up with him, something even most adults didn't manage. Although… he _did_ start off a bit slow, "On the other hand, there's plenty room for two hands, and long hair also means longer reach…" 

"You worried you're so bad he's gonna run?" Blushing brightly, he turned away. Clearly worried he'd gone too far. Like that was even possible… 

"No… More worried he'd run before I got the chance to show 'em what it means to have a good time," He gave a huge grin, not that Shikamaru could see much of it, but apparently he got the gist of it anyway, "Now, don't go thinking I pull stunts like that… It'd be a _very_ bad idea…" 

"Which part? Coming out or pulling Inoichi along by the hair?" He sounded genuinely worried for a second, covering it up by making his words out to be a joke. 

Kakashi nodded to himself, he'd known this part was coming, "Personally," He spoke softly, "I'd say both. Inoichi's got a thing about his hair, he'd kill me…" Jokes felt safer, even if the subject was serious, chuckling, he continued, "Can't hurt to daydream a little, though…" 

Another smirk pulled at the corners of Shikamaru's mouth, it seemed like the kid was finally ready to share a little, "Then what about Aoba?" 

Kakashi moaned a little, " _Hot._ Definitely hot. You've _really_ got good taste…" 

"Well, _duh_ …" 

Kakashi smiled, "He's not too flexible, though… Such a shame…" 

"What?!" Eyes wide, Shikamaru leaned forward, then slumped back again, "Oh my god…" 

"What?" The copy ninja asked innocently, "That basically means the only way it's gonna work is doggy-style. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against it, but if you've got a guy as hot as that…" 

He watched in awe as a hot blush crept over the Nara's face. 

_Don't tell me you've never thought about it… You're fifteen, sex is about all a fifteen-year-old ever thinks about… Apparently that still holds true by the time you're twenty-nine, but that's… A little less well-known… He's kinda cute like this though…  
_

"Then tell me this, Shikamaru," He smiled as the boy looked up, cautiously trying to gauge the older man's mood, "What would you say to… Let's see… Izumo?" 

"Wouldn't say no… Kotetsu's hotter, though…" He blushed again, but answered all the same, a daring look in his eyes. 

"Ah… I see your point… Hmmm… Kotetsu… No, wait, _both_ of them! They have that syrup jutsu thingy going on, right? One would never have to buy lube again… Jiggle the viscosity a little of course, hmm, figuring it out would be half the fun. You'd have to _test_ it, you see," He held up one finger again, smiling. 

"Uh… Yeah… I eh, I guess…" Shikamaru visibly swallowed. A little uneasy, but still too interested to want Kakashi to stop talking yet, he could tell. 

"How about we grab the sake? You don't have to drink any if you don't want, but…" He winked, "My mouth's getting a little dry just _thinking_ about this…" 

He watched the boy nod, a little too eagerly for his comfort, but Kakashi decided to push that aside for now. So he got up to retrieve the sake and the cups. After he sat back down, he poured a very small amount in one, sliding it over to the boy. 

"Let's see if you like it first, shall we? I don't intent to get you sozzled, here, just…" Not really sure how to end the sentence, Kakashi stopped talking. 

Shikamaru seemed to understand him well enough, though. Nodding, he picked up the cup. First holding it up to his nose, smelling. He pulled a little face, then shrugged. Clearly hoping the smell and the taste wouldn't match too much. Kakashi almost laughed out loud. 

_Looks like Shikamaru is in for a little unpleasant surprise… Sorry kid, but it smells_ _ **exactly**_ _like it tastes.  
_

Shikamaru took a tiny sip, scrunching up his face, "Yeah… Just delicious…" He said dryly, "I can totally see why you guys get drunk all the time…" 

"Oh, but I don't," He poured a cup for himself, "Pretty much never, actually… It would be too hard to control my… _Urges_." 

He laughed softly, seeing the boy go red in the face. 

"Really? And here I thought you'd just get drunk and fuck every ass you could find…" Apparently, sake really _did_ loosen the kid's tongue. Maybe a little _too_ much… 

"Ah, well, _that_ would be blowing my cover…" 

" _Blowing?_ Dude, you're dirty…" 

Chuckling, the copy ninja took another sip, "It's an _expression_ , Shikamaru. Had nothing to do with me being dirty or not. Now _Genma_ , that's a guy I'd like to get dirty with…" 

"Genma? Seriously?" 

"Yep," Kakashi poured himself another drink, offering the bottle to the chuunin before setting in back on the floor, "I've always had a little thing for him, the guy's hot. And the way he moves that senbon around in that mouth of his… " He moaned softly, "I know what I'd like to replace that damned thing with if I ever got the chance!" 

_I'd_ _ **so**_ _like to do just that… Hmmm… Genma AKA one of the sexiest guys alive… Not that I should've actually_ _ **told**_ _him that… Oh well, I guess it's alright. After all, it's just one name out of many, right?  
_

The jounin wiggled his one visible eyebrow suggestively, smiling as the kid's blush deepened once more. But the fun was soon forgotten as he saw the young Nara retreat again. Knees pulled up, he wrapped his arms around his slender legs, resting his head on his knees. 

_Did I go too far? No, I imagine it's just the fear kicking in… He's been hiding, too.  
_

"Shikamaru, it's okay," He deliberately kept his tone soft. There was so much more he wanted to tell this boy, that there was nothing to be afraid of, that everything would work out in the end. But the silver-haired man knew from personal experience that such was not the case. So he settled for comforting him with what he _could_ give him, softly placing one hand on a trembling arm. 

The Nara looked up, tears in his eyes. Kakashi had to suppress a sigh, squeezing the slim arm gently. 

"You can let it all out, it's alright." 

He watched as the tears started to fall, leaving wet trails on the tanned face. Kakashi felt like his heart would break. 

_This kid… I'm here for you, Shikamaru, I promise you I'll always be here for you.  
_

He couldn't stand it anymore, moving to sit beside the quietly sobbing boy he wrapped his arms around the slender frame. Shikamaru immediately leaned in, needing the comfort as much as Kakashi needed to give it to him. He cradled the crying boy to his chest, softly whispering meaningless words, soothing the young man. 

In time, the sobs stopped, but Shikamaru didn't move. His breath had evened out and the jounin understood that the kid had cried himself to sleep. A soft smile crept across his face. 

_Well, at least he's finally sleeping… Not that I can keep him here. That would be… Wrong. I'll try to convince the others to let him sleep in tomorrow, who knows how long it's been since the kid really slept?  
_

_It's late, though. No… More like early… I didn't realize we'd been talking this long. It's okay, though. It's just fine. He's no longer alone, and neither am I. It's… Overwhelming really… This kid…  
_

He smiled fondly, moving the boy unto his lap before standing up. Carrying the boy over to his own room, Kakashi wondered what to do next. 

_I can't very well let him sleep in his uniform, right? Can I? Nah, it'd get all crinkled and it's not going to benefit his sleep any, either. I should probably undress him…  
_

He swallowed, his body immediately eager. 

_No, damnit. Not like_ _ **that**_ _. I'm just… Gonna take of the flack vest – obviously, the shirt should go as well… And the kunai holster, don't want him to accidentally hurt himself… Though, that thing's fit pretty secure… I don't even know if I'll be able to take it off… Looks like he customized it. Makes sense, you don't want an enemy to suddenly stealing away your leg holster… Especially if your jutsu requires you to stay still… So… Pants as well? That's… Tricky…  
_

_No, he's just a kid! I'm_ _ **not**_ _going to have dirty thoughts about a bloody_ _ **kid**_ _! I may be a pervert, but I refuse to turn into a pedophile…  
_

Gently placing the sleeping form on the bed, Kakashi got to work quickly, removing the flack vest – no problems there, then the shirt – that went fine as well. 

_A mesh shirt? No, you can't sleep in that… I just… Don't really want to take it off, though…  
_

The copy ninja swallowed hard, all but looking away as he gently removed the mesh shirt. 

_Damn, he's hot… Not good, don't go there. Don't... You can take care of all your needs yourself, just… Don't think about this one when you do so… He's fifteen, Kakashi._ _ **Fifteen,**_ _don't forget that!  
Right… Pants… I wonder if he wears boxers or briefs? Stupid question! It's not even any of your business, besides… You're about to find out anyway…  
_

He swallowed again, fingers fiddling with the buckle nervously. 

_Come on… Steady yourself, you're gonna wake him up!_ _ **Not**_ _a situation you ever want to have to explain… Especially after what we just talked about… Hmmm, I should've asked him what he thinks about Kiba… UIgh! Get the teenagers_ _ **out**_ _of your head!  
_

_There, pants are open… Now, stay calm.  
_

_So… Boxers it is, huh? Should've guessed… He's pretty… Big…  
Damn, stop this! Look away! Right. Now!  
_

Turning his head, the man swallowed again, this was even harder than he'd thought. Picking up the clothes, he moved them to the foot of the bed, gently covering the sleeping boy with the sheets. 

_Sleep tight, Shikamaru._

He turned to leave. But when his gaze fell upon the disorganized heap of clothes, he frowned. 

_That won't do. That won't do at all. I know I'm not a neat freak but – Ah, who am I kidding? I_ _ **am**_ _a neat freak… I should at least fold them. This is just… I should fold them. They shouldn't be laying there, either. He could kick them off the bed. That wouldn't do… He shouldn't have to pick his clothes off the floor like… No, don't go there. Anyway… I should probably… Yes, put them on the dresser.  
_

So he did, turning to leave once more, he looked over at the sleeping boy one last time. 

_Sweet dreams, my friend. You're not alone anymore, neither of us is. Please never forget that.  
_


	6. This Is What Friends Do

AUTHORS NOTE: In chapter 53, Shikamaru mentions hanging with Iruka for a little while, this is what actually happened between the two. Iruka's POV. 

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to Chapter 53; Home At Last  
_ Drabble title: This Is What Friends Do

XOXOX

"Shikamaru?" When Iruka opened the door, he'd half-expected Sakura to come bother him again, but what he found was a miserable looking young Nara. Something was wrong. 

"Hey, Iruka-sensei… Mind if I come in?" 

"Sure," He stepped aside, "Wait here, though. You're dripping on my floor…" 

"Yeah…" A shaky smile drifted his way, "It's pouring outside…" 

"I noticed…" Iruka retrieved a soft towel, handing it to the boy standing just inside his door, "Shikamaru, what's wrong?" 

For a few minutes, the Nara didn't reply, toweling his hair dry and attempting to do the same with his clothes, "Not _wrong_. Just… I dunno…" He sighed. 

"Well, whatever it is, nothing's gonna improve with you standing in my hall trying to towel your clothes dry. I'll get you something to wear. It'll probably be too big for you, but…" 

"Thanks…" 

Iruka studied the young face for a few seconds, but the smirk he'd been expecting didn't show up.  
 _Really bad, then…  
_

He walked into his apartment, choosing an old pair of uniform pants that fit him a little too snugly nowadays and the shirt that went with them. It would probably still be too loose for the teen's lean frame, but it was the best he could do. 

"Here, I'll go get some tea ready, alright?" 

"Thanks, Iruka-sensei…" 

_He seems so dejected… This is more than a little worrying…  
_

XOXOX

They'd sat down at Iruka's low table. The uniform was indeed too big for the Nara, but somehow the pants seemed to be hanging off his hipbones so they pretty much stayed in place. Shikamaru clutched the tea almost desperately, looking down at the swirling liquid as if it held the answers to whatever it was that was troubling the boy so. 

"Do you want to talk about it, Shikamaru?" 

"Not much to talk about… My mom was nagging, and my dad had this dirty grin on his face and I just couldn't take it anymore…" He looked up, unshed tears in his eyes as he suddenly yelled, "It's just not fair, Iruka-sensei! They never cared this much when they were still hoping I'd end up with Ino! Why the hell do they care so much now that it's about guys…?" A tear escaped the confines of the dark lashes, running down his cheek. He wiped at it furiously. 

"I don't know, Shikamaru… I honestly don't know. Did they ask about Asuma?" He worried the inside of his lip for a few seconds, this probably wasn't the best question to ask the boy right now. Asuma seemed to be a touchy subject. Not that he could blame him; He was crushing on the guy, wasn't he? 

"No…" Shikamaru spoke softly, "I guess he's keeping his word… But I don't care about him anymore, anyway… That kind of stopped after I told him. And it was completely gone after we talked again… Mom was just… Hassling me. Trying to ask what kind of guys I like, and if there was one that I liked right now. So I guess dad didn't tell her after all… But… I don't want to think about it, you know?" He looked up into the sensei's eyes, "It's not like that's always the only thing on my mind, right? And I don't get why my mom keeps asking about it…" 

"It's a whole new concept for her, Shikamaru. Suddenly everything about the future seems different for her. I'm sure you understand that, you're just a little too upset to think about it right now." 

"Yeah… Iruka-sensei?" 

"Yes?" 

"I don't want to talk about it anymore… Is it okay if I just… Stay here for a while?" 

He sighed, "Fine by me, Shikamaru. But… To be honest, I still have about twenty papers to grade, so… If you don't really want to talk, I kinda need to work on those." 

The Nara nodded, "I just don't want to be home, right now. You feel safer… It's okay if I stay? I won't bother your work, I promise," Hope lit up his face, and Iruka smiled at him, nodding. 

He got up to retrieve the stack he'd placed on top of the bookcase when he'd brought the tea over to the table. Sitting back down, Iruka got to work.  
 _I feel safer? I guess he's really upset, Shikamaru isn't the kind of person to just let that slip out… But he won't say anymore, I know that much. So I'll just let him hang out here, it's not like I've never graded papers with a frustrated genius in the room before…  
Kakashi used to pull stunts like this all the time, and he would never talk about it either… At least Shikamaru isn't going through every little thing in my apartment. He at least seems content to just sit there, sip his tea and study the table. Kakashi even went as far as pulling out a flashlight to peek under my bed. God, that was embarrassing…  
_

Out of nowhere, intense dark eyes shot up, "I'm bothering you, aren't I?" 

"What?" Confused, Iruka looked up, "No, not really. Why would you think that?" 

A small half-smirk tugged at the Nara's lips, "I've see you grade papers before, Iruka-sensei. You usually work a lot quicker…" 

"Ah… Well… It's fine, Shikamaru. Really." 

"No it's not," He bit his lip, "You have work to do and I'm slowing you down… That's not fine, Iruka-sensei…" 

_Wow, Kakashi never cared. Shikamaru really is a lot more mature in some regards, isn't he?_  
"I don't really care, Shikamaru, I really don't. I've had Kakashi go over every inch of my apartment while I was trying to work, if we're talking _distracting_ …" 

"Kakashi?" Eyes widened but a little. 

"Yes," Iruka couldn't help a chuckle, "He's my friend, Shikamaru. Of course he's been here before. And when he gets upset, he gets curious. Well, Kakashi's always curious of course, but… Anyway, you're not bothering me, trust me. I'm just a little distracted myself, has nothing to do with you."  
 _Okay, that wasn't even a blatant lie. Still a lie, because right now he_ _ **is**_ _first and foremost on my mind, but still…  
_

"But… I really don't want to bother you, Iruka-sensei…" He almost whispered, causing Iruka to strain his ears just to be able to hear his old student's words, "I should probably go, right?" 

"You don't have to, Shikamaru. Like I said, you're not bothering me."  
 _And I'd much rather know where you are and that you're safe…  
_

"It's still raining…" 

"Yes. So no cloud watching today, huh? You can stay here, I really don't mind." 

"Maybe…" 

He stayed quiet after that, and after a little while, Iruka returned to his papers. He'd graded about three of them before Shikamaru spoke up again, softly, tears straining the young voice. 

"I just… Don't know what to do anymore…" 

He laid the papers down, taking a sip of his cold tea, "I'll listen," He said simply. 

"No… I don't want to talk about it. I just need to think…" 

"Okay…"  
 _He's starting to sound more and more like Kakashi by the day, isn't he? Next thing you know he's gonna declare he needs a distraction and start pulling all the books out of my bookcase…  
_

"I think I need to be alone…" 

"I don't know where, though, Shikamaru. If you don't want to go home, your room seems to be out. And like you said, it's raining outside. Pouring, actually…" 

"Yeah…" The Nara worried the inside of his lip, quietly sitting for a few more minutes, "Is Kakashi back yet?" 

"Not that I know. But I don't always know until I see him on the street somewhere."  
 _Or if he comes knocking here, all bloody and upset… But that doesn't happen as often anymore, thank god.  
_

"Think he'd be okay with me being in his apartment?" 

_Probably…. He seems to trust you even more than he trusts me.  
_ "Do you have a key, then?" 

"No… You do, though…" 

_Oh_ _ **hell**_ _no. D'you know what he'll_ _ **do**_ _to me?  
_ "What are you trying to say, Shikamaru?" 

"Can I borrow it?" 

"Eh… Kakashi is a private person, Shikamaru. You know that. I only got that key after – … Eh… I promised him I wouldn't talk about it…"  
 _About him falling apart and not eating for days until he got so weak he couldn't even sit up anymore. About how I broke into his apartment because I was so worried… I promised him. And besides, it won't do Shikamaru any good to hear that story, not now at least.  
_

"That's fine… He's been through a lot, huh?" 

"He has."  
 _Now please forget about that key…  
_

"Still… I've been practically _living_ there when he was recuperating… I don't think he'd mind too much…" 

"With Kakashi, you never know, Shikamaru. And he's one of my best friends… I can't betray that trust so easily…"  
 _I think it would probably be okay, though. But I need to hear him say something, before he gets that key from me.  
_

"I know… If he gets mad, it's my fault, so I'll take the blame, Iruka-sensei, please…" 

_Not what I wanted to hear, Shikamaru. Try again.  
_

"He's my best friend… I just need a safe place to be, now. And that would be either here or there, and here I'm bothering you. I can't bother Kakashi yet, 'cause he's not home yet. So… I thought he could just kick me out if he doesn't want me there, after all." 

_There it is. Best friend, safe place. Not that you're bothering me, but I need to know you're safe. And you will be.  
_ "Fine, I'll go get the keys. But you have to promise me one thing, Shikamaru," His voice was strict, schoolteacher in full glory, "Whatever you do, don't open his closet. Okay? He's really adamant about that, and there's a good chance he's rigged the damn thing."  
 _Probably not, but I_ _ **did**_ _open that door once, and what I found inside… No, you need to know that Kakashi is safe now. He might not be safe when he's alone, but he'll keep himself in check when you're there. You just don't need to see his… Private affects._

A weary smile appeared on the young face, "I won't. I might make some tea, but for the most part… I just want to sit in my own spot there. Work through all this at my own pace." 

Iruka sighed, handing him over the key, "Take good care of yourself, Shikamaru."


	7. Now What Do We Do?

AUTHORS NOTE: Mostly Shikaku's point of view, for all of you who have been wondering how Kakashi made it from the Hokage's office to his own bedroom. 

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to Chapter 27; When The Walls Come Tumbling Down  
_ Drabble title: Now What Do We Do?

XOXOX

"Milady… Not that I'm not happy that the guy's stopped muttering, but… " 

"I know, I know! Damnit, I _know_!" She looked at her companion, Shikaku was holding Kakashi up, pushing him against the desk in order to make it a little easier on himself. She looked at the syringe in her hand, "I… Kind of flipped a little…" 

"I noticed," He said dryly, "What are we going to do with him now?" 

Tsunade bit her nail, "We could – no, that's stupid. Maybe if we – wouldn't work. On the other hand… But no. Can't very well… No. We can't. Or maybe…" She looked up at him, frowning, "Shikaku, he lives alone, doesn't he?" 

"He does, why?" He shifted a little, the man was heavier than he'd expected. Dead weight. 

"Any close friends?" 

"Not that I know of. There's Gai, but… That would be a horrible idea, and he's out of town right now anyway. I think he hangs out with Iruka Umino sometimes, but I'm not sure how close the two are, so…" 

"Umino? The _schoolteacher?_ " 

"That one," He shifted again, draping one of the copy ninja's arms over his shoulder, "And Shikamaru, apparently…" 

"He's a kid." 

"Exactly." 

" _We_ could stay with him…" 

"Lady Hokage, I don't know about you, but I have a meeting at five-thirty… And after the day I've just had…" 

"I understand… I'm tired too. Of course that just leaves…" 

"Leaves what?"  
 _How can a guy that's so slim weigh so much?  
_

"Check his pockets, Shikaku. We're tying him to his own bed." 

He just stared at her.  
 _You're kidding, right? We're tying him to his own bed? Are you_ _ **crazy**_ _?! You can't tie a jounin down and just hope for the best! That's never going to work! And this isn't just_ _ **any**_ _jounin, either, it's Kakashi Hatake… There's no_ _ **way**_ _mere ropes are going to hold him. And… His own home? What the hell?  
_

"Shikaku…" She wiped a hand over tired eyes, "I know it _sounds_ ridiculous, but it really isn't. I have a set of leather straps like the ones Ibiki uses. They're attuned to my chakra, and I can read yours in as well. So long as we make sure he can't form signs, he's not getting loose. And we can't put him anywhere else, because that would mean informing other people. So it _has_ to be his own place. We can take turns checking up on him. I'll wait with him until he wakes up, at least." 

The Nara sighed, "Alright, you've got a point, I suppose… One problem; I can't hold him up _and_ check his pockets. I need both hands just to keep his head from banging against the desk…" 

"Right… I'll do it," She walked over, and for a few moment they stared at each other awkwardly, "Eh, Shikaku… His pocket is, eh…" 

"I know…" He swallowed, shifting a little. But it seemed like it was impossible to move himself far away enough so that Tsunade's hand wouldn't get too close to his private parts, "Oh what the hell, just _do_ it, Tsunade," He eventually grumbled. Biting his lip as he stared out the window. He could feel her hand slip inside the younger man's pocked, brushing past his own body every now and then.  
 _This is embarrassing… If Yoshino saw me now, she'd have a_ _ **fit**_ _.  
_

"Found them!" Triumph in her voice as she held up a small keychain. There were seven keys on it, a little figurine that looked a hell of a lot like Paccun, a hanger of the with leaf symbol made out of silver and a little pouch. Curiously, she opened it, "There's a couple mini-kunai in here! And… Wait, is that…?" She turned the pouch around, emptying the contents on the desk. 

Shikaku craned his head to see, chuckling a little at the assortment of items that had fallen on the Hokage's desk. 

There were six mini kunai – a handy tool if you knew how to use them – all safely tucked into little scabbards, which was a good thing given the other items the pouch contained. Like the four condoms that had fallen out, or the mini-sized lube bottle. There were also some coins and a button. A broken piece of silver chain that seemed to belong to either a necklace or a bracelet and a length of wire. Needle and thread had also been stuffed in. 

"How the hell did that even _fit_ in there…?" 

"Obviously the man knows how to pack a bag, Shikaku. What _I_ find amusing is _why_? He could've easily stored all of it in a scroll… Think he forgets how to release it if he gets too horny?" She gave him a naughty wink, but he pretended he didn't see. 

"Stuff it back in, Tusnade. These are personal affects. Check his other pocket, too, though. There might be more of those kunai…" 

Shikaku realized that this meant that Tsunade's hand would once again be in _extremely_ close proximity – actually even closer than before – a _little_ too late But he just shrugged, it had to be done, and Tsunade wasn't one to use the situation against him – Not now and not in the future. 

"Fine," She reached around Kakashi, her arm squeezed in between the two men. Reaching into the copy ninja's pocket, she felt something hard, but it wasn't _inside_ the pocket.  
 _So me trying not to touch the guy isn't exactly helping, huh? Can't blame him, I suppose, men are more physical than woman are, after all. Still… Little funny.  
_  
She pulled out a handful of things, laying them on the desk a little ways away from the contents of the pouch, "Pockets are such handy storage boxes after all…" She said sarcastically. 

Next to the little mountain of personal affects found inside the little pouch on Kakashi's keychain now lay another little mountain, mostly receipts and other scraps of paper. There was a small pencil – almost completely used up – and another two buttons. A little metal plate like the ones on the copy ninja's gloves and – heaven help her – another three mini-kunai. 

"See? If he carries them around in that little pouch, I was sure there'd be more…" 

"Yeah, we'll have to clear his leg holster, too. And take of the flack vest. Check every single one of his pockets…" She sighed. 

"We're better off doing that when he's laying down, though. Do you have a bag to keep all that in? I'll carry him, but we'll have to hurry a little because I'm not exactly used to this kind of work-out anymore…" 

XOXOX

He'd laid the man across his back, fireman style. Kakashi seemed to be getting heavier with every step, but he didn't complain. Even if his companion was probably stronger than he was… 

They'd opted to leap across the rooftops, even though it was dark outside, there were still people around, and no-one should see this. No doubt the rumors would start to spread and within a day or two, Kakashi would be dead, or Shikaku a pervert, or Tsunade would have drugged the silver-haired man in order to have her way with him, or… He really didn't want to think about it anymore. 

"It should be this building…" Tsunade said a little hesitantly, pointing at one of the oldest apartment complexes in Konoha. It was run-down and shabby, somehow – to Shikaku at least – it looked like the perfect hideout for Kakashi Hatake, the man that no-one seemed to know. 

"Which door?" He muttered between panted breaths. She looked at him a little worriedly, but didn't say anything about it. 

"According to records… Third floor, the apartment on the far right." 

He nodded, taking another jump. He landed on the roof of the complex, wasting no time in taking the last jump off the roof and unto the third floor landing. Tsunade soon followed, fumbling around with the keys for a little while. She tried all seven, and finally, the door opened.  
Of course it _had_ to be the last key… 

She hesitantly crossed the threshold, flipping on the lights, "Huh? What's this?"  
Leaning down, she picked something off the floor. 

"Tsunade… _Walk_ will you?" 

"Right," She chuckled, opening the first door, "So that's the kitchen… That door might be the bedroom…" She walked in, opening the door on the far wall, "Nope, bathroom!" She called over her shoulder. 

Shikaku nodded, that just left one door. Walking over, he opened it to reveal the man's bedroom. It was small, but tidy, and he walked in without any hesitation, groaning as he finally dumped his heavy load down on the bed, "Tsunade, let's be clear, I'm _never_ doing that again," He rubbed his aching lower back. 

"I'm sorry, Shikaku… I really am," She brushed past him, repositioning the younger man so that his head lay on the pillow and his legs at the foot of the bed. She quickly pulled down the zipper on his flack vest, and Shikaku helped lift Kakashi's upper body so she could slide it off, "This thing's _heavy_ …" 

"Leave it alone, Tsunade. We've already been through too much of his private stuff… It's not right." 

"I know…" She hung the vest on the little hook at the back of the door before returning to remove the man's leg holster. 

Shikaku had dropped himself on the desk chair, rubbing little circles on his lower back, muttering softly about how he was getting too old for this. She had clearly decided to ignore him.  
He watched her fumble with the holster, but didn't feel like offering to help. This was _her_ mess. And his back hurt. He was really getting old… 

Finally, the holster came off and she handed to him. Without looking, he put it on the desk, it wasn't any of his business what the man kept in there. But he kept a sharp eye on Tsunade as she checked every pocket on the silver-haired man's shirt – the woman was way too curious for his taste.  
Not much came of it, though. Another pencil, a few pieces of paper – one look from Shikaku and she handed them over without a hitch, he placed them in the top drawer of the desk. Four more mini-kunai, a bundle of senbon, a little box of food pills. Nothing special. He sighed.  
 _Thank god…  
_

"What have we here…?" 

_Oh crap!_ _ **Now**_ _what?  
_

"Shikaku… What _is_ this?" She turned to him, a small item between her thumb and index finger.  
He leaned in, studying it for a brief moment before leaning back again, chuckling. 

"I honestly hope that's been sterilized…" 

"What?"She coked her head, studying the little item again, "What is it?" 

"Tsunade… What you're holding there is what they call a 'butt plug'. Do I need to explain in _detail_ what it's for?" He chuckled again, somehow this felt like payback for the boner she'd accidentally given him back in her office. 

"Riiight…" She quickly placed it on the windowsill, unconsciously wiping her hand on her leg, "I know what it's for, Shikaku… " 

"He's the pervert of Konoha, Tsunade," He chuckled again, "What did you expect?" 

She shot him a wry smile, "Oh I dunno… A huge dildo?" 

He laughed – waking up Kakashi was impossible right now, anyway, "Maybe he has a couple stashed away, who knows? But," He turned serious again, "Don't go looking, Tsunade… It really wouldn't be fair. Even _this_ is…" 

"I know… But this was actually necessary, Shikaku. I _did_ find weapons, plenty. I just _also_ happened to find a butt plug…" She giggled a little, "Still… Let's just get this over with." 

A frown had appeared on her face, and she pulled a storage scroll out of her sleeve, "You know how to read your chakra in these, right?" 

"I do," He had turned serious again, too. Biting down on his thumb so he could add his blood to the seal. He quickly formed the signs and let a few drops of blood fall on the leather, cursing under his breath as a couple of drops missed and fell to the floor. 

"It's enough, Shikaku, don't worry about it." 

"That's not it… The guy's a bit of a neat freak. Not a lot of people know, but… I'm gonna get something to wipe that off, right back," He stood, walking over to what they'd earlier determined was the kitchen. Behind him, he could hear Tsunade getting to work.  
 _This still feels wrong… We shouldn't even_ _ **be**_ _here, it's clear he'd rather not have anyone else know where he lives… And this place… It feels so uninviting. How can he_ _ **live**_ _here… It's almost completely bare, it doesn't even_ _ **look**_ _like anyone lives here…  
_

He flipped on the lights and started walking over to the sink hoping there would be a towel or something there that he could use.  
 _So clean… The place is old, but… Everything here sparkles. You'd almost start to wonder if he spends every day that he's home cleaning his apartment…  
_

He found a rather old-looking towel in one of the cabinets, running some water over it before turning back to the bedroom. When he walked in, Tsunade was almost finished with tying the man up. Shikaku pulled a face, this just felt wrong. But he didn't say anything, instead wiping the blood of the floor and returning to the kitchen to rinse the towel out.  
 _Where do I put it now? I didn't see a hamper or anything around… Maybe in the bathroom…  
_

_Nope, not here either. Hmmm… Now what? I know most people would probably think I'm overreacting here, but I know Kakashi would hate it if I just left the thing laying around. That's one of the few things I actually_ _ **know**_ _about the guy… That, and that he's apparently gay… Bloody whores, made them bleed, hurt them… Poor guy.  
_

Eventually he shrugged, placing the wet towel in the sink. He really had no idea where else to put it. As he returned to the bedroom, he blinked. 

"Eh… Tsunade? Does this mean that Kakashi isn't the only pervert we have?" 

"Oh shut up, Shikaku. We forgot to check his back pockets." 

"You _do_ realize that's an incredibly compromising position, right?" He chuckled, looking on as the blonde fumbled around to check the pockets on the man's butt. 

"Shut up, or do I need to remind you that you got a boner from nothing but my arm brushing past you?" She smirked, he knew she did, even though he couldn't see her face. 

Feeling his face heat up, Shikaku swallowed, "Tsunade…" 

"Oh it's alright, I won't tell anyone, and after we're done here, I vote that all the embarrassing stuff's never happened, okay?" 

"Deal." 

As they turned to leave, Shikaku remembered something, "You found something on the floor when we walked in, didn't you?" 

"Yes, a little note from Sakura. I put it on the desk. I'll give it to him when he wakes up. As soon as he's lucid again. It's kind of important." 

"You read it then," There was disapproval in his voice as he watched the woman turn the lock behind them. 

"I did. It's nothing big, she apologized for something she said, and asked to talk to him. I have _no_ idea what that's about, but apparently it's important to the two of them…" 

"Right…" He took the stairs down, "Weren't you going to wait here until he wakes up, though?" 

Behind him, he could hear her sigh, "He's not going to wake up for at _least_ twelve hours. I thought I might as well go get a futon and sleep a little in the kitchen, that's all." 

"Sounds like a plan. Let me know when he wakes up, will you?" He didn't look back at her as he took the next flight of stairs. 

"You worried, Shikaku?" 

"I am. And I'll have to deal with Shikamaru when I get home. He's bound to be even more worried than you or me." 

She stayed quiet for a while, as they walked next to each other through the dark streets.  
After almost ten minutes, she spoke again, "Shikaku… Why was Kakashi at your place to begin with?" 

"He's friends with my son, apparently." 

"You're not telling me everything, are you?" She frowned just a little. 

"I'm not. But really, Tsunade… " He bit his lip for a moment, "Just don't ask right now, okay? I have some stuff to sort through first." 

"Alright. You know you can always talk to me, right?" 

"I can. I know that. But right now…" He sighed, "Right now I just need to think," He nodded a good-bye at her, wishing her a good night as he turned into an alleyway that would serve him as a shortcut. 

_Kakashi, Shikamaru… Gay. My only son is gay. My heir is gay. The heir to the Hatake clan is gay._ Shikaku sighed.  
 _We have a little problem here…_


	8. I Swear On My Father's Grave

AUTHORS NOTE: So… After Shikaku went home from tying Kakashi up, which is the side note before this one, he finds his son still awake. 

Do y'all remember Shikamaru telling the Hokage about the talk he had with his dad regarding Kakashi's state? And that he made his elder promise him that he would be allowed to see Kakashi ASAP? Well… This is that convo. Duh… 

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to Chapters 33 & 35; Friends Stick Together & A Day In The Life Of A Busy Hokage  
_Drabble title: I Swear On My Father's Grave

XOXOX

"Dad!" Shikamaru rushed out of his room and into the hallway the moment the heard the front door open. 

Tired eyes sought out his only son as Shikaku silently prepared himself for the conversation to come, "Shikamaru, why aren't you in bed?" He asked, his voice soft from exhaustion.  
 _I'd really hoped to postpone this conversation for as long as possible… I only have about two hours before my meeting, and I'd_ _ **like**_ _to spent them sleeping. But he's never going to back off, is he? Damn, I didn't even_ _ **realize**_ _we spent so much time in Kakashi's apartment…  
_

"Where's Kakashi, dad? What did you do to him?" 

"Son…" He sighed, "Tea?" 

He watched as his only son grudgingly nodded, following him into the kitchen. Shikaku ordered his tired body to go through all the motions of preparing the tea he'd proposed. He'd originally planned on asking Shikamaru to do this, but the boy was shaking violently – it would be dangerous to let him around fire and boiling water. So he did it himself, silently. Trying to work out the words to use, how much details to give the boy. When he finally sat down across from his son, Shikaku still hadn't figured it out.  
 _I'm just too tired right now…  
_  
"Dad…" Shikamaru sounded hesitant, "What happened?" 

"Son," He sighed, wiping a hand over tired eyes, "How much do you know about Kakashi's life before this day?" 

A frown appeared, "Why? What are you trying to get me to say?" He asked suspiciously. 

"Nothing that I don't already know… Look, Shikamaru. The man's been in hiding, right?" 

The boy nodded, pressing his lips tightly together. Clearly he didn't want to give anything away. 

_Just how close are they?  
_ "Right, well… That basically means that the Kakashi everyone knows, isn't the real one, right?" 

"I guess… Where are you going with this?" Shikamaru frowned, blowing on his tea. 

Shikaku sighed, "Just that he's been living a double life. All his life." 

Shikamaru just stared at him, not wanting to give his father any indication whether or not he knew more about this. It made sense, they were friends after all, but it made Shikaku's job that much harder. 

"Shikamaru… It takes its toll, you know. Living two lives for any length of time takes its toll. Kakashi Hatake is an incredibly strong man, I think that's the only reason he's been able to keep it up for so long. But…"He rubbed his temples, his head was pounding, "He was here, and you and him are both…" 

"Gay. You can _say_ it dad," Shikamaru frowned, muttering something that he could just about make out, "It's not like it's some horrible disease…" 

"It's not," He immediately assured his son, ripping the band out of his hair so he could try to massage his scalp and take some of the headache away, "It's not. I know that. And somewhere in the back of his mind, Kakashi does too. But for years… He thought it _was_ , Shikamaru. You can't deny that." 

"Guess not," The boy studied his movements, it wasn't so often that Shikaku actually conceded to the fact that his head hurt too much. He'd probably never seen him try to massage it away before. Usually, Yoshino would do this for him, in the safety of their own bedroom, before they went to sleep. 

"I accidentally hurt him, Shikamaru. You saw it happen." 

"I know. You didn't do anything wrong, though… He said he'd be okay with you knowing if it helped me…" 

"That's… _Brave_ ," Shikaku blinked, this was unexpected.  
 _So Kakashi had anticipated that this could happen, then? No, I imagine he didn't count on how much it would hurt…  
_

"Yeah… He was there for me when I needed him. What did you _do_ with him, dad?" 

He sighed, "ANBU came, you noticed, right?" 

Another small nod. 

"He had an appointment with Lady Hokage earlier tonight. I think he got so wrapped up in helping you talk to me that he forgot. And then he crumbled, and he _definitely_ forgot. By that time he was…"  
 _I can't tell him this, he's just a_ _ **boy**_ _for god's sake!  
_

"He was _what_ , dad?" Another frown, Shikamaru was getting impatient. 

"He was… _Muttering_. It happens sometimes. Shinobi who've been undercover for too long, they… They can't talk about _that,_ so they talk about other things," He'd made the decision now, he would distract his son from Kakashi's actual words, and keep the boy away from him for as long as possible.  
 _I don't_ _ **ever**_ _want my son to find out what Kakashi did back then. Shikamaru is still innocent, still safe. If he learns about this… He can't. He can't start thinking that's a normal way to behave. He can't think that's an actual option! Man… I'm tired. My head's all foggy, and I don't even know if I'm making the right call here, but… I'll stick to it anyway.  
_

"Kakashi spent years in ANBU; he's done countless classified missions. I think he couldn't hold it all back anymore. So he was muttering. About things that even _I'm_ not allowed to know. Some of those missions were Hokage's eyes only. Do you know what that means, Shikamaru?" 

"It means you're going to say I can't see him, right?" A wry smile graced the teenager's face, "It means you've found an _excellent_ excuse to keep me away from him." 

"It's not an excuse, Shikamaru…" He sighed again. 

"Yes it is, you're _lying_ to me, dad!" 

"No, I'm not. You can't see him _now,_ but –" 

"You'll let me know the moment I can, right?" Eager, the boy looked him in the eyes. 

"Shikamaru… Why do you want to see him so bad?" He worried the inside of his lip, "How clo–" 

" _Promise me,_ dad!" 

"Why should I?" Irritation laced his words, this _kid_ was in _no_ position to start making demands! 

"He's my _friend!_ Lie to me all you want, but let me see him the _second_ he's stopped this so-called classified muttering!" 

"I'm not _lying_ , Shikamaru! Damn you, will you just _listen_ to me?" 

" _No! Promise me dad!_ " 

"I will _not_. You are a minor, a chuunin, and you do _not_ have proper clearance!" 

"Don't you mean that I'm your son? That you want to keep the scary boogey man away from me?" 

He sighed, took a sip of his tea and sighed again, "Shikamaru… Kakashi isn't some child-hood villain, you know…" 

"I know, do you?" 

" _Fine_ , when I decide he's ready –" 

" _No!_ I don't trust you!" 

_Ouch! That's… That hurt.  
_ Shikaku swallowed, retreating his shaking hands from the table.  
He managed to make his voice came out steady, though, "Why don't you trust me?" 

The boy visible swallowed, retreating into his chair as he all but whispered, "You think he's disgusting, you think _I'm_ disgusting…" 

"No, Shikamaru. I can honestly tell you that I don't. I might be a little hurt that you didn't think you could tell me… But that's… I'm _not_ disgusted. I'm _not_ angry and I _don't_ think it's wrong. What _is_ wrong, though, is letting _you_ hear the things Kakashi's been muttering about all day…" 

"Then let me _see_ him dad, as _soon_ as he's stopped…" He pleaded now, softly begging his father. 

"Alright… I'll go check on him tomorrow. If he's back to being Kakashi… I'll call you. Okay?" 

Shikamaru nodded, still looking dejected. 

"Son, I really don't have a problem with this, I swear on my father's grave that I don't." 

Eyes shot up, "The only other time you swore on his grave was when you said that I could master the clan jutsu…" 

"And you did. You mastered it to a degree way beyond your years. I only swear on my father's grave when I am absolutely certain, son. And I am. So you prefer guys, so what?" 

"Don't _prefer_ , dad…" 

"Shikamaru, be honest with me, here. Have you _ever_ found a girl attractive?" 

"I can see it, but… No, not really… Why? You still hoping?" His eyes shone with unshed tears, and Shikaku shuddered at the thought of what he'd put his own son through for all these years. 

"No, the only thing I hope for is that you find someone you love, and that that someone loves you back. That they –that _he_ – is worthy of your love and devotion. I just want you to be happy, after all. I was only being curious, I suppose I should have phrased it better…" 

"Yes… You should have. But I really… I mean… I never…" 

"I get it. I do," He sighed, "I don't know, Shikamaru, maybe a tiny part of me _was_ holding on to hope. But… That's just because…" He worried the inside of his lip, unsure how to continue. 

Shikamaru seemed to know, though, as he whispered the words his father could not push passed his lips, "I'm your heir…" 

"You are… We'll figure that part out as we go along… Even if you end up with another guy, Shikamaru… It… It wouldn't necessarily mean that there will be no heir. And even if you _did_ end up with a woman, it wouldn't necessarily mean there _would_ be… But this is not a conversation we should be having at four AM… I'd actually hoped to get some sleep before my meeting, but I guess a shower and a pot of coffee will have to do. You should try to, though," He gave his son a serious look, "You look exhausted, go to bed." 

"You look even more exhausted though, dad…" He slowly got up, looking at his father one more time, "You'll keep your promise, right?" 

"I will son. I swear."


	9. No Genius, But Definitely Not Stupid

AUTHORS NOTE: Let's see what you people make of this…. I am _so_ curious right now… But I'll stop typing now, Let you draw your own conclusions… 

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to Chapter 53: This Is Challenging  
_ Drabble title: No Genius, But Definitely _Not_ Stupid

XOXOX

As Gai made his way back to his apartment – a little unsteady on his feet – he pondered the news he'd received earlier this night, and the revelations that had followed it. 

_He used to like Gemna, I am certain that he used to like Asuma as well. It is obvious when you start to think about it. And Shikamaru likes someone too. Someone older, though he did not want to give me his name. That is alright though, I reckon it's nerve wrecking to have to talk to a stranger about. And to the young Nara, that is what I am.  
_

_It hurts them so, both of them. The pain was so clear in their eyes, in their entire posture.  
Poor Shikamaru, though. He is definitely not doing so well. For Kakashi it was clearly a relief to find out that I do not care as much, for Shikamaru that is not all that important. Sure, he seemed relieved as well, but there are other people whose opinions matter more to him. I can only hope that they will react positive to this as well.  
_

_Iruka clearly did, they both seem to be very happy about that. He is a decent guy, a good guy. If he pledged to support them, to stay by their sides… Well, they are very lucky. Very lucky indeed. They have me now, too. But I make no presumptions; Iruka is the kind of person you go see when something is bothering you. I am the kind of person you go see when you want to distract yourself for a little while. Even though Kakashi and I have had plenty serious conversations over the years, it is simply not the kind of relationship we have together. Sometimes I regret that…  
_

_But I'll not push him. He is not the kind of guy that reacts well to being pushed. Shikaku should have known that, I do not understand why he still…  
_

_It is none of my business. Kakashi has made that immaculately clear. Even if I was there through his last breakdown, he does not want me to witness that again. I can understand it, still…  
Is Shikamaru really the better choice? He is still so young. Still so innocent. Even if he is not as young as his age would have you believe, there are many things he has yet to see, yet to discover.  
_

A smile tucked at the jounin's lips as he opened the door to his apartment. Stumbling inside, he immediately went to get a glass of water. He'd had too much to drink, Kakashi had seemed inclined to keep a clear mind, but for some reason – that the man couldn't remember now – his friend had kept ordering alcohol for him. Even when it became clear that he was getting tipsy. Beer, sake, shochu – wait, there was whiskey too, wasn't there?  
Gai felt a little lightheaded. 

_My head is going to hurt in the morning… Maybe I should consider – No. Never skip training over something silly like a hangover. Never.  
_

_Wasn't I thinking about something else? Something important? Wait, is that why Kakashi insisted on getting me drunk? So I would not be able to draw conclusions? It sure seems that way. Tomorrow I will only remember the facts, not much details. He_ _ **knows**_ _this. Sneaky little –  
_

Throwing his head back, Gai laughed. It was such a _Kakashi_ thing to do… After he'd calmed down a little, he tipped back his third glass of water, before opening the fridge to see if there was any orange juice left.  
 _I'll not let you get away with it so easily, my rival…  
_ He chuckled, retrieving a full bottle of orange juice and pouring himself a glass. 

_I will manage to clear up my head enough to understand what it is you_ _ **don't**_ _want me to understand. And then I will write it down, so I will not forget. Now…  
_

_Oh brother. No. It is almost_ _ **too**_ _obvious. You were right, Kakashi, getting me wasted is the only way to make sure I do_ _ **not**_ _figure it out. Too bad you failed, my friend. Although… I do not believe it is a bad thing, my rival, my friend. I honestly do not. But you do, don't you? You feel backed into a corner to the point where you'll do everything to hide this. Do you honestly believe… Yes, you do, don't you? You believe this is even worse than being gay. But I do not agree, my friend.  
_

_Although I_ _ **do**_ _wonder if your young friend realizes this as well? He should. He is a genius too, is he not? Besides, from what I can tell, the two of you are always together. So he knows, then. Is it something you've agreed upon?  
_

_No wait, I did not just study my rival today.  
Shikamaru… He… He __**doesn't**_ _know. Not really.  
Poor boy. No. Poor young man. Should I even pity him, though? Yes. I believe I should. He has gone through so much already, in such a short time. Poor, poor Shikamaru. But it __**will**_ _get better, my young friend. Show your courage now, and it will. I can all but guarantee you that. It is really just too plain to miss.  
_

_And you have determination in your eyes, do you not? You_ _ **will**_ _show your courage. Tonight, if I am not mistaken.  
_

He chuckled, refilling his glass and tipping it back. 

_Tonight it is, then. Tonight, and most likely tomorrow as well. You shall get your wish, my young friend. You will. You only need the courage, the determination to see this through. But you have those. You are not lazy like people think, you are just easily bored. Like Kakashi. Yes, I think I like this thought, I think I like it very much. You two will keep each other's minds occupied. I can tell you already do that, but it could be so much better still.  
_

_Show your determination, Shikamaru Nara. Do not let_ _ **anything**_ _scare you off. Not the moods of our infamous copy ninja, not the thoughts of what others would think. Not your own insecurities. I know you have them, even if you try so hard to hide that fact. You are scared, my young friend, are you not? But do not let that stop you. Not now. Not when you have a chance, no not even a chance. It is almost a certain thing at this point. Show your determination, show the predator how you become the prey. Show him, and you'll have him. He will be yours my young friend. I know it.  
_

The orange juice was all gone now, so he switched back to water. Knowing that even though he was not thirsty, his body was dehydrated. 

_Not many people know Kakashi the way you and me do. He is no longer the predator, he merely pretends to be. It is the safest route to take after all. Basking in the wild stories that people conjure up, never having to prove or deny any of it. It has been the perfect cover for years. Rip that cover away from him, Shikamaru. It will be best for_ _ **both**_ _o f you, no, for everyone.  
Don't let him hide anymore.  
_

_Does Iruka realize, I wonder? I cannot ask him, cannot give anything away. But he_ _ **should**_ _. He's spent more time around the both of them than I have…  
_

_Although… I could be wrong…  
_ Maito Gai blinked. 

_Really, I_ _ **could.**_ _After all, what do I know?  
_

Chuckling, he shook his head.  
 _No, I'm_ _ **not**_ _wrong. I am certain of it.  
_

He placed the glass in the sink, unable to stomach anymore fluids as he all but ran to the bathroom.  
 _Quite certain, at least.  
_

Sighing, he flushed.  
 _I hope so. I hope I am right.  
_

He closed the bathroom door behind him, walking over to his dresser.  
 _They deserve it. I hope I am right.  
_

Choosing a pair of pajama bottoms, he started to undress.  
 _Either way, it would not be a good idea if they were disturbed tomorrow.  
_

Dropping his clothes in the hamper, he pulled up the pajama bottoms.  
 _Just in case. If they are… They would need time to work it out. Kakashi would need time to work it out. Shikamaru doesn't seem to care as much…  
_

He slipped in bed.  
 _Good luck, my young friend.  
_

He closed his eyes.  
 _I am rooting for you._


	10. Oh God, I'm Touching Him

AUTHORS NOTE: This is actually what happened _in between_ 'The Talk' and 'Lust'.  
When I originally wrote that (way back around when I was writing chapter 35… I had a whole list of 'Unplaced Chapter' crowding up the laptop) I didn't know what went in between – and I didn't really _need_ to write it either, so I didn't. And then, suddenly, I got inspiration. Yay. I wanted to write smut, and so I did. Multiple side notes and other tidbits.  
Over the holidays.  
When I had _no_ time to spare.  
There's that… 

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^ 

Oh and eh… _**SPOILER ALERT.**_  
If you don't want to read a spoiler, come back here after you've had the chance to read chapter 59, you shouldn't have to wait _that_ long, so… Contain your curiosity if you want to keep following this story as is, if not… Well, I'd love to hear what you think about this, and also what you think of my latest teasing technique xD

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to Chapters 55 & 57; The Talk & Lust Is A Powerful Word  
_Drabble title: I'm Touching Him, Oh God, I'm Touching Him

XOXOX

"Yeah, side note; make sure your guy is _fucking_ _gorgeous_ , can't have a cutie like you giving himself to some ugly fucker…" 

_Did he just…_ _ **Say**_ _that? Fucking gorgeous? That's… You_ _ **are**_ _… So… Is it okay then? I_ _ **want**_ _to… I want to so bad. I love you, Kakashi, I love you. I love you, I love you,_ _ **I love you**_ _!  
_

_Do you… Can you… I mean… Am I good enough? Are you… Would you consider?  
Do you love me, too? I want to know, Kakashi… I __**need**_ _to know… I tried to coax it out of you all night, but… You didn't understand, did you? Or maybe you just don't care about me like that…  
_

_I know you know all about Asuma, about how I fell in love with the guy… I know_ _ **you**_ _did, too.  
Do you realize I'm over him, now? Do you understand that it's __**you**_ _I want?  
Would you say that I'm going too fast? That I haven't quite gotten over him completely yet? Most would… I think you wouldn't. I think you… Would understand. But then… Do you love me, Kakashi? Do you love me like I love you?  
_

_If you did… You would've said something by now, wouldn't you? You're always honest with_ _ **me**_ _, at least. So… You don't?  
But somehow I can't really believe __**that**_ _either…  
Maybe because I don't want to.  
Maybe because I keep hoping.  
Maybe… Maybe I'm wrong…  
_

"Shikamaru? I didn't mean to embarrass you…" Kakashi regarded his young friend seriously for a moment, noticing the blush had only increased, "Okay, maybe I did… A _little_. But –" 

"Stop it. It's fine," Shikamaru's words came out curt and clipped. He sighed, softening his tone as the older man seemed a little hurt by his earlier words, "Kakashi… I didn't mean that to come out like that… It's just…" 

"It's alright," He flashed him a quick smile, "I realize it's a little… _Much_." 

"Yeah… Say, Kakashi?" 

"Hmmm?" 

' _How do you feel about me?'  
'Do you love me?'  
'I've been in love with you for too long.'  
'I love you.'  
'Please never leave me…'  
_Shikamaru shook his head violently, there was no way he could say any of that out loud, so it was no use thinking about it. He bit his lip, leaning over a little, but the copy ninja retreated, studying the younger face. Shikamaru sighed.  
 _I'm doomed…  
_

"Hey," Kakashi's voice was soft, worry laced in, "What's up?" 

"Never mind…" He retreated a little, looking down. 

"Shikamaru… I'll talk about anything, you _know_ that, right? There's really nothing to be ashamed about, whatever it is, I've probably already been there before…" He sighed silently.  
 _I've pretty much done_ _ **everything**_ _before… Except maybe…_ _ **This**_ _…  
_

_Dude! That's the fucking_ _ **problem**_ _!  
_ "No… It's cool. I didn't really want to say anything…" 

"Then what?" The silver-haired man quirked an eyebrow, trying to turn the awkwardness into another joke – that always felt safer, "You checking me out?" 

_Uh… Yeah… That and… Trying to kiss you, I guess…  
_ Shikamaru forced his lips into a smirk, "Maybe…" 

Taken aback, the copy ninja took a little time to come up with a reply, eventually settling on an inelegant, " _Why?_ " 

The Nara swallowed, this wasn't a joke, he'd assumed Kakashi would reply with a joke!  
 _Now what do I do…?_  
"Just…" He swallowed again, trying not to show his nervousness, cursing his red cheeks with every breath he took, "You said fucking gorgeous, right? I was just checking to see if you qualify…"  
 _That didn't come out right! It should've sounded like a joke! That didn't sound like a joke_ _ **at all**_ _! He's going to figure me out, after all, isn't he? Man… I'm done for… What a drag…  
_

Kakashi blinked.  
 _Fucking gorgeous? I_ _ **did**_ _say that, didn't I?  
But… He's kidding… __**Has**_ _to be… He'd never…  
_ "And? How do I hold up to inspection?" His tone light, eye crinkled in his signature smile, the copy ninja hoped that he'd convincingly replied to Shikamaru's joke in the same manner. 

_Oh crap… Doomed… Done for… I love him…  
_ "You'd do…"  
 _Oh man! That wasn't what I wanted to say at all! That was mean! Kakashi, I didn't mean it! I honest to god didn't mean it like that! I swear!  
_

_I'd do…? Does that mean… No, don't be stupid!  
I can't be thinking about this! He's fifteen, I'm twenty-nine, he's pure and innocent and perfect and I'm – don't go there. Anyway, there's no way that's what he meant… No way.  
_"Good to hear, I guess," He winked, opening his mouth to say something like 'But I'm too old for you, you know,' but the words didn't come out. He couldn't say it, couldn't… Never.  
 _Not when I_ _ **want**_ _to…  
_ _ **NO**_ _, we're_ _ **friends**_ _! He's my_ _ **friend**_ _! Don't ever think about him like that again, you dirty pervert!  
_

_Is he… Is he really… I mean… No, probably not…  
_ The Nara's shoulders slumped a little, but he covered it up by fiddling with the hem of his pant leg, "If you say so…" He sounded bored, the mask he'd been perfecting over the years securely in place. 

Kakashi shifted, sitting sideways on the bed, his back to the window, he studied his young friend for a little while. Shikamaru didn't seem inclined to ever look up again, and it was starting to worry the older man a little. But he didn't know what to say, so he just crossed his legs and stayed silent. 

Minutes had passed before Shikamaru suddenly looked up, dark eyes seemingly searching his face. He looked away again, studying the knob on the upper desk drawer. 

Still not knowing what to say, Kakashi said nothing. Swallowing hard as he tried his best to suppress the images and memories flooding his brain.  
Shikamaru, screaming out his release back at that little inn.  
Shikamaru, smiling that amazing little smirk of his.  
Shikamaru, blushing, but looking at him with excitement in his eyes as he pointed at Kakashi, laughing as he said the man had just basically admitted to owning sex toys.  
Shikamaru, laying on his back, naked, panting on Kakashi's bed – _No!_  
Shikamaru's lips on his own – _Stop it!  
_ Shikamaru, panting above him as he – _Stay away, you dirty pervert!  
_ Tsunade, acting all innocent, "Would you like to?"

Kakashi sighed.  
 _Yes, Tsunade… Yes I would…_

"What's wrong?" Shikamaru didn't look up, fiddling with the hem of his pants as his eyes stayed fixed on the knob on the desk drawer. 

"Nothing… I just, eh… You're… _Worrying_ me a little. Could you please tell me what you're thinking about?" 

A smirk, "No." 

"Why not?" 

_Because you might hate me for it… Hate me for messing with our friendship. Hate me for telling you that I love you…  
_

"Shikamaru?" He leaned back a little, trying to get a better view of the Nara's face.  
Suddenly, the boy looked up, moving faster than Kakashi'd ever seen him move before. He sat down, all but straddling the knee of the silver-haired man, "I'll show you," He placed one hand on Kakashi.  
 _I'm touching him! Oh god, I'm touching him!_ _ **I am touching Kakashi Hatake's cock!**_

The man gulped, "Shi-Shikamaru, this probably isn't a good idea," Kakashi stuttered. 

The Nara began to lightly stroke his elder's member through the uniform pants, "I know."


	11. We Work With A Lot Of Hot Guys

AUTHORS NOTE: As the four (Kakashi, Shikamaru, Shino and Sakura) continue their journey after their extended stay at a certain little inn, Sakura wonders what Kakashi-sensei and Shikamaru are talking about up ahead. Here's another little piece of their conversation… 

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^ 

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to Chapter 7; Conclusions  
_ Drabble title: We Just Happen To Work With A Lot Of Hot Guys…

XOXOX

"Say, Kakashi?" The younger man looked at him a little hesitantly as they leaped from tree to tree, Sakura and Shino trailing a ways behind them. 

"Yeah?" He shot his young friend a warm look, in the two short days after they'd talked the night away in some small inn in a nameless little town they'd become so close. Kakashi still had trouble believing it, sometimes.  
 _Shikamaru is gay, too. I'm not alone anymore… And he… Get's it. All of it. I can't believe how lucky I am…  
_

"Do you think… Is it… _Weird_ that I've sort of… That sometimes I kind of... I dunno, like, _dream_ about some of my old classmates? Like… The really hot guys?" 

The silver-haired man chuckled, "No," Avoiding a large branch, he settled his eye on the young Nara for a brief moment. The boy was blushing, obviously trying not to look at him, "I already told you I did – well, _do_ – the same, right? Besides… Some of 'em really _are_ hot…" 

Shikamaru smirked, "Yeah… Aren't you a bit old for any of 'em, though?" 

"What?" Kakashi feigned hurt, "I can't even enjoy the view? I'd say most of the other guys are too old for _you_ …" 

"True, still hot though…" 

"Like I said, we just happen to work with a _lot_ of hot guys… So," He winked at the boy, "Who's the hottest?" 

"What? Of my old classmates? I'd say… Hmmm, it's hard to choose, what a drag…" 

Chuckling, the copy ninja moved a little closer, "Okay, so who's on the list?" 

"In no particular order? Let's see… Kiba's on there, even though he's a pain to have to deal with… Sasuke, I suppose, but he's a little too much a of 'pretty boy' for me… I suppose Neji's hot, he's pretty much a nightmare, though…" 

The older man chuckled again, "Why?" 

"Stuck up, always goes on and on about 'fate', too damned sure of how _fucking_ amazing he is…" Shikamaru sighed, "Guy's such a drag…" 

"Hmmm? Could work in your favor though…" Upon receiving the boy's quizzical look Kakashi almost laughed out loud, "Just convince him that it's his 'fate' to fuck you," He shrugged, "Simple." 

The Nara shot him an incredulous look, "Dude, you're dirty…" 

"What? He's actually the easiest of the bunch, of course Sasuke being god-knows-where doesn't really help the situation, but…" He trailed off, staring straight ahead. 

After a few minutes, Shikamaru couldn't take it anymore – he was worried about his friend. So he spoke softly, "Hey, you okay?" 

"Hmmm?" An eye-crinkle drifted his way, "Just fine, Shikamaru, just fine…" 

"Right… I mention Sasuke and you zone out _, sure_ you're fine…" He sighed, "Look, Kakashi –" 

"It's not about that, though. I just… I kinda tried to imagine if it could work, you know? But the kid's so dead-set on vengeance, I doubt he's ever jerked _himself_ off, let alone thought about having someone else do it _for_ him. Such a shame, really…" 

Shikamaru coughed beside him, choking on his own giggles, " _Dude!_ " 

"What?" He gave the boy an innocent look, "Now don't try to tell me you've never thought about it." 

Shikamaru was still trying to catch his breath, but managed to squeeze something out nonetheless, "Bout _what_?" 

"Jerking off the last Uchiha…" A naughty grin on his face, Kakashi looked straight ahead. 

"Don't tell me _you_ have! He's your freakin' _student!_ " 

"Well, _yes_ , he was also a little _kid_ when I saw him last… Itachi was always pretty hot, though…" 

"His brother, right?" Shikamaru shot him a confused look. 

"Yeah… Can't deny those genes, my friend… Uchiha's are _hot_ …" 

Shikamaru smirked, muttering under his breath, "You think everyone's hot…" 

"Hmmm? Maybe…" Kakashi shot a look over his shoulder, "Though maybe not _everyone_ …" He said thoughtfully. 

"Sakura? She's a _girl_ …" 

"Well, yeah… She still looks pretty cute though, for a girl. No I just… Never realized how the Aburame men managed to find themselves a girl…" 

"Wow… Low blow…" 

"What? I just don't get how they can get themselves a girl in _that_ get-up – or a guy for that matter." 

"No-one's seen _your_ face, either, and _still_ they chase you around…" 

Kakashi shrugged, "There's that…" 

"Even though you're a pervert that walks around town reading _porn_ …" 

"Ah!" Kakashi held up one finger, "It's _not_ porn, it's _erotica_. There's a difference." 

"Like what?" Raising one eyebrow, the Nara studied him curiously for a moment. 

"Like the lack of proper fucking... But really, you shouldn't be thinking about books like that anyway. You just stick to your weapon manuals, be a good boy," He winked again. 

"Tsch!" The boy scoffed, "Anyway, in case you were wondering… I happen to think he looks pretty damn good…" 

"Oh? He wasn't on your little list, though…" 

"Dude!" Suddenly, Shikamaru moved even closer, all but whispering, "He's right _there_ …" 

Kakashi quirked one eyebrow, "That's the only reason you didn't include him?" 

Pulling a face, the Nara looked away, "Maybe…" 

"Ah, so it's true, then!" The silver-haired man smiled wide, whispering back, "Is _that_ why you were moaning last night? Because Shino Aburame was _right there_ …?" 

Eyes wide, cheeks burning, Shikamaru gave the older man's shoulder a shove, "Zip it!" 

"So it was," Kakashi chuckled, "Oh, don't worry Shikamaru, no-one else noticed. The two little ones were fast asleep…" 

"You know, Kakashi? You can be a living nightmare sometimes…" Shikamaru sighed, avoiding another large branch. 

"I know, I try to only be a _real_ nightmare for my enemies, though…" He regarded the boy seriously, "Am I pushing it?" 

Another sigh emanated from the young body, "Not really… I just don't really know how to… Deal with it sometimes, I guess…" 

"With me?" 

The Nara smirked, " _You_ I can handle, no… I meant… Just, everyone else, I guess…" 

"Ah…" The man said softly, "I'll always be here if you get stuck, just so you know." 

"I know… Thanks…" 

"Sure," He gave the boy another one of his eye-crinkling smiles, "Now… What was that about Kiba?"


	12. Your Son Told Me Something… Interesting

AUTHORS NOTE: 

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to Chapters 28 & 35; He Is My Friend & A Day In The Life Of A Busy Hokage  
_Drabble title: Your Son Told Me Something… Interesting

XOXOX

"So..." Tsunade didn't look up as she shuffled the papers around, "Your son told me something rather interesting the other day..." 

Shikaku almost chocked on his first sip of coffee, setting the cup back down, he regarded the woman in front of him warily, "Really?" 

She didn't respond at first, restacking the files in order of importance, "After Kakashi woke up, I went to get Shikamaru, right?" 

"Yes..." He was immediately on guard - there were a number of things Shikamaru could've said after all. 

"Because Kakashi only wanted to talk to _him_." 

Shikaku frowned, "I _know_ Tsunade! Get to the point already, will you?" 

She looked up, one eyebrow quirked, surprised amusement on her face, "The point, Shikaku? The _point_ is that I'm not even sure if I should be telling you any of this..." 

He sighed, "Then don't start talking about it in the first place!" 

"Hmm, you're probably right. If he hasn't told you yet, he probably will soon enough. He apparently just wanted to make _me_ understand that he could understand what Kakashi's going through, not that he actually _can_ , but..." 

"Ah," The Nara sighed again, leaning back in his chair. His tone was soft as he slowly started to relax again, "You mean to say he came out to you, that he told you he's gay." 

Tsunade smiled softly at the man before her, "Yes, he did. So he told you too? Does Yoshino know?" 

"He told me... Asked Kakashi to be there, that's when..." He sighed, rubbing his face with his palms, "I asked the guy if it was the same with him and he... Collapsed. He just stared ahead. I've seen shinobi break before, Tsunade, and I was not about to let my son get his first experience with that by seeing his friend break down, not to mention the fact that the boy was already so scared to begin with..." 

"I can only imagine," She said softly. 

"Yeah... Anyway, Yoshino... I told her last night, when you went to check up on them. She was... Less than pleased to find out Shikamaru was staying over there, but..." He bit his lip, "She's okay with it, I guess..." 

"He didn't want to tell her himself?" Tsunade's tone was surprised, "You'd think that telling his _mother_ would be easier –" 

"It's not. Yoshino can be difficult to deal with sometimes," He smiled wearily, "The two don't actually get along very well... They're too much alike, I think. Add to that that the woman still thinks she can scold him like she did when he was a little boy, and..." He sighed, "I knew he'd never have the heart to tell her himself, so I offered to do it for him." 

"I see... But don't most people assume he's more like _you_? I know _I_ did..." 

"On the surface, yes. He also has the same kind of tactical analysis as I do, though that's probably largely because I trained him since he was old enough to crawl. But if you dig a little deeper, you'll find Yoshino. The same sort if persistence, the same unrelenting willpower. They're both like dogs with a bone when they want something. Determined. That's why I've never been able to really stand up to her," He smiled sheepishly, "With Shikamaru it's different because he's my _son_ , my responsibility." 

"And your heir..." Her tone was soft, "And he's not going to produce his own, Shikaku, have you thought about that?" 

"I have, and he still might. On the other hand, if he marries a woman, he still might not. We would have had more kids if it hadn't been so... _Difficult_ for Yoshino..." 

Tsunade nodded in sympathy, "It was dangerous for her, wasn't it?" 

"Yeah... Literally everything that _could_ go wrong... Just having Shikamaru damn near killed her. So the doctors said..." He sighed, "Anyway, we made sure there would be no more pregnancies," A sad smile pulled on the corners of his mouth, "That's probably why she's always hovering over the boy..." 

Tsunade smiled back, "What did she say when you told her?" 

"Not much, she cried for almost half the night though..." 

The blonde blinked, "And you still say she's _okay_ with it?!" 

A deep sigh escaped the man, and he took a small sip of his coffee before replying in a soft tone, "She mostly cried because things are probably going to be a lot more difficult for him if he... Well, as a gay man, a gay _shinobi_. And because he'd been so scared to tell us about it," He flashed her an embarrassed smile, "I cried about that too... Anyway, she feels he's fled the house until things quiet down again and no amount of explaining is going to convince her otherwise. I don't know... Maybe she's right, you know?" 

"Maybe... I wouldn't blame him if he did. But Shikaku, it's not so strange that you would cry over something like that, you know..." 

"I know..." He rubbed in his tired eyes, "Tsunade, can we just get to work here? I have another meeting at nine, and before that I need to drink about another gallon of coffee if I'm going to stay awake long enough to deal with the vagueness that is ANBU black ops..."


	13. Did I Rape Him?

AUTHORS NOTE: Izumo! Ah, my poor man, get out of your head, there's really nothing to worry about! Awww…. Anyway, these are Izumo's thoughts _the day after_ … lol. 

Thank you Mswan0117 for checking this over! You're an amazing Beta, just so you know ;) 

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to Chapter_ _77: When Three Becomes Four_ _  
_Drabble title: Did I… **Rape** Him?

XOXOX

 _He's definitely not home. Definitely not. No. That means… That he's not here. Yeah… Not home.  
He's… Eh… Well… Not here, so he's… He's… He's got to be… __**There**_ _, right? 'Cause he's not here… And that's like… I mean… I'd talk to Kotetsu about this if I thought I could… Kotetsu's_ _ **my**_ _best friend… His is… Yeah, that's probably where he is… But… I don't… I can't…  
_

_But… Kakashi_ _ **knows**_ _, right? He knows about me… Probably. No,_ _ **certainly**_ _… If he's there… Which he probably is… So… I mean, he's not home, so… He's got to be… Where else would he be, right? So… Heh… He's_ _ **there**_ _, then… And I… I'm scared, though… That's… That's Kakashi Hatake… And… Not only is he a pervert, he's… He's strong enough to snap me like a twig… And I just… Yesterday, I… I mean… That's not… It's not like I wanted to, eh…_ _ **Embarrass**_ _Iruka or anything… I mean… I didn't mean to, eh… It's not like I_ _ **planned**_ _this… I mean, if I had… I wouldn't have… You know, let myself slip or anything…But…  
_

_He just looked so hot… And… I mean… He's a guy, and I_ _ **like**_ _guys… And so does he, so… I mean… It's not like either of us has ever_ _ **done**_ _anything like that before… God, that felt good, though… Oh,_ _ **good god**_ _… I can't… Can't get it out of my mind… He… His hands… And, then… I… I_ _ **touched**_ _him, I felt… Oh god, I_ _ **felt**_ _him… Unbelievable… But he's probably mad, now… I never… I mean… He's my friend, right… And then I… Oh god, he's going to hate me for the rest of my life, isn't he?  
_

_But, Iruka's a nice guy, right? He wouldn't… Oh, who am I kidding? He would. He so would. And now he's probably over there, telling that guy that I raped him… I mean, I didn't, though. Did I? It's not like I actually… Got permission, so… I guess… I guess I did. And… Kakashi… I'm dead, aren't I? I'm so dead… Iruka… You felt so good, oh god, you felt so good… Did I… Did I really rape him? I mean… He touched me, too, right? So… Does that still mean that I…?  
_

_I still can't believe how good that felt… Just… Even just his hands on my chest… That was… I've been touching myself like that for years, but… It's_ _ **nothing**_ _compared to the real thing… And then I had to go and force his hand down… Oh god… He hates me for that, he_ _ **has**_ _to… Even if that was probably the best feeling in my entire, miserable life… No, actually… I think feeling_ _ **him**_ _… When he… That was so awesome… I actually_ _ **felt**_ _that… I felt him come… That was… Indescribable… He's not gonna feel the same, is he? God, I wish he could feel the same…  
_

_I should probably… Go over there. Talk to him… Maybe he'll… Have coffee with me or something… No, probably not, I mean… He probably thinks I raped him… And Kakashi is going to kill me for this, I know he is… Still… If I'm the coward that runs away… I_ _ **deserve**_ _to be chased down and killed.  
_

_I can at least try to explain… I didn't mean to, you know, hurt him or anything, hurt his feelings… I just… Iruka looked so irresistible… Irresistible Iruka… Heh,_ _ **that**_ _,_ __ _he is…  
It's not like… I'm in love with the guy or anything… If anything, I think I'm still in love with Kotetsu, I probably always will be… But Iruka… He's… He's awesome, he really is. He's fucking amazing – fucking? Heh, yeah, that too… He's hot, and he's great company and… And I just couldn't help myself anymore… I just… I can't remember for how long I've wanted to __**touch**_ _, to_ _ **feel**_ _… And Iruka… He was there, and I… I'm an asshole. I touched one of my best friends just because I was horny… God if that had happened with Kotetsu I'd be laying in a hospital bed right now…  
_

_Iruka's not like that… He's just ashamed of it, probably… Ashamed that I touched him… That I forced him to touch_ _ **me**_ _… He's probably feeling sick to his stomach. But Kakashi… I think that's a whole other story… I don't exactly_ _ **know**_ _the guy, but… There are stories, you know? Like how he took out seven jounin from the Mist because they broke his teammate's arm… Maybe that one's a little exaggerated, though… Still, if Iruka's his friend, and I made Iruka touch me… I think I'm gonna be sick…  
_

_He lives around here, doesn't he? I remember going through the records with Kotetsu once, he said he wanted to know where Kakashi lived, so he could steer clear of him… And here I am… Looking, actually_ _ **looking**_ _for his apartment. I think this might be my last day on earth… But_ _ **Iruka**_ _, ah… He looked so… Cute. I_ _ **know**_ _that's kind of a mean thing to think about a grown man, but… And then he… Oh god, his face when he… That was… So_ _ **hot.**_ _  
_

_My cheeks are burning… That's probably a bad thing, right? But I can't… I just can't get it out of my head… Iruka… He felt so good, so good that… I don't know the words… He's… And I… I'm a monster, aren't I? I think I am… Kakashi undoubtedly thinks I am. I know he does… Does Iruka think I'm a monster? Does he think I…_ _ **Raped**_ _him? I… Oh god, I hope not… I never meant to force him into anything, I just… He was…_ _ **Touching**_ _me and… It felt like I was about to burst and… And I couldn't… Couldn't take it anymore… So I… That was wrong, though, wasn't it? Probably… Probably was… Just like me touching him was…_ _ **Bad.**_ _Really bad. He's my friend… And I… I think I might've raped him…  
_


	14. The First Touch

AUTHORS NOTE: So… This is what we call the _detailed_ account. Did Iruka and Izumo's awkwardness confuse you? Are you feeling like Kakashi and just want _nothing_ more than to watch these two guys get it on? Well, you're in luck! _You_ can read this side note, Kakashi only has his own, perverted imagination. That might be better though… I should go learn from the master – *Rushes away to offer to buy Kakashi a cup of tea in exchange for a peek into his mind, "No, you can get the expensive tea, I don't mind…" Checks wallet, then gulps.* 

Okaaay… I'm feeling giddy, folks xD 

Thank you Mswan0117 for your Beta and your own little twisted mind, you know I love you ^.^ 

As mentioned before, the side notes contain a lot of (well, not yet, maybe) moments that didn't show up in the main story. Just a little looksie behind the scenes, really. I will be taking requests for side notes throughout the main story. Any moment you feel like you've missed, any detail you'd like to see written out, let me know! I will consider _every_ prompt.

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to Chapter 81; Perverts Are So Easily Distracted  
_ Drabble title: The first touch

XOXOX

They leaned into each other a little, neither man realizing the close proximity this brought. Izumo shifted his gaze, eyes fluttering toward Iruka's lips, moving back up to chocolate eyes, before lowering to the younger man's lips once more. His breathing heavy, eyes lidded. 

Iruka was no better off, his own eyes glued to Izumo's, panting slightly, unable to focus his mind on anything as blood rushed down to his groin. He leaned in ever so slightly, meeting Izumo half-way.

Their lips met, softly touching. Izumo could feel Iruka's breath, the other man's lips slightly parted. He couldn't resist, acting on nothing but instinct as he parted his own lips ever so slightly. Gingerly, he let his tongue slip out, sliding across Iruka's lips. They parted, and before either man could fully grasp the situation, Izumo's tongue slid past Iruka's lips. The sensation was strange, though not unwanted, making the younger man gasp, his own tongue instinctively coming to meet the intruder. 

As Izumo felt Iruka's tongue slid past his own, he couldn't hold back a soft moan, his body steadily overpowering his mind. He pushed softly, pressing his lips more firmly against Iruka's. Somewhere in the back of his mind he feared that his friend would shy away from him, but Iruka did no such thing; His actions the opposite of what Izumo'd feared. Or possibly they mirrored his fear, the man did not know. Strong, gentle hands wandered his chest, like his own had done a million times, trying to simulate this feeling. But it had never even gotten close. He moaned again, feeling fingers tug at his shirt, trying to open the buttons. 

Three of them opened, and Iruka let warm hands ghost over the bare flesh they found underneath. He swallowed, pulling back a little and settling his glazed eyes on Izumo, wary of the older man pulling back from his touch. He was startled as strong hands found their way into his hair, pulling him back in. Izumo kissed him hungrily, sloppily, his desperation clear in his touch. Iruka felt the same, his own frantic need urging him on as he kissed back, pressing his lips against Izumo's even tighter. 

He wasn't thinking, if he were, he wouldn't be doing this. Not any of it. But he _wasn't_ thinking. Letting one hand fall away from tousled, brown locks, he trailed it down. Brushing past a broad, muscular chest, down a flat stomach. Eventually coming to rest upon Iruka's stiff member, unconsciously massaging the hot flesh through the dark material of Iruka's pants. The younger man gasped, bucking his hips to press himself into Izumo's touch, arching his back as he did so. 

Leaning back on his hands, Iruka felt like he couldn't even breathe anymore. The older man's touches completely overpowering him. He moaned involuntarily, a sound that seemed too loud in the silence of the room. Though the sound seemed to only egg the older man on, his hand pressing down stronger, his breathing ragged and erratic. He moved suddenly, straddling Iruka, recapturing the first lips he had ever kissed. 

Izumo felt his heart pounding, his body aching to touch and be touched. Iruka's body under his felt so willing, so inviting. It was impossible not to continue his gentle massage, his hand moving almost on its own. The feel of Iruka's lips against his was indescribable, the throbbing of the flesh against his palm even more so. A tanned hand was brought up to his chest again, a button flying across the room. He didn't even notice. The hand ghosting over his chest once more was all but driving him insane; he needed that hand to travel lower, to touch him like he touched the body writhing under him. His hand untangled itself from the chocolate strands, grabbing hold of Iruka's hand on his chest, guiding it lower. 

Iruka felt slightly anxious as his hand was pushed down to the unmistakable bulge in Izumo's pants. He wanted to touch him, wanted it so much, but a slight portion of his brain kept telling him this wasn't right, that he shouldn't be doing this. That Izumo would hate him for it later. Yet, he could not stop. 

His head fell down the moment he felt Iruka's hand reached its destination, unable to do anything but pant for several long seconds. His own hand had stilled, and for now, he couldn't manage any movement other than his heaving chest, his softly whimpering lips. 

The body towering over him stilled the moment his hand came to rest upon Izumo's full erection. The strange feeling and Izumo's immediate reaction made him swallow. His whispering voice tentative, hesitant, "Is this okay?" 

"Yes... Oh fuck, yes, please..." 

He swallowed again, rubbing his hand over the pulsing flesh under the soft fabric. The older man moaned, rocking his hips, leaning into his touch. His own hand starting to move again as well, almost reflexively so. 

Iruka could feel the tension rising. Apparently, at some point, Izumo's lips had found his pulse, and that was the last straw for the younger man. His back arched, his lips formed unarticulated words as his voice echoed through the room. He fell to his back, shuddering, Izumo's hand still on his member, still massaging as his orgasm flooded all his senses. His own hand had dropped, unable to sustain enough coherency to continue his ministrations. 

Without thinking, Izumo slipped his other hand inside his pants, needing the release, but instinctively knowing the moment would be over soon. Iruka was shuddering under his touch, his hoarse voice sending shivers down Izumo's spine. His hands mirrored each other's movements, and it wasn't long before he, too, screamed out his release. Collapsing half-atop the younger man, he closed his eyes. Feeling his cheeks burn as he pulled his hand out of his pants, removed the hand that was still lingering on Iruka's now wilted member. 

Iruka bit his lip, moving to sit up. He glanced at Izumo at the corner of his eye, cheeks burning hot. Izumo, too, straightened himself, moving away from the younger man just barely. 

"So... That happened..." Izumo looked away shyly. 

"Yeah... Uh... Bad?" 

"No. No, not bad... Uh... Weird maybe?" 

"Kinda..." 

"I mean... We're friends, right?" 

"Right..." 

"So we probably shouldn't be..." 

"Probably not, no... But... Like you said, we're friends. We can just..." 

"Move on." 

"Right." 

"Right." 

They looked at each other for a moment. Izumo opened his mouth. Closed it again. Then apparently came to a conclusion, "I should probably go home, now." 

"Yeah... Uh, Good night." 

"Yeah, good night, Iruka." 

When the other had left, Iruka dropped himself on his back.  
 _That did_ _ **not**_ _just happen... Right?_


	15. Kashi & Ruka, Best Friends

AUTHORS NOTE: You might remember that this particular chapter left Kakashi and Iruka standing just outside Kakashi's door, a peaceful and warm atmosphere hanging around them. They've both decided the other is the most trustworthy person they know. Why would they just stand there silently until Kakashi goes to bed? Doesn't make sense, right? They're best friends after all. No matter how amicable the silence, there will be words again. How about these words…? 

PS: Thank you Letsrandom for (accidentally) putting this idea in my head ;)  
And thank you Mswan for being the amazing Beta that you are. I will never be able to thank you enough ^.^ (And yes, I want to be Kashi's friend too, _even_ if he gets gropey :P) 

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to Chapter_ _77; He Is So Loud_  
Drabble title: Kashi & Ruka, Best Friends 

XOXOX

They stood silently for a little while, two friends enjoying the sunset, each other´s company. They didn´t really need any words right now. Iruka realized that this wasn't a silence that his best friend _needed;_ he was free to speak if he wanted to. And to be honest… He wanted to. 

"Kakashi, can I ask you something?" He didn't look at the silver-haired man, instead watching the sun set behind the buildings in the distance. 

A small smile formed on his face, though he knew the mask hid it. His gaze lingering on the setting sun, he spoke softly, "Whatever you want, Ruka. You can ask anything." 

A deep breath, "Shikamaru told me you, eh…" Iruka swallowed, nearly whispering, "He was still a virgin, right?" 

"He was. Honestly Iruka…" Kakashi sighed, picking another cigarette, "I… I _love_ him –" 

Iruka snorted, "Hard to miss, Kashi…" 

Amused, he looked at his friend, "You _never_ call me that anymore…" 

"Because you asked me to stop," He looked up at Kakashi for a moment, studying the older man's features – or lack thereof.  
 _Over the years I've gotten too used to him taking the mask off… I've gotten spoiled…  
_

"When?" Kakashi's tone was soft, surprised. 

"Eh…" Iruka rubbed the back of his head a little uncomfortably, "I _might_ have been force-feeding you at the time…" 

"Ah… Well, disregard the statement then, please," Chuckling a little, he nudged his best friend's shoulder gently, "I wasn't myself…" 

"No, if you were, you wouldn't have tried to hit me at the time…" Iruka sounded thoughtful. But then he shook his head, "We were talking about Shikamaru though." 

"Yeah…" Kakashi's tone held a different kind of warmth than Iruka was used to from him, always did when he spoke about the young Nara. It made the sensei smile a little. 

"I would have waited for him, you know? I actually _was_ waiting for him to be honest. I tried so hard to only think about him as one of my best friends, but… Cuteness wouldn't have it," He chuckled lightly, "He can be _such_ an aggressive lover sometimes…" 

Looking up at his best friend, Iruka had to suppress a chuckle. Kakashi was staring off into the sunset, looking dreamy. He'd never seen the man like this, right now Kakashi looked so completely happy – it was a shame he couldn't always be like this. Although… "Kakashi," He giggled, "Are you _serious_?" 

"Why yes. Completely," Surprised, he blinked at his friend, "It's a good thing, you know. Well, to _me_ it is." 

"Yeah, I can tell," Chuckling, he gave a small nod in the general direction of the bulge in Kakashi's pants. 

"Ah… Well," He rubbed the back of his head, looking just a little sheepish, "I just…" 

"Kakashi," Still chuckling, he stared off into the distance, "I don't mind, you know. And I've always known you can get a little too excited a little _too_ easily…" 

"Yeah… It's just that… For the longest time, there wasn't really anything to get excited _about_ , Ruka. I mean… We only became close after I closed the book on that chapter of my life after all… And… I guess abstaining just _really_ doesn't suit me," Kakashi chuckled, throwing his best friend another amused look. 

"No," He chuckled along, "You get gropey…" 

"I _what_?!" Alarmed, he stared. 

"I never minded, Kashi," Iruka soothed the man, "You just… Hug, I guess. I've kind of always _liked_ that. But apparently that stopped when you got someone to hug in a more _private_ setting," He chuckled, but a wry smile settled on his lips. 

Kakashi swallowed, "I don't think I ever really realized, Ruka…" 

"I know. Don't worry about it, that's all I'm trying to say, okay?" Suddenly, an arm wrapped around his shoulder, pulling him close against the older man's body. A little startled, Iruka blinked, "Kakashi…?" 

"I'm sorry, Ruka. Most of the times that I actually remember… I always thought that I must've made you _so_ uncomfortable, so I tried not to do it again. Which didn't work, but then suddenly it did. And… I didn't think about it anymore because I was embarrassed about what I _know_ most people would call 'inappropriate touching'…" 

Leaning against his friend, Iruka chuckled a little, "You're my best friend, Kakashi. I don't see anything inappropriate about a hug. Even if you _have_ gone a little too far at times, I never really _minded_ , Kashi. Okay, wait…" Chuckling, he pulled away, looking up at his friend with amusement in his eyes, one finger raised the way Kakashi always did, "Grabbing my ass is _out_ from now on," He winked, leaning back against the railing. 

For a moment, Kakashi just stared, his whispered words came slow, "Please tell me you're joking and I never did that…?" 

"Twice." 

The silver-haired man swallowed, turning away, "I'm _really_ sorry, Ruka…" 

He sighed softly, "Kashi, I just _said_ I never minded. Much. You _did_ make me a little uncomfortable that day, but… You were so far gone, Kakashi. I just… I'm not sure _what_ I thought was going on inside your head, but I never thought you were touching _me_. You just…" 

"This was that time when I tried to, eh…" Kakashi swallowed, whispering, "When I cut myself up, right?" 

"Yeah… And you could barely move, so I had to do basically everything for you." 

"Ruka… I only remember flashes from that time…" The older man shuddered, "And I'd rather not remember more… I know that there was… You were helping me change, and I…" 

"Had a, eh… _Physical reaction_ , yes. And then you groped me. And I kind of figured you were probably thinking about some chick or whatever – Gosh, I don't think I've ever been _that_ wrong about you before!" Laughing, Iruka had to hold on to the railing just to stay on his feet. 

Kakashi looked a little embarrassed, cheeks pink even above the mask. When his friend calmed down again, he swallowed, "Wanna know what I was _really_ thinking about? Because that much, I remember quite clearly," He winked, leaning against the wall across from Iruka. 

"Am I going to blush?" Still chuckling, he looked up at his friend. 

"Possibly…" He drawled. 

"Okay, you know what? You obviously want to, so tell me," Biting his cheek to keep from laughing again, Iruka waited for what most likely be anther serving of embarrassment from his best friend. So long as it was _Kakashi_ though, the brunette never really minded much. 

"I was a little hazy, and I honest to god didn't even really _recognize_ you – I guess you noticed that much…" Biting his lip, he watched Iruka nod, "And… Well, you see… I kind of had… A _crush_ at the time. Civilian guy, don't even know his name," Smiling, he shook his head a little, "I'd decided I was never going to, eh… _do_ anything about that anymore anyway, so it didn't really matter what his name was. Okay, to be fair, I never really cared about names much. But… I don't know, Ruka. You kind of… Reminded me of him? Not that you two look so much alike, but…" Kakashi swallowed, looking away, "I was a little obsessed with him, and I wanted nothing more than for _him_ to be the one touching me, and so…" Shrugging a little uncomfortably, "I don't remember anything else, just the thoughts, but I guess that's when, eh…" 

"Yeah, guess so…" Iruka deliberately kept his tone soft, "But Kashi, I honestly didn't really mind, you know. If I did, I would've at least gotten up at that time. I mean, I tried to get your hand away, but that was more because it was so distracting, you know?" Chuckling again, he could feel his cheeks burn, "It's actually a little funny though… The only one who's ever touched me is my best friend, and that's just because he was thinking of someone else…" His smile turned a little sad, and he turned his back to the older man so Kakashi wouldn't see it. But of course he'd noticed. Stepping a little closer, he rested his arm on Iruka's shoulders once more. 

"I know there's someone amazing out there for you, Ruka. You're one of the best guys I've ever met, and I know a _lot_ of people. Somewhere out there, there's someone who deserves you. And you deserve them. And that means that they're fucking fantastic because you only deserve the very best, my friend." 

Smiling a little, he leaned his head against Kakashi's shoulder for a moment, "You're tired, you should just go to bed…" 

"I will. In a bit. Right now, I don't really want to go anywhere…" 

Iruka nodded, Kakashi was right. He didn't want to go anywhere right now either. They watched the last light disappear together, watched the first stars show off their silvery light, "Kakashi?" 

"Hmmm?" 

"I should go home…" 

"You could stay…?" 

Iruka snorted, pulling free of the older man's embrace, "I kind of doubt Shikamaru's going to like that very much." 

The silver-haired man regarded him with a serious look, "You're just as important to me, Ruka. Different _kind_ of important, but just as much." 

"I know…" The brunette sighed, "You just don't need that kind of trouble right now, Kakashi. To Shikamaru, I'm still Iruka- _sensei._ With all kinds of wonderful things attached to that. I don't think I'm ready for him to see me in the early morning yet," Winking, he turned to leave. Smiling softly as Kakashi's voice followed him. 

"Alright. Thank you for everything, my friend… Good night, Ruka…" 

"Good night, Kashi."


	16. I Really Don't Mind, Kakashi

AUTHORS NOTE: So… This is different. This side note doesn't actually connect to any of the written chapters – it takes place long before Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives starts up. Long before Shikamaru tells Kakashi about his crush on Asuma, long before _anyone_ knew Kakashi Hatake's gay.  
The whole thing is Iruka's POV, and it shows how the sensei's helps his best friend through one of life's deep, dark tunnels. These are the days that no-one actually knows what's bothering the guy, and I can't help but feel sorry for Iruka. I seriously can't. Oh and Paccun, I feel terribly sorry for Paccun – even though I find this _so_ funny xD 

Thank you Mswan for managing to keep up with my hectic pace – and _still_ managing to do such an _amazing_ job on the Beta's. Seriously people, start sending her flowers or chocolates and stuff because she _so_ deserves it.  
 **Aww, thanks! But it' s all true, every word. And I'll take chocolate, flowers and money! :)  
** _I'm seriously leaving my Beta's note in here – too darned funny ;) Though… Money? Sorry Sweetheart, can't do that. I'll just give cuddles and kisses then ^.^  
_

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to the facts about the friendship between Kakashi Hatake and Iruka Umino._  
Drabble title: I Really Don't Mind, Kakashi

XOXOX

Iruka rushed through the bustling streets, hardly paying attention to the people around him.  
 _Kakashi… I left you alone for too long, I'm sorry! I know you can't really be left alone right now, I'm so,_ _ **so**_ _sorry! It's just that Gai had to leave early this morning, and I had this annoying meeting with the other sensei… I'm sorry, my friend. I'll be there in a few minutes, just hold on a_ _ **little**_ _longer…  
_

Taking the stairs two or even three steps at a time, his fingers already searched for his keychain in the pocket of his flack vest. As he reached his best friend's door, Iruka had no choice but to stop his break-neck rush and slowly turn the lock. The lock was so old that you had to jiggle the key _just_ right, and you couldn't hurry. Taking a deep breath, he steadied his trembling hand, silently praying that the lock would turn on the first try this time. Not like yesterday, when he'd fiddled with the darned thing for almost five minutes before the door finally opened.  
 _Please be okay in there…  
_

The door opened on his second try, and Iruka quickly shed his sandals, hung his flack vest on the doorknob. He forced himself to calm down, walk in an unhurried pace. It wouldn't do to transfer his anxiety on the one person that he needed to be calm. Above all else, Kakashi needed to be calm right now. 

Walking into the bedroom, Iruka forced a warm smile on his face, a soft tone in his voice, "Hey Kashi." 

The man on the bed looked up at him, his eye empty, lifeless. Iruka suppressed a sigh. Kakashi sat on the edge of the bed, legs crossed, shoulders hunched. Curling into himself as best he could. 

"Ruka…" His voice was a mere whisper, hoarse. Still, it didn't seem like he really recognized him. Swallowing against the tears that threatened to appear, Iruka sat down beside his best friend. 

"I'm here, Kashi. I'm with you. Don't worry about anything, okay? I'm here with you." 

A small nod, and the taller man leaned over a little, resting his body against Iruka's. Quiet sobs shook the silver-haired man, and Iruka immediately wrapped an arm around him, "I'm here, I got you. Just let it all out, Kashi." 

They just sat there, for how long Iruka didn't know. It didn't really matter anyway. All that mattered right now was that Kakashi was safe. He was crying, but at least he wasn't doing anything to hurt himself, at least he was showing emotions. Well, _one_ emotion. But that was still more than he'd come to expect after leaving the man alone in his depressed state.  
 _God I wish I could just take the day off work when he's like this. But then I'd have to explain why and I can't tell them the truth. Can't feign illness or training injury either, because someone would come to check up on me… Usually, Gai's here so it's sort of okay. But this is the first time he's_ _ **not**_ _here and I'm quickly realizing that I honestly can't do this alone…  
_

"Kashi," Though the crying had stopped some time ago, Iruka still kept his tone as soft as he could possibly manage, "Did you eat yet, Kashi?" 

A small shake of silver hair was his only answer, repeated when he asked if Kakashi'd drunk anything since he'd left. Iruka suppressed another sigh, eyeing the teacup that he'd put on the desk before leaving. It was still full, "Do you want me to get you something?" 

Another small shake, and Iruka could feel himself start to lose hope again, "Kashi, you really need to drink something at least." 

"No… I don't want to…" 

"Why not?" He already knew the answer he was going to get, but somehow Iruka could never resist asking; Maybe this time the answer would be different after all. 

"I want it all to stop, Ruka…" 

Slowly closing his eyes, the younger man realized he'd been too hopeful once again. Still… "What do you want to stop, Kashi?" 

"Everything… I don't want to anymore…" 

"What don't you want, Kashi?" Swallowing, he silently prayed that _somehow_ the answer to _this_ question would be different at least. 

"Living…" 

_It's not, then. He's going down_ _ **that**_ _road again…  
_ "Why? At least tell me that much, Kashi…"  
 _Please… Because I've been taking care of you like this for years now, and I_ _ **still**_ _don't really know. Oh, I know all the stuff that everyone should be able to figure out, and a couple of other things as well, but… I just can't seem to escape the thought that there is something huge that you're not telling me, not telling Gai…  
_

"It's no use, Ruka… I don't want to try anymore…" 

"Why not?" Hugging the man a little tighter, he tried to ignore how Kakashi trembled against him. 

"Too hard…" 

"I'm here with you, Kashi. And Gai is here for you too." 

Suddenly, Kakashi pushed himself away from the younger man, anger flaring in his eye, "No. He's not. _Liar._ " 

"I'm not lying to you, Kashi," Still, he tried for that soothing tone, "Gai just had to leave for a little while, but he's coming back –" 

"You don't _know_ that!" Desperation was clear in the man's voice, and he pushed himself as far away from Iruka as the bed would allow. 

_Okay, that's three emotions. We're getting there…  
_ "Gai is coming back, Kashi. I give you my word."  
 _Please don't prove me a liar, Gai. He'd never forgive me if you don't make it back this time…  
_

"You don't _know_ that.." Whispering, he curled himself up again, pushed in the corner between the wall and the window, "They _never_ come back…" 

"Gai is. I promise he's coming back, Kashi." 

"Minato-sensei promised he would come back too…" His tone a hoarse whisper, Iruka could hear the tears hidden behind the silver-haired man's arms. 

"Gai isn't Minato-sensei, Kashi," The brunette mentally cringed at the implied badmouthing of the fourth Hokage, but he needed to convince his friend _somehow_ , "Gai keeps his word, you know that. He's coming back." 

"He has to…" 

"He will." 

"If he doesn't…" Looking up at the younger man, Kakashi suddenly wore a harsh expression, "If Gai doesn't come back then you lied to me and I will kill you." 

He sighed, swallowing before he managed to reply, "You do that. I'm not lying, Kashi." 

"I _will_ ," Somehow, to Iruka, the words sounded like a child's threat to start screaming if he didn't get his cookie. It almost made him smile, but at the same time the sensei realized that for all it was worth; Kakashi'd _meant_ it. Making promises to the man when he was like this was always a dangerous game to play, so Iruka decided to change the subject before he inadvertently made even _more_ promises he wasn't sure he could keep. 

"I'm going to get you a glass of water now, and you're going to be a good boy and drink it, aren't you Kakashi?" His tone was a little strict, promising he would be disappointed if the older man didn't comply. Usually, just implying that he might be disappointed in him would carry Iruka through most of Kakashi's moods. As the silver-haired man nodded quietly, he was relieved to find that it would work this time as well. 

So he got up, walking over to the kitchen. Filling the large glass he'd specifically bought for occasions like these before doubling back to the bedroom. Kakashi was once again sitting on the edge of the bed, trembling lightly. Sitting down next to him, Iruka gently pried the copy ninja's hands away from his face before softly pulling the mask down. Holding up the glass, he cocked his head to the side, "Are you going to drink it yourself or do you need me to help you?" 

The older man clearly pouted, looking at the glass in Iruka's hand, "I'll drink it…" Taking the glass, he just stared at it dejectedly for a few seconds before setting it to his lips, taking the smallest of sips. 

"Good…" The brunette coaxed, "Now take another…" 

Moving the glass back up, the older man suddenly froze, frowning, "I don't want to." 

Iruka bit his cheek, dealing with Kakashi was so _exhausting_ sometimes, "But you're _going_ to, right Kakashi?" 

A few moments of silence were followed by a curt, "No." 

"I'm going to be _very_ disappointed if you don't drink the entire thing, Kakashi. I may even get _angry,_ " He threatened, hating himself for every word he spoke. 

Another handful of seconds passed as the older man processed Iruka's words. Then, suddenly, he tipped back the glass. Looking over at Iruka a little worriedly, his voice came out very tiny, "Ruka not angry now?" 

"No," Taking care to make his voice sound warm and gentle once more, he took the glass from a violently shaking hand, "I'm not angry, Kashi." 

He nodded, relaxing just a little bit. The violent shaking diminished to a light trembling again, and Kakashi let out a small sigh. It almost sounded a little content and it made Iruka wonder what was going on inside his friend's head for the umpteenth time. But Kakashi would probably never tell him – Iruka was actually pretty sure by now that the man didn't even really _know._ There was _something_ , but every time he tried to ask about it, Kakashi would either try to avoid answering the question, or dissolve into a state similar to this one. So Iruka'd just given up. No need to hurt the man even more. 

"Are you going to eat something, Kakashi?" 

"No." 

Slowly closing his eyes for a moment, Iruka mentally prepared himself for yet another battle, "I want you to eat, Kashi." 

The silver-haired man shrugged a little, looking down at the floor with a glum expression on his face. 

"I mean it." 

Another shrug, accompanied by a small frown. 

"You know I don't like it when you don't answer me, Kakashi," His tone turning strict again, Iruka silently thanked the slew of obstinate children who'd accidentally taught him how to turn the 'sensei voice' on and off again at a moment's notice. 

Kakashi pouted, staring down at the floor. He wrapped his arms around himself, hugging his body so tight that Iruka was sure there were going to be bruises later. But it wouldn't be the first time, and at least bruises from _hugging_ weren't necessarily a bad thing. Kakashi frowned again, it looked like he was trying to find the right words, so Iruka just waited a little longer. Eventually, the silver-haired man whispered, "I'm not hungry, Ruka… Please don't be angry, I'm not hungry…" 

"I still want you to try, Kashi," Once again, his tone was soft. But there was a hint of sternness in there that he knew the older man would pick up on. 

The frown on Kakashi's brow deepened, and a single tear fell down his cheek as he suddenly looked up at Iruka, his body tensing up again, "Why won't you just let me give up?!" 

He forced himself to stay calm, forced himself to not show any reaction. Forced his voice to come out steady, "Because I care about you, Kashi. I'll never let you give up because I _care_ about you." 

"Liar…" He was whispering again, looking away. 

"I've never lied to you, Kashi. And I'm not starting today."  
 _Actually, that's not true. I lie to you every time I tell you I'm disappointed, every time I tell you I'm angry. Every time I tell you that everything is going to be okay again. I lie to you when I say I don't mind sticking around when you're like this even though it hurts so much to see you like this, I lie to you when you ask me if I'm okay. I lie to you all throughout this process that we go through every eight to ten months or so. But I would never lie about caring about you. You're my best friend, my brother. Even if right now, you're nothing but a broken mess. Even if right now, you don't even want to live._ _ **I**_ _want you to live, because I can't live without you anymore. You're the closest thing to family I have, and I'll_ _ **never**_ _allow you to just give up!_

Kakashi remained silent for several minutes, but Iruka didn't push. Eventually his friend would speak again, and whichever words would fall from the man's lips, Iruka would go from there. 

"Can I just eat a little bit?" Still not looking at Iruka, the silver-haired man's voice came out small once again. Pleading with the brunette. 

Nodding softly, he tenderly placed a hand on Kakashi's leg, "Just a little bit is okay. But you're going to eat everything I give you, alright Kakashi?" 

The man's breathing picked up, until he was almost hyperventilating. Iruka just waited it out. A few minutes later, Kakashi managed to calm himself down enough, his tone whiney as he spoke, though he still did not look up, "You always give too _much_ …" 

_No I don't. I barely give you enough to survive… Ten bites isn't much for a grown man, Kakashi…  
_ "You'll just have to deal with that. Now, how about we go to the kitchen and I see what I can make for you?" 

As Kakashi nodded glumly, Iruka took the older man's hand, gently pulling him up and with him to the kitchen. He tenderly pushed the man in one of the kitchen chairs, turning to see what food the kitchen held today. Kakashi'd only gone down yesterday, so there _should_ be enough still. Every couple of seconds, he threw a look over his shoulder, making sure that Kakashi was still sitting in his chair, that the man wasn't suddenly holding a knife again. It'd happened before, and getting that huge knife away from his friend was one of the scariest things he'd ever had to do. Kakashi was still a _jounin_ after all, broken down or not. He was much faster than him, much stronger too. And that time, the older man had been hell-bent on slitting his own wrists. Iruka hoped he would _never_ have to go through something like that again. 

Checking the fridge, Iruka smiled a little: Fresh vegetables. Quickly checking to see which ones were nearing 'expired' he decided to keep it simple and just serve some steamed vegetables over white rice. At least there would be some vitamins in there, and he wasn't about to bother Kakashi with anything that would be hard to digest. 

Glancing over his shoulder a little worriedly, Iruka grabbed a knife out of the drawer. Kakashi still hadn't moved, slumped down in the chair as he studied a spot on the floor.  
 _Thank god. It seems like I won't have to deal with his self-destruction today…  
_

Iruka worked quickly, wanting to get the food ready before Kakashi tried to wiggle his way out of dinner again. He paid close attention to where he put everything down, making sure the knife was back in the drawer as soon as possible, that there wasn't anything within Kakashi's reach that could possibly be deemed a weapon. Although to be honest: To a jounin, _everything_ was a possible weapon. 

When he placed the food in front of Kakashi, the older man pulled a face, "I'm not _hungry_ …" 

Iruka sighed, sitting down across the table he could feel his patience wearing thin, "Tough luck. Eat." 

" _Rukaaa…._ " The brunette bit his cheek to control himself, Kakashi's whiney tone was definitely starting to grate on his nerves, "It's too _much_ …" 

"No it's not. Now eat," Picking up his own chopsticks, Iruka decided to just lead by example and hope that Kakashi would follow his lead.  
 _I do_ _ **not**_ _want to have to force-feed you again… I'm too tired to deal with your shit right now, Kakashi. Please just eat… I know I have to hold down the fort until Gai comes back, but I seriously can't_ _ **wait**_ _to see that guy again… And to think I always used to think Gai was one of the most annoying people alive! Now I'm just hoping for him to hurry up already…  
_

A small sigh escaped the sensei as Kakashi picked up his chopsticks. Although he had to keep reminding the man to eat, there were no more complaints. And as Kakashi swallowed the last bite, Iruka made sure to compliment him on that before quickly polishing off his own meal. 

After washing the dishes and putting everything back in its proper place, he took Kakashi by the hand again, guiding him back to the bedroom. After gently pushing the man to sit on the bed once more, Iruka sank down beside him. The older man immediately leaned against him, arms tightly wrapping themselves around Iruka's body. He didn't mind, Kakashi would never intentionally hurt him, and the man clearly needed the small comfort found in the simple touch. So Iruka wiggled his arm out from between the two of them, throwing it around his friend in order to return the hug. Experience had taught him that this could take a while, so he just relaxed, calmly waiting for Kakashi to decide he'd had enough.

Outside, the sky grew ever darker. Inside, the lamp warded off the darkness. Kakashi's breathing was even, his heart beat slow and steady. Iruka almost began to wonder if his friend had fallen asleep, but just as he decided to lean over a little and check, the silver-haired man spoke. His voice quiet but clear in the silence of the room, "Ruka… Thank you." 

He smiled lightly, "You're more than welcome, Kashi."  
 _He's coming back again! Thank goodness…  
_

"Ruka…" There was a pause as the man tried to find the words that would express his thoughts. Iruka waited calmly, even if Kakashi was on the mend again, it would still take a while before he was completely up to speed once more, "Ruka, I… Why don't you hate me?" 

_Okay… Maybe not really out of the woods yet… Just a fleeting moment of clarity – Gosh, I hate those…  
_ "How could I ever hate you, Kashi? You're my best friend." 

"You're here again…" 

Iruka nodded, "Yes, I'm here. I'm here because I _don't_ hate you. I'm here because you're the closest thing I have to family. I'm here because I love you." 

Suddenly, Kakashi chuckled. It was barely there, but Iruka knew he wasn't imagining it. The arms around him tightened for a brief moment, and the older man mumbled something that he could just about make out, "My little brother." 

" _Exactly_. See? Where else would I be?" 

Letting go of him, Kakashi pulled up the mask, staring out the window as he spoke, "That cute girl from the bakery…" 

"What?" Despite trying not to, Iruka chuckled, "Mai? _Hell_ no. She _may_ be cute Kakashi, but I'm not interested!" 

He only shrugged, falling into another long silence. After a minute or so, a light frown settled on the sensei's brow.  
 _Did I mess up? What did I say? He's the one that started talking about girls, isn't he? What did I do wrong? Oh boy, please don't go back to that dark place, Kashi! I don't like it there, and you always manage to drag me with you just a little. I seriously don't even know what I did wrong here…  
_

Ten minutes later, Kakashi still hadn't moved, still hadn't spoken.  
 _I'm not sure what to do at this point. Force him to talk to me again? Or would it be better to just leave him be for a little while longer? He doesn't look like he's doing too bad, but at the same time you never really know with Kakashi…  
_

Biting his cheek, Iruka pondered his options for a little while, eventually deciding to just act as if nothing had happened, but still urge his friend to look at him again, "Kakashi, I'm a little thirsty, do you want some tea too?" 

Almost a full minute had passed before the silver-haired man answered him, "No…" 

"Water then?" 

"No…" 

"Coffee?"Iruka knew he was starting to sound a little desperate, but he was honestly _getting_ a little desperate.  
 _You have to keep your fluids up, Kakashi…  
_

"I'm not thirsty, Ruka… You go get some tea, I don't really care…" 

Taking a deep breath, Iruka forced his frown back, "I do. I care about you. Do you care about me too, Kashi?" 

"Of course…" 

"Then choose something to drink. And drink the whole glass, okay? For me?" 

A deep sigh, "For Ruka…" 

"Thank you," He smiled, even though Kakashi couldn't see it, the man would be able to hear it in his voice, "What would you like to drink, Kashi?" 

Another silence dragged on. He was starting to get increasingly sure that Kakashi'd forgotten the question – it wouldn't be the first time, "Kakashi, what are you going to drink?" 

"What Ruka has?" A little insecure, he looked back at him, "Kashi drinks what Ruka drinks?" 

Conjuring up a warm smile, the younger man nodded, "Alright. I will be right back, okay?" He waited until Kakashi nodded before getting up, humming a soothing tune. He would keep humming until he returned to the bedroom, just to let Kakashi know he was still here, that he hadn't left him. It had been an instinctual reaction the first time, but when he realized that it helped to keep his friend calm and grounded, Iruka'd decided to keep it up. 

Walking over to the kitchen, he allowed himself a short moment to just rest his head against the doorframe.  
 _He's back to baby talk… 'Kashi drinks what Ruka drinks…'It'd be cute if he wasn't a good four years older than me, if he wasn't a grown man. If he was_ _ **faking**_ _this. But he's not, is he? Kakashi's going back to a time when things were alright, a time when he didn't hurt all the time. Part of me wishes I didn't have to drag him back to reality…  
_

After filling the kettle and setting two cups out, Iruka returned to the bedroom. A little anxious, as he wasn't entirely sure what Kakashi was up to right now. All this time, he'd kept humming, but there had been no sound from the bedroom at all. Not that that was so unusual, but still. Rounding the corner, Iruka had to remind himself to breathe.  
 _I'm quite sure he's not trying to hang himself again… Last time he got too frustrated with the lack of a place to tie the rope on. Besides, there's no weapons there, Gai checked. He never misses anything, so relax. Relax. Breathe. Relax.  
_

"Ruka!" Sitting cross-legged on the bed, the silver-haired man looked up, a joyous tone in his voice. 

"Eh… Hey Kashi," Smiling a little, Iruka waved at him.  
 _Okay… So this is new…_

"Ruka, Ruka, Ruka," Jumping up, the older man all but skipped over to him, hugging him tight. 

_Eh… This would be around… Five years old? Right, so… We're just going to go with it, I guess…  
_ Hugging back, Iruka gently maneuvered the both of them back to the bed, pushing Kakashi down before sitting down as well.

"Ruka, look!" Kakashi's hands moved too quick to really _see,_ but he was _definitely_ forming the seals for some kind of jutsu. Iruka's eyes widened, and made sure to be on guard. But when a little 'poof' announced the arrival of Paccun, Iruka calmed down again. 

"Yes Kashi, I see. Very good!" Leaning over to the little pug, he whispered, "Go with it, will you?" 

"Go with _what_?" Frowning, he jumped on Kakashi's lap, letting out a small squeal when his little body was all but crushed by Kakashi's 'loving' hug, "Hey, Iruka! Help me out here!" 

But the sensei could only blink, trying to contain his laughter. The little pug had been lifted of Kakashi's lap, his back pressed up against his master's chest. Strong arms were wrapped around Paccun's belly, all but squeezing the life out of the summon. Short legs panicky, wiggling about. 

"Make him let go or I'm _leaving!_ " 

_Right… Calm down Iruka. This isn't exactly comfortable for poor Paccun…  
_ "Kakashi," His voice a little strict, "You're _hurting_ him like this," Coaxing, he added, "Now let the doggie go…" 

The scowl he received from the pug at the mention of 'doggie' was well worth it. Even though Paccun was in a contract with his best friend, the pug would often annoy the living daylights out of the sensei. Digging around in his bed sheets, destroying books. Swearing in front of the kids. 'Doggie' was revenge, simple as that. And it _did_ work, Kakashi loosened his hold on the poor, panting summon. His one eye opened wide, looking innocent like a child's, "Is Paccun. He's _mine_ …" 

"I know, lucky you," Smiling brightly, Iruka got up, "I hear the kettle, Kashi. So I'm going to make our tea now, okay? You try not to hurt Paccun again," Walking away, Iruka couldn't hold back a snicker at the summon's desperate cry. 

"Don't leave me _alone_ with him!" 

Though he was pretty sure now that everything would be fine if he was gone a little while, Iruka still hurried. It would be cruel to Paccun to just take his time now. After filling the cups though, he reached into the fridge real quick, pulling out a slice of ham. Picking up the cups, he walked back to the bedroom. 

Kakashi was teasing the pug, tickling him. All the while asking if Paccun was ticklish. It made Iruka giggle a little, earning him another scornful look from the summon. 

Setting the cups down on the desk, Iruka turned to the pair on the bed, "Kashi, why don't you give this to the little doggie? I'm sure he'd like it very much," Beaming at Paccun, he handed over the treat. Clearly undecided between accepting the treat and telling the sensei off, Paccun frowned a little, but in the end he apparently decided to play 'good doggie', even giving Kakashi a paw before devouring the slice of ham. After that however, he told Iruka he was on his own again before disappearing in a puff of smoke. Kakashi pouted, but Iruka quickly distracted him with the tea. Handing the silver-haired man one cup and taking the other before sitting down on the bed again. 

Kakashi frowned, "Ruka… I'm not thirsty…" 

_And so he's back to being the whiney version again…  
_ He almost sighed, "You promised me you'd drink it, Kakashi." 

His head shot up, an incredulous look on the older man's face, "I did?" 

"Yes, if I gave you the same thing I had, you said you would drink it. And I have tea too, see?" Holding up his own cup, he made a mock toast, "To teatime, right Kakashi?" 

Blinking, he stared before raising his own cup, his tone dejected, "To teatime…" 

So they toasted, blew on the hot tea and drank together. Kakashi didn't say another word the whole time, but at least he seemed to cheer up just a little. Iruka kept telling him funny stories – anything he could think of. The kids at work, a funny mix-up at the doctor's office, a scene he'd witnessed in the store _– anything_. Anything and everything in hopes of making Kakashi smile once more. Even a slight twitch of lips was something worth celebrating. 

It was working though, even _if_ he'd run out of new stories to tell about an hour ago and was now simply recycling them. Kakashi didn't really notice anyway. His attention span was about five minutes at best, but it didn't matter. There was just a little more _life_ in the guy. Iruka would do just about anything for that, and repeating himself was something he was used to anyway. Had to be, working with children. 

Eventually though, his hoarse voice stopped working entirely. Outside, the moon was slowly being overtaken by the first rays of sunlight. And when Kakashi suddenly yawned, Iruka decided that enough was enough. Forcing his voice to work just a _little_ longer, he gave his friend a warm smile, "Kashi, time for bed." 

"I don't want to…" 

_As expected…  
_ "Why not?" 

"The dreams will come back… Please Ruka, don't make me sleep…" A single tear formed in that one grey eye, and Iruka felt his heart break for what must be the millionth time. 

"I'll stay here, Kashi. You just go to sleep and when the bad dreams come, I will wake you up." 

"Promise?" He sounded so scared, so utterly terrified. 

Iruka sighed softly, resigning himself to a night on Kakashi's spare futon. Doing just about anything _but_ sleeping.  
 _Thank god tomorrow's Saturday. Wait,_ _ **today**_ _is Saturday.  
_ "I promise," Gently pushing the older man down, he pulled up the sheets. 

"Ruka stays?" 

"I'm staying, yes," Automatically correcting the man's grammar, he smiled a little.  
 _I should really learn how to turn 'Iruka-sensei' off sometimes…_

"Ruka stays _here_?" 

"Yes, Kashi. I'm going to grab the futon from under your bed and stay right here, okay?" 

Suddenly, he frowned, " _No!_ " Quickly sitting up, Kakashi wrapped his arms around the younger man's waist, pulling him back to lay next to him. Reaching out, he pulled the blanket over both of them, a content smile on his face, "Ruka stays _here_." 

Chuckling a little, he softly shook his head, "Alright… I'll stay right here, Kashi."  
 _Well… There's a first time for everything, isn't there?  
_

As Kakashi snuggled up to him a little more, Iruka pulled a little face.  
 _Right… Two grown men snuggling up in a single bed… Nothing wrong with that, I guess. But, eh… This feels a little weird nonetheless…_

But as Kakashi's breathing slowly evened out, Iruka decided that however 'weird' this felt, he would put up with it.  
 _Kakashi obviously feels safer this way, and what's a little awkward touching between friends, right? I'm just going to try and get some sleep, at least when he's holding on to me like this, I won't have to stay awake to ward off the nightmares. If – no,_ _ **when**_ _they come, I will feel it.  
_

Yawning, Iruka closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep… 

XOXOX

Waking up, Iruka slowly became aware of a very unfamiliar feeling. Slowly opening his eyes, he took a few moments to remember where the hell he _was_ in the first place.  
 _Kakashi's. His… Eh…_ _ **Bed.**_ _Right, he was scared last night – well, this morning. And he… Pulled me down next to him. And then he snuggled up to me. Which is why his arms are still around me. And why I can feel his breath against my neck. Gosh, this feels weird. But, eh… Okay, so if his_ _ **arms**_ _are basically around my chest, and his_ _ **head**_ _is resting on my shoulder… I can feel_ _ **one**_ _leg beside me, his knee is kind of poking me but that's not really the issue at hand here… Because… Eh… That's got to be his other leg then, right? Yeah, that's bound to be Kakashi's right leg. And it's, eh…_ _ **Moving**_ _a little… Which, you know, that's fine but, eh… Somehow this is making morning wood feel_ _ **extremely**_ _awkward…  
_

Swallowing, Iruka tried to move, but the older man's hold on him proved too strong. Kakashi only tightened his grip, his sleepy voice mumbling, "Lay still…" 

_Yeah… I don't think so, Kakashi… I know you're not as bad as people think, but right now you're_ _ **totally**_ _rubbing your leg against my dick, and this is not really a good position for me to be in. Eh… That just sounded dirty, didn't it? Good heavens! This has to end before it gets any_ _ **more**_ _embarrassing!  
_ "Kakashi, let go of me please." 

"Hmmm? Ruka…?" 

Sighing, he tried again, that man sounded _way_ too sleepy – somewhere in the back of his head, Iruka wondered if maybe this was all an act after all, " _Kakashi!_ Let. Me. Go. _Now_ please." 

Blinking, Kakashi opened his eyes. Then quickly closed his left eye, "Ruka? What…? Uh…" Blinking once more, he pulled back, all but pressing himself against the wall, "What… What happened, Iruka? I…" Swallowing thickly, he pushed himself up on one elbow, "I did it again, didn't I? That's why you're here? But… But Iruka… This, eh… I mean…" He swallowed again, his tone a sounding a little whiney as the confused man tried to make sense of this unexpected and most likely unwelcome situation, "My _bed_ …" 

Iruka tried to get out of the bed while inconspicuously hiding the effects of Kakashi's deep slumber, but even as he did so, he realized it was to no avail. 

"Iruka…" He chuckled lightly, "You're dragging the blanket with you…" 

"Eh, yeah, eh… Sorry," Quickly throwing the blanket back, he turned on his heels, "I, eh… Gotta hit the can," Swallowing, he moved fast, but Kakashi was faster. 

Grabbing his best friend's wrist, he tugged gently, "Iruka… I, eh… I'm not sure what exactly _happened_ here, but whatever it is, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or anything…" 

"You're not, well… Maybe a little," He conceded softly, still refusing to look at him, to turn his body to face him, "But eh, let go now Kakashi." 

"Wait," Suddenly, Kakashi grinned, pulling a little harder on the sensei's arm. As Iruka saw no choice but to drop back on the bed, Kakashi chuckled again, " _Now_ I get it…" 

"Kakashi… _Please_ …" Bright red, he tried to pull loose, but Kakashi's hand wouldn't budge. 

"Say, eh… Iruka…?" 

" _What?"_

"Eh… Do you… I mean… Are you upset with me for, eh… You know, you sleeping here?" 

The brunette frowned, "No… I'm a little upset about you not letting go of my arm though…" 

"Right… But eh… D'you… I mean… This was bad, right?" 

Sighing, Iruka finally looked at his friend. Kakashi was a little paler than usual, nervously biting his lip, a small frown on his brow, "You're my best friend, Kashi… And you were scared to go to sleep. I don't really mind keeping you company." 

"Right… So, eh… It's not super awkward 'cause it's two guys, right?" 

" _No_ … It's super awkward because you're not letting _go_ of me," Finally pulling his arm free, Iruka made a dash for the bathroom.  
 _What the hell…? What was_ _ **that**_ _all about…?_


	17. Her Touch Does Things To Me

AUTHORS NOTE: We all remember Sakura pulling poor Shino's legs apart and _touching_ him in chapter 79, right? But we never got to see the _aftermath_ of said touch… 

This side note was actually requested by my Beta, Mswan0117. I hope you'll _all_ enjoy it, but mostly hoping that amazing-Beta-person is going have fun with this ^.^ (Oh and by the way, you realize that if you leave a comment here, I'm gonna keep that in, right Mswan?)  
 **I'm real excited about this one. Not your usual 'thing', I know, but I can't wait! Ready? Here we go!**

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to Chapter 79: That Just Happened Right?  
_ Drabble title: Her Touch… _Does_ Things To Me…

XOXOX

He swallowed, eyes searching her face as she sat on her knees before him, her warm hands placed over his own knees. Shino was feeling very unhappy with the way this conversation was going, but he saw no way out. When Sakura opened her mouth to speak once more, they young Aburame inwardly cringed in anticipation of more embarrassment. 

"Still… Can't you just… _Tell_ me about it? When you… You _know_?" 

He took a steadying breath, reminding himself to remain calm and _explain_ this to the girl. She just didn't really know what she was talking about, after all, "I believe I cannot, Sakura. Why? Because no matter how _you_ might feel about the term 'lady', I _am_ a gentleman." 

He watched her frown and a slight frown settled on his own brow as well.  
 _What is Sakura thinking? Mostly, I like the fact that she is so unpredictable, but right now I believe I might very well be willing to give up my left arm just to know what she is thinking. Because whatever it is, I have a feeling that this conversation is about to turn really bad for me…_

" _Fine_ ," The girl huffed, "Then I'll just have to figure it out _myself_ ," And before Shino even had the time to process those startling words, he felt his knees being pulled apart, felt one slim hand bear down on his most private of places. 

'Startled' wouldn't even _begin_ to describe how he felt right now. Try 'shocked' or 'scared' or even ' _violated_ '. Although, 'angry' would fit pretty nicely too. No wait, ' _furious_ '. 

Gasping, he moved back as far as his legs allowed him, sliding his ass over the grass, " _Sakura!_ " 

He felt his cheeks burn, his entire body trembling. Panting heavily, Shino stared at the girl that he loved so much, unable to comprehend how, but even more, _why_ Sakura had come up with the idea to place her hand on him like that. He shivered, remembering her touch but willing his body, his mind and his soul to forget about that.

 _This is wrong. This is very wrong. She should not be touching me there! It is a private place! She should not touch it! She touched me! I felt her! This is so wrong! But… Why does it feel so right at the same time…? No, I am not allowed to think like that! I am a gentleman! Gentlemen do not let ladies touch them like that! Ladies don't touch you like that! She is no lady... I know that! I know that she is not! Oh, why did I have to fall in love with someone who cannot be described as a lady, no matter how loosely one uses the term?! Why? She touched me! Why would she_ _ **do**_ _that?!  
_

Tears burned in his eyes as he moved back a little further still, swallowing hard at the look of devastation on Sakura's face, "Sakura," His voice trembled, his body shook, "Please do not do that again," He tried _so_ hard to sound calm, to deny the emotions surging through his body, flooding his overtaxed mind, "I am a _gentleman_. Even if you are not a lady, please respect _that_ much at least…" 

She bit her lip, crawling towards him on hands and knees, her eyes even bigger than usual, "Shino…" 

Instinctively, he retreated even further, feeling his back press up against the trunk of a tree, "Please do not come closer, Sakura. I beg you." 

She stopped moving, sitting back on her knees, "I honestly didn't mean to hurt you, Shino." 

He swallowed hard, "You did not. However, this is what is called 'unacceptable behavior', Sakura. _Please_ …" 

"Shino…" 

Tears welled up in her eyes, hands rising to cover her lips. He couldn't leave it like this, but at the same time there wasn't anything he could do. Shino was positively scared right now. Scared of his own body, of how it had reacted to her touch.  
 _'You can't really train your body to show proper etiquette, Shino!' Yes, she is right. I cannot. However, I_ _ **can**_ _make sure that this situation_ _ **never**_ _occurs again._

"Please leave me alone, Sakura. I cannot be around you right now."  
 _It makes me want you to touch me again. And that is very wrong, Sakura. Please leave me alone now.  
_

She was crying now, hands covering her face. The boy sat frozen, though his body still trembled uncontrollably. Shino swallowed hard, willing his body to calm down. 

"I am not angry with you, Sakura," _That might not actually be_ _ **true**_ _, though…_ "I am simply… Startled."  
 _Well,_ _ **that**_ _is clearly an understatement…_

Looking up, Sakura's expression suddenly turned harsh, and the pinkette leaped to her feet, "Well, if you'd just _tell_ me things, I wouldn't _have_ to resort to other measures!" 

Frowning, he looked up at her, and incredulous look on his face, "Other measures, Sakura? _Assaulting me_ is what you call other _measures?!"  
_

"Oh _please,_ " Sakura scoffed, "Just because _you're_ so uptight all of the time –!" 

"And what if I am, Sakura? You knew that long before you kissed me! Like you knew of my feelings for you and still refused to stop _touching_ me!" 

She crossed her arms, muttering, "I already apologized for that, Shino. Are you going to bring that up _again_? Because if so, _I_ have a couple of things to add to the list as well!" 

Shino sighed, scrambling to get up. He rested his body against the tree behind him as his legs still shook too much to support his own weight, "No Sakura, I am sorry. That was mean of me and I truly am sorry for dragging past events back up. However, right now… I honestly need to be alone for a little while, Sakura. I love you, I do. But…" He smirked sarcastically, motioning to his own trembling legs, "I am shaken. I am only a teenager, Sakura. Not even a man. I do not know how to _handle_ this situation. Please… Allow me time to gather my thoughts once more." 

He watched her swallow, watched her body slump ever so slightly. Watched her brush a stray strand of pink hair behind her ear. Heard her soft sigh, "Alright Shino. I'm _sorry_ , Shino. I-I didn't mean to… To, eh…" 

He took a steadying breath, "I know. Apology accepted, Sakura." 

She nodded at him one more time, turning to leave, "Can we still have dinner later?" 

Slowly closing his eyes, Shino pondered the question for a second. Calculated how much time he would have to gather himself if he granted her request. He _wanted_ to though, so he would just have to make it work, "A little later perhaps? I can pick you up at eight?" 

"Alright, I'll be at the library until then. If you want to see me before…" Her voice trailed off, and this time Sakura turned away from him completely, walking away. 

_I am sorry, Sakura. I do not think I will be able to face you sooner. I am not even sure if I will be able to put this behind me before eight o'clock tonight…_


	18. Hungry For You

AUTHORS NOTE: So… Apparently, the chapter ended in a cliffhanger. This, because it was technically unfinished when I sent it off to my amazing Beta… Who scolded me for the umpteenth cliffhanger… And, I kinda liked that. So… I didn't wanna put it in there after all. But my chapter count didn't allow me to add another chapter for this, so it became a side note ^.^ 

Technically… My beta is responsible for the existence of _this_ side note too… Mswan0117, I hope you're gonna like this one… Thank you for the Beta, though. And for turning the word 'swallow' into a sort of running gag… xD 

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to Chapter 87: Dinner  
_ Drabble title: Hungry For You 

XOXOX

Shikamaru swallowed, feeling his cheeks start to burn. The fingers of his left hand started tracing little circles on his lover's chest, "No… Well, I guess the sexy thing to say here is 'hungry for you,' but… I thought I kinda wanted to try something here…" 

"Like what?" 

It took the Nara some time to reply, his fingers softly wandering across Kakashi's chest. The man calmly waited, he knew his young lover needed a little time to speak certain words out loud – he couldn't help it, he still thought it was cute. Though he really _was_ getting a little curious… 

Finally though, Shikamaru smirked, still following his fingers with his gaze, "Your cock in my mouth…" 

Kakashi blinked but then couldn't suppress a dirty smirk, "Really now?" 

Shikamaru sat up, straddling his lover and pushing him down on his back, "Really now." 

But the silver-haired man sighed softly, gently taking hold of his lover's trembling hands resting on his shoulders, "Cuteness, there's no pressure. You know that, right?" 

Swallowing, the Nara looked away for a second, "I know… But I can still be a little nervous about something that I _want_ , can't I?" 

"You can."  
 _And you're definitely_ _ **not**_ _the only one wanting this, Shikamaru… Only, I've never actually had to be someone's first time with this. Which is making_ _ **me**_ _a little nervous. What if you don't like it? I mean, that's fine, I guess. I'll live with that – I've_ _ **been**_ _living with that for years already. I can do that much. But I'm not really sure how I'm going to react if you just… Stop. Or if you're horrible at this. I don't even really know which would be worse, here…_ _  
_

Shikamaru swallowed.  
 _Wait, I shouldn't be swallowing, right? Eh… Not yet at least. I mean… When Kakashi does this, it's always like… Wet, right? So… I probably shouldn't swallow…  
_

He swallowed again.  
 _Damn! What did I just say?_ _ **No swallowing!**_ _Damnit! Okay… But, how do I do this? What does_ _ **he**_ _do again…?  
_

Kakashi tried to stay calm, watching his boyfriend's slightly unsettling expression.  
 _Okay… So I'm not sure if he's psyching himself out of it, or if he's about to puke… Either way, that's pretty bad, huh? I don't think I really like where this is going right now. It's not like I'm scared he's going to hurt my pride or anything – oh, who am I kidding? I_ _ **so**_ _am…  
_ Swallowing nervously, he opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by Shikamaru's words. 

"Babe… Don't freak out, okay? You're not exactly _helping_ here…" 

"Ah… Yeah, I'm really sorry about that Cuteness, but you're getting paler by the second here and no offense but, eh… That's not exactly helping _me_ …" 

"Huh?" Puzzled, the young man regarded his lover with a quizzical look. 

An embarrassed little smile crept across Kakashi's face, "You're saying you want to go down on me, which is… Well, you know, _great._ But… Eh… Usually that's not exactly the face you want the guy saying stuff like that to be making…" 

Shikamaru blinked, looking utterly confused. 

"See, eh… I _do_ have _some_ pride left, you know?" Nervously biting his lip, Kakashi tried to get himself back under control. 

Suddenly, the Nara chuckled, " _Dude!_ I'm not – Oh my god… Don't tell me _you're_ getting nervous!" 

"Eh… I should probably stop talking now, huh?" 

An amused smirk on his face, Shikamaru leaned over to place a quick kiss on Kakashi's lips, "Nope," Laying down on his lover's chest, he chuckled lightly, "You could start by telling me what you want. You said you could be _very_ descriptive when you feel the need to, right?" 

"Eh… Yes? But eh… I'm not really sure I feel the need to?" Unsure what Shikamaru even _wanted_ from him right now, the silver-haired man swallowed once more. 

Chuckling again, Shikamaru pushed himself up on his elbows, his lips all but touching his lover's, "Babe, chill out okay? You should know by now that I never decide to do anything before thinking about it first. I decided I wanted to do this years ago, decided I wanted to do this with _you_ the first time you did it for _me._ Only then I got all anxious and scared and stupid so nothing happened. But then everything turned out good and…" He pulled a face, suddenly whining, " _You're_ just too _good_ , okay? I can never match up…" 

Blinking, he wrapped his arms around the Nara, "You're anxious because you think you won't be good enough?" 

Burying his face in the crook of the older man's neck, Shikamaru nodded, "Uhuh…" 

"Cuteness…" He chuckled lightly, "You're such a perfectionist, aren't you?" 

"So…?" 

"Nothing, it's just…" Another light chuckle shook the man, " _Cute_." 

Pulling a face, Shikamaru pushed himself up again before sliding down, placing a few light kisses along the way. Positioning himself between his lover's legs he looked up one more time, "You know the only reason you can call me that is because you're just about the cutest damn thing I ever saw, right?" 

Kakashi blinked, pushing himself up on his elbows to deliver some kind of quip – though he had _no_ idea what to say – but instead of words, a low moan escaped him. 

Shikamaru smirked, running his tongue up his boyfriend's shaft one more time. A quick glance up taught him that Kakashi was gripping the sheets tight, head fallen back as he moaned again. 

Kakashi tried to take a steadying breath, not that it was actually _working_ , but still. Lifting his head, he found Shikamaru looking at him, amusement hidden deep in lust clouded, dark eyes. The Nara smirked at him before dipping his head down again and Kakashi all but shivered as he felt soft lips place light kisses all over.  
 _Was he seriously worried about not being_ _ **good**_ _enough? Damn… I'll never doubt him again…  
_

_Okay… Never had my face so close to a dick before… But this is_ _ **Kakashi**_ _, the only person in the world that makes me feel completely safe. Well, apart from Choji, that is.  
_ A sharp pain shot through the young man's heart, but he decided to ignore it for now. 

_Soon Choji, I'll talk to you soon. Right now, I just… Can't. I'll explain everything in time, and I'll grovel for forgiveness if need be, but right now… I have to keep my distance. Right now, I have something else to think about. Something that's like seriously_ _ **this**_ _close to my face. It's a little weird, doing this… But… He's liking it, isn't he? Sure seems like it. But this is just… Just kisses, not the real thing. And the real thing… Is kind of scary… I don't think I ever realized just how_ _ **big**_ _this actually is… Certainly didn't consider that when I lay awake at night, thinking about all the things I_ _ **wanted**_ _to do but would probably never experience. It was a pretty long list back then, but I've crossed off over half of it by now. In just so little time, I got to experience_ _ **so**_ _much. And it's all because of Kakashi. It's all because he's so fucking amazing – and an amazing fucker,_ _ **not**_ _unimportant.  
_

Almost chuckling, he looked up for a moment. Kakashi was still propped up on his elbows, looking at him with an expression on his face that Shikamaru found a little hard to place. There was pride in there, and pleasure. But most importantly, there was no more anxiety. Somehow, that helped him calm down a little more, and a smirk formed on his face once more. He hesitated for only a brief moment, but then decided to just go for it, gingerly wrapping his lips around his lover's hot flesh. 

Gasping, Kakashi felt his head roll back, doing his utmost to keep his hips from bucking. Realizing that even though Shikamaru may have taken a huge step here, he would most likely still not appreciate something like that.  
 _Possibly never. Which would get a little difficult for me but at the same time… He's seriously_ _ **doing**_ _this – and he's actually not half bad…  
_

Focusing mostly on trying to replicate the feeling that his lover always gave _him_ , Shikamaru couldn't hold back a small smirk.  
 _Is he seriously trying to… Yeah, he's holding back. You know, I'd_ _ **like**_ _to say 'no need' but what I'm actually_ _ **thinking**_ _here is more like 'thank god'… Is that bad? No, I imagine that's the exact reason he's trying to keep still. This is… A little daunting to say the least. But… He's definitely_ _ **liking**_ _it…  
_

As he slowly felt himself being pushed to the edge, panting, swearing and trembling, Kakashi allowed his body to fall back to the bed. Unable to maintain the coherency to hold his position on his elbows. Almost instinctively, he placed on hand on top of the Nara's head, gently brushing over dark locks as he moaned in pleasure. 

_Woah, what? Please don't – But he's_ _ **not**_ _. He's not pushing me or anything, he's… Stroking me. This is actually kind of nice. Like, he's telling me I'm doing a good job, encouraging me to go on. But it's not pushy at all and –_ _ **Oh my GOD!**_

Shocked, he blinked.  
 _Eh… Did he just… Eh… Oh god… I kinda… Don't like this… Eh…  
_

Trying to swallow, he attempted to make it go away – and it did, just not fast enough. Feeling awkward and beyond embarrassed, he risked a glance up, only to find Kakashi smiling at him. 

Pushing himself back on his elbows, he found Shikamaru looking at him, a little awkwardly. Almost chuckling at the look on his younger lover's face, he brought out a warm smile instead, whispering, "You're amazing, Cuteness…" 

He swallowed again, feeling his insecurity down a little. But there was still this awkward feeling of something wet on his chin, and he didn't know whether to wipe it off, or just leave it be. **#9**  
"Cuteness," Smiling a little wider, he cocked his head, "Come here." 

Gladly obliging – since he didn't really know what else to do – he rested his body atop the older man's once more, startled as a pink tongue flicked out, gently though expertly cleaning him up. When he was done, Kakashi's lips captured his own and strong arms wrapped around him, pulling him in for a languid kiss. 

When they pulled apart, Kakashi smiled again, silently trying to ease his lover's insecurities, realizing very well just _how_ insecure this young man really was.  
 _Even though he_ _ **wanted**_ _to do it, it's still a huge step for him. And even though he's fucking_ _ **amazing**_ _, he only noticed everything that didn't go as smoothly as he'd hoped. Oh Shikamaru, you've got absolutely_ _ **nothing**_ _to feel bad about… Oh god… Please don't think you do, please don't decide this was a once in a lifetime thing?! You're…_ _ **Awesome**_ _!  
_

"Kakashi?" His voice was barely audible, eyes looking away, "That… That was really good for you…?" Swallowing, he buried his face against the older man's chest, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer, not sure if he wanted Kakashi to hear how insecure he felt. 

"Absolutely Cuteness. Absolutely un-fucking-mindblowingly-believable." 

"So…" Biting his lip, he realized he didn't know how to continue the sentence, not that he didn't know what to say, he just had _no_ idea _how_.  
 _I want to get better at this, I want to try again, but… I don't know… How to make that clear… And… I think… I really think I need his descriptive side to come out before I try again… At least to tell me what I got right, you know…?  
_

"Cuteness, I'm sorry I made you even more nervous than you already were. I really am. I just… Well, I think I…" An unseen embarrassed smile flashed across Kakashi's face, "You didn't like… Totally hate doing that, right…?" 

"No… I think…" Taking a deep breath, the Nara pushed himself up on his hands, "Let's get one thing straight here. If you ever want me to do that again, you're gonna get _descriptive._ You already freaking promised me you would – well," He interrupted himself, watching Kakashi's eye widen in distress, " _Implied_ at least. I wanna know what you actually _want._ And I wanna…" Scrunching up his face, he searched for the right word, eventually settling on, "Learn. But right now, Kakashi… I wanna fucking sleep because I'm totally exhausted and I seriously had too many things happen for one day. Oh, and I'm hungry," He smirked at the last statement, drawing a light chuckle out of his lover. 

"You're _always_ hungry… Tell you what, you try to stay awake a little longer and I'll go get you a snack okay? And after, we're going to get some sleep. I'm pretty beat too," He winked before gently pushing his boyfriend off his body and slipping out of bed. 

Shikamaru looked up at him, smiling wide. As he quickly pulled up his pants and headed for the kitchen, Kakashi was momentarily halted by the voice of the man he loved above all else. 

"Kakashi, I love you." 

"I love you too, Shikamaru." 


	19. I Just Want To Be There For Him

AUTHORS NOTE: So… This is another little convo between Shikaku and Tsunade – honestly the two talk way more than what you come across in the main story. They're friends, after all. And they both share in this huge secret that they can't tell anyone else about. The only two people in Konoha that know the truth about Kakashi Hatake's absence from the 'active duty list'. Well, apart from Iruka, Gai and… _Shikamaru_. Of course the guy's worried about his son, right? Thank you Letsrandom for pointing that little evasive detail out to me ^.~ 

Thank you Marina for being the Beta of my dreams :D 

I will take requests for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to Chapter_ _92; Oh How The Mind May Wonder_  
Drabble title: I Just Want To Be There For Him 

XOXOX

"Tsunade," Shikaku closed the door to the office behind him, "Do you have a moment?" 

She looked up with concern in her eyes, something in her friend's voice had alerted her that Shikaku really needed someone to talk to right now, "Of course. Lock the door, my friend. Shizune's probably going to be back soon, but she won't bother us if the door's locked." 

A weary smile drifted her way, "I don't want to keep you from your work, Tsunade…" But he turned the lock anyway before walking over to the desk and leaning his body against the side of it, "Do you… Do you think Shikamaru's going to be alright?" He asked her hesitantly, unable to look his friend in the eyes, he stared out the window behind her instead. 

"Shikaku…" Turning her chair a little so she could look at him, Tsunade sighed softly, "You're really worried about him, aren't you?" 

"He's my son, Tsunade. Of course I worry," He gave her a small smile, "But this whole 'Kakashi business'… Yeah, it only makes me worry more. I can't escape the notion that the guy's dragging him down _with_ him, you know? I realize that they're close and that it's only natural, I know Shikamaru's strong and he won't break so easily, but… I always thought Kakashi'd never break like this either. And Shikamaru…" He sighed, "He's just a kid, you know?" 

"I know, he's only fifteen. Even _if_ he's mentally stronger than most of the guys twice his age. He hasn't seen as much yet, hasn't learned how to deal with everything yet. He will though…" She looked out the window for a moment, her voice thoughtful as she continued, "I'm actually pretty sure he's getting a crash course in how to deal with a _lot_ of different things right now…" 

Nodding, he finally turned to face her, "That's what worries me, Tsunade. I'm not sure he's even ready for that yet. And…"  
 _And this isn't just his friend, it's his lover. I_ _ **know**_ _it. I just don't have any proof. You know it too, don't you Tsunade? It's just one of those things we don't talk about, but we_ _ **both**_ _know it to be true…  
_

"And what?" 

"And… I wish I could be there to guide him in this…" Shikaku sighed. His words were true, on all kinds of different levels.  
 _Guide him in dealing with the stress of dealing with someone who's broken down. Guide him in his first relationship… I want to be there for him, he's my_ _ **son**_ _. For heaven's sake, the boy's my son… And this relationship can't be healthy for him. I can't believe it. I can't believe that Kakashi's really good for him. Not when he's like this, at least.  
_

"Shikaku… Have you ever considered the fact that you might be babying him?" Tsunade's tone was serious, her look probing. 

"Excuse me?" He frowned at her, "He's my _son_ , Tsunade!" 

"And he's an accomplished shinobi in his own right. A young _man,_ Shikaku _. Not_ just a boy, he's growing up faster than any of us can keep up with, Shika –" 

"That's the _point_ , Tsunade! He's growing up too _fast_!" He turned away from her, hiding the tears that pooled in his eyes, whispering, "He's growing up too fast. He's got to be allowed to be a kid every once in a while…" 

"I know I've only known him for a couple of years, and I know I never got to know him _well_ until recently – No wait, I think I _still_ don't know him well. But as far as I can tell, Shikamaru's never really been a _kid_ , Shikaku. You can't tell me he's the kind of guy who'd run around with Kiba and Naruto pulling pranks on their elders. If anything, he'd be the one _getting_ pranked _._ Shikamaru acts more like an adult than most adults do. And Kakashi's probably the younger of the two, you _know_ that." 

_She's all but said it now… That they're more than friends. She's almost crossed that invisible line that we drew in the sand. But… Tsunade's right. I just… I miss him, and I worry for him. I would, even if he was officially an adult. I would, even if he wasn't so damned inexperienced. He's my son. Of course I worry. But maybe she's right about me babying him as well…  
_ "Do you really think I'm… Am I being overprotective, Tsunade?" Turning back to her, he regarded the woman with a questioning gaze. 

"Maybe a little," She conceded softly, "I'm just glad he hasn't picked up on it yet. Because honestly? I don't think he'd ever forgive you for that. I know that Shikamaru's still young, and he knows it too. And he can sort of live with people checking in with him every now and then, but… I'm pretty sure if he heard you right now… He'd never talk to you again, Shikaku. The brat's too damned _stubborn!"_ Frowning, she slammed her fist on the desk, "I _try_ to be there for the _both_ of them, but he won't _let_ me! I'm only ever allowed to handle Kakashi. Even _Iruka's_ less of a bother!" Panting, Tsunade rose out of her chair, pacing up and down the office like he'd only seen her do when it came to Kakashi. 

After just a minute or so, she calmed down again, giving her friend an apologetic smile, "Sorry, I didn't mean to worry you even more, Shikaku… The thing is, though… Of everyone involved, Shikamaru's probably the one that's handling the situation best. The only one that seems to be able to deal with _everything_ Kakashi throws at him." 

He slowly closed his eyes, his voice quiet, "And why do you think _that_ is, Tsunade?" 

"I know where you're going, Shikaku. But that's not it. He… Understands better. You would too, if Kakashi'd let you. Guy can run circles around me, intellectually. Around Iruka too, _and_ just about everyone else in this village. But _not_ Shikamaru. Not you. He just… Doesn't trust _you_ – No offense…" 

"None taken. He's got his reasons," Heaving a deep sigh, Shikaku Nara pushed the tears back, pushed his worries back. He had to, "You'll tell me if Shikamaru's going down, right? He's technically not _your_ responsibility anyway. And… I want to be there for him if and when he finally _does_ need me." 

A soft smile spread over Tsunade's face, "I will. _If_ he goes down, I'll let you know. But I wouldn't count on it, Shikaku. So far, he's proven to be stronger and more resilient than I could've _ever_ imagined." 

Looking up, Shikaku wore a light frown once again, slight accusation laced his voice, "You're _testing_ him, Tsunade." 

"I am. So far it's looking like I'm the fool. He's stronger than anyone I've met, with the exception of present company perhaps." 

The commander sighed, "Very well. I'll let you have your fun a little longer," He started walking to the door, unlocking it. But before he turned the handle, Shikaku turned back one more time, "If you take this too far Tsunade, if you hurt _either_ of them with your little test, you're going to be in deep trouble."


	20. Has He Finally Lost It?

AUTHORS NOTE: So… This is short… xD But still, I wanted to write it, and write it I did :) 

Thank you so much Marina, for taking the time to Beta even the smallest of tidbits for me ^.^

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^

XOXOX

 **Side notes to**  
 **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

XOXOX

 _Addition to chapters 94; Shikaku Knows  
Drabble title: Has He Finally Lost It?_

XOXOX

"Tsunade, a word?" 

"I'm a little busy at the moment, Shikaku…" Absentmindedly rummaging through the files on her desk, the blonde didn't even look up. 

" _Now_ please, Tsunade. Whatever you got there, it can wait," Frowning, he gestured to Genma and Raidou standing before the desk, "You guys will have to come back later. And Shizune, I need you out of here as well." 

As the three quickly did as requested, Tsunade frowned, "Oy, did I _tell_ you you could leave?" 

"I'm sorry Lady Hokage," An apologetic but at the same time cheeky smile spread over Genma's face, "But Shikaku is scarier…" The senbon betwixt his lips wiggled a little as the man suppressed a chuckle, and then they were gone. Shizune closed the door behind them and Shikaku immediately walked over to lock it. 

Frowning even deeper, she watched as her friend approached the desk. There was something in the way Shikaku moved that told her that this was beyond serious for the guy. But _only_ for him. Not the village. This was personal. 

Placing his hands on the edge of the desk, Shikaku leaned over to bring his face close to Tsunade's, "Listen very carefully, Tsunade. This is important, and I'm only ever going to say it once. You ready?" 

Her mouth suddenly dry, the blonde nodded mutely. There was a grave tone in Shikaku's voice, a seriousness in his eyes that almost scared her. A few seconds long, they simply stared at each other. Then, Shikaku leaned even closer, whispering in her ear. 

"I just walked in on my son and Kakashi Hatake, making out on the man's bed. _Pretty_ sure they didn't appreciate that very much, but I for one, couldn't be happier right now…" Pulling back again, a small smile played around the Nara's lips and there was a twinkle in his eye that hadn't been there in a long time. 

Tsunade's words were a breathless whisper, "Are you _kidding_ me…?" 

"Nope," Chuckling, he crossed his arms. But then, Shikaku suddenly turned serious again, "Kakashi needs you." 


	21. It's The Reality Of You And Me

AUTHORS NOTE: Another one set way before `Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives´ actually starts off. Another story about friendship and trust. And basically just a long side note to distract you all from waiting around for chapter 100 ;) 

Thank you _**so**_ much, Letsrandom321, for filling in for my Beta during this hectic time. You're amazing and I can only hope that someday I can return the favor ^,^ 

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to the facts about the friendship between Kakashi Hatake and Maito Gai._  
Drabble title: It's The Reality Of You And Me 

XOXOX

Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the worn wood of Kakashi Hatake's door. Only seconds later, the door was hastily opened, but no-one was there. A sad smile played around his lips.  
 _It's like that again, then…  
_

Stepping inside, he could just see Iruka disappearing into the bedroom, hear the younger man's voice as he mumbled soothing words. He could hear Kakashi crying softly. Letting out a quiet sigh, he ridded himself of his sandals, first walking into the kitchen to hang his flack vest over the back of one of the kitchen chairs.  
 _He should really put up a coat rack or something. Or even just a hook. I know he keeps his own flack vest on the hook in the bedroom, but when he is like_ _ **this**_ _we cannot bring anything potentially dangerous near his person.  
_

Smiling a little sadly at the sight of Kakashi's own flack vest, hurriedly thrown over the same chair, Gai sighed once more before walking over to the bedroom. 

As soon as he entered, Iruka looked up at him with tears in his eyes. Kakashi was pinned down on the bed by the younger man, currently only restrained by threats of disappointment on Iruka's side, even though the sensei's body hovered over the jounin. 

"You have to get to work, Iruka. I will take over here," Walking in, he sat himself down on the desk chair, watching as the brunette climbed off the bed. 

"He's…" Looking over at the silver-haired man, Iruka sighed, "He tried to stab himself again, Gai… I have _no_ idea where he found the tanto… It's over there now," He gestured toward the foot of the bed where the weapon lay on the ground, "I'm going to take it with me. Also… He hasn't eaten yet, refuses to. And I just couldn't…" Taking a deep breath, he wiped a hand over weary eyes. 

To Gai, it was clear the younger man hadn't slept at all last night. The dark bags under his eyes and his slumped posture only two of the many signs, "Are you alright, Iruka?" His tone was even, even though he was concerned about the man. But if he let that creep into his voice, Kakashi would react. The taijutsu master knew this, he just never knew exactly _how_ his best friend would react. Maybe he would start crying again, maybe he'd have a fit of anger. Maybe he would try to kill himself again.  
 _Better not find out._

For the moment, Kakashi lay limp on the bed. Spread-eagled and staring up at the ceiling. His breathing was even, though shallow. The pattern all too familiar to Gai. Shinobi used this breathing pattern to deal with intense pain; He'd heard Kakashi use it in his own home more times than he'd care to remember. 

"I'll be okay, Gai," Blinking, Iruka tiredly swayed on his legs for a moment, but managed to stabilize himself, "I'll be back after work, okay?" 

"No," He almost chuckled at the sensei's shocked expression, "You are going _home_ after work. You are going to _sleep._ I will stay here. Do not worry, Iruka. I can deal with him. You are exhausted, it would be too dangerous to leave you alone with him." 

"Maybe…" Swallowing hard, he closed his eyes for a brief second, "I have to go. Please try to see if you can get him to eat something, I…" He sighed, "Please. He drinks, if you order him to. But he hasn't eaten all day yesterday. I just…" 

"Could not bring yourself to force him. I know, Iruka. It is hard. I will make sure he eats, please do not worry. And I do not want to see you here again until morning. Preferably later. Just go home and rest up." 

Nodding solemnly, the sensei left with the tanto, leaving Gai alone with the seemingly __apathetic copy ninja. The taijutsu master rose to his feet, his voice commanding, "Alright, Kakashi," A wry smile played around Gai's lips, "Get up. Now," There was no response to his order, and Gai wished once again that he knew what was bothering his friend so much. But he would most likely never know, so he might as well accept it, "Hatake! Attention!"

Like a lifeless puppet, the silver-haired man rose from the bed. Standing to attention before Gai, before blinking, a whiny tone in his anger-laced voice, "Gai! Stop doing that!" 

He shook his head, but his tone was considerably softer, "Never, my friend. No so long as you insist on keeping your friends from truly helping you. Now, you need to eat." 

" _Tsch!_ " Dropping himself to sit on the bed, Kakashi glared up at the other man, "No." 

"Yes, you do. Do you want Iruka to worry? Do you want Konoha to mourn your death?" 

He looked away, out the window, "You guys'll get over it. Everyone dies. Let me _go_ , Gai." 

"Never. I'd sooner give my life than let you take your own." 

"I hate you." 

Slowly closing his eyes, Gai sunk back down on the chair.  
 _The most hurtful thing he can say – and he says it too often. Iruka cannot really deal with him when he is like this. I can. I just… Have to force myself a little right now. It has been a while. Which is a good thing, but somehow I always seem to forget how to close myself off to his angry depressions as time passes.  
_

"You go ahead. See if I care. Where did you get the tanto, Kakashi?" 

" _Tsch!_ " He scoffed, frowning as he kept staring out the window, "Like I'd _tell_ you…" 

"You're right, you would not. Which is why I am going over every inch of this place _again._ If you will not tell me where you keep them, I will have to search for your weaponry. 

A foul look was thrown his way, "Don't you dare." 

Gai simply shrugged, getting up and walking over to the built-in-closet at the foot of the bed. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Kakashi tense up, see how the grey eye widened, "I'll _kill_ you if you open that, Gai." 

He ignored the voice that seemed made of ice, reaching out to open the closet door before swiftly bringing his arm up, blocking the fist he'd been anticipating, "That's not going to work, Kakashi…" He sighed, grabbing the other's wrists and moving them behind Kakashi's back, "You are not going to win this fight. You are malnourished, tired and not able to concentrate. Now sit back down. Do not make me hurt you." 

Kakashi didn't seem to listen, struggling to break free. Shaking his head in frustration, Gai saw no choice but to tighten his hold on his best friend, making him hiss in pain, "Just fucking kill me then!" 

"Never. Now stop struggling." 

But Kakashi wouldn't. His back to Gai, his arms twisted painfully far, he still tried to fight the hold that the spandex clad jounin had on him. Trying to turn his body, Kakashi attempted a roundhouse kick, but again Gai had anticipated this, "Do I need to knock you out again or are you going to stop this yourself?" 

" _Fuck you!_ " 

Growling, he tried to break free once more, but Gai had had enough. Sighing in defeat, he quickly hit the back of Kakashi's neck, catching the falling man in his arms. He lifted his best friend, carefully placing the unconscious body on the bed, muttering, "I'm _sorry_ Kakashi… I am so sorry for this…" Taking a moment to collect himself again, Gai studied the once again limb form of the man he had called his friend and rival for so many years. 

Walking over to the closet once more, he opened the door without hesitation. Knowing that Iruka would do just about _anything_ not to have to rummage through this closet, Gai knew that it was up to him. This was most likely where Kakashi'd gotten the tanto. Iruka had surely checked the rest of the room. But not the closet, never the closet. More weapons were stored here, he knew. But the closet held other things as well. Clothes, towels, bed sheets. But also many less innocent items were held here. Whips, paddles, and things that Gai could not name so quickly were also neatly placed on the shelves. Iruka'd opened this closet once, searching for something in particular but after the younger man had stumbled across the collection held on _this_ particular side of the closet, he'd nearly had a heart attack. Gai chuckled lightly, it had never bothered him as much. But somehow Iruka seemed persistent in his believe of this perfect picture of the silver-haired man. Even if that picture was proven false every time they would take shifts here like they did today.  
 _I wonder why Iruka refuses to see the truth, it is not as if Kakashi is hurting anyone just by_ _ **owning**_ _these things. And yes, I realize he_ _ **uses**_ _them as well, but… That does not mean the man is deranged or dangerous –_  
He shot a look over to the bed.  
 _Well, he is both. But that has nothing to do with the things he owns. I do not understand why Iruka fears this. Kakashi is neither innocent, nor pure – no shinobi is. But he is not a monster. And implying that he is simply because of the items he keeps inside his closet is… Narrow-minded.  
_

Quickly sifting through the contents, he found a couple of kunai, about half a dozen senbon and another tanto hidden in between the folded clothes and sheets. These were the weapons that Kakashi would go for in his current state, not any of the other stuff.  
 _Though, if I am honest… They would make pretty decent weaponry. But Kakashi does not think like that, for which I am glad. I will simply stick these weapons back into the storage chest, slap a binding tag on and all will be safe. I will undo the bind again once Kakashi is acting rationally once more.  
_ A chuckle shook the man.  
 _Or as rational as he gets, at least.  
_

As he opened the chest on the floor of the closet, Gai didn't look inside, simply dropping the once-hidden weapons in there. The first time he had checked this apartment for weapons, after Kakashi's first suicide attempt – He was grateful that Iruka had not been around that time, and that he had been able to warn the sensei for such behavior before he'd ever encountered it – Kakashi had begged him to leave the chest alone. The contents were private, even more so than the right side of the closet. Gai shrugged, so long as he could lock it off for now, he had no reason to go through Kakashi's personal things. 

When he finished locking away everything in this room that his friend could use to hurt himself, Gai checked on the unconscious form of the copy ninja. He would be out cold for a little while longer, so he decided to go over to the kitchen and see what he could make for the man. Something that would be easy to keep down. Gai knew that Iruka had probably not noticed this, but Kakashi had clearly gone without food for a lot longer than just yesterday. Possibly as long as a week. He sighed softly, wishing once more that there was more that he could do for his best friend. 

XOXOX

Kakashi stirred, groaning a little. Gai's smile was soft and a little sad, "I am sorry, my friend. How bad is the head ache?" 

"I'll live," He sat up, muttering, "Unfortunately…" 

Deciding to ignore the last statement, Gai reached behind him, grabbing the bowl he had placed on the desk, "You need to eat, Kakashi." 

Frowning, he looked at him, sounding a little annoyed, "No I don't. Stop babying me. I'm fine, Gai. I'm not even hungry." 

"Only because you have not eaten for days. Your metabolism has stopped. You need to eat, Kakashi." 

"You think that if you keep repeating yourself often enough I'm going to agree with you?" Rubbing the back of his skull, he glared at the man sitting on his chair, "I get why people call you stupid. It's 'cause you _are_." 

Shrugging, Gai let the comment slide off. He knew that if Kakashi would remember these things later, he would regret them to no end: It wasn't how he really felt after all, just another defense mechanism, "Still. You are going to eat." 

"So you change from 'need to' to 'gonna' and think that's going to change anything?" Sarcastically, he looked up at him, "Idiot." 

"So you refuse, then?" Gai sighed quietly.  
 _So you will compel me to force you once more?  
_

"See?" Kakashi's tone was getting increasingly colder, "Moron." 

"You leave me no choice, Kakashi," Getting up, he sat back down beside the copy ninja, "Take that mask of your face before I rip it to shreds again." 

"Drop dead," Looking away, he frowned. 

"Have it your way, then," Reaching out quickly, he did as promised, ripping yet another of Kakashi's face masks. Gai never liked having to do this, knowing how important the mask was to his friend, knowing exactly how much money Kakashi would have to spend in order to replace this one. They were special ordered after all. But he also knew that if he tried to do this gently, like Iruka seemed to manage, he would end up with broken fingers. Kakashi would never hurt Iruka, but apparently Gai was fair game in his mind.  
 _Though that may just be because I am here through his violent outbursts, and Iruka is here for the whiney Kakashi that_ _ **I**_ _cannot deal with. We have found a way that works, however messed up it may look from the outside…_

Picking up the spoon, he scooped up some of the porridge before remembering something. Using his foot to drag the chair out of Kakashi's reach, he sat the bowl down on the wooden seat. After, he turned back to Kakashi. The silver-haired man regarded him with an angry expression, but a fearful look in his eye. He _knew_ what was coming next, and neither Kakashi nor Gai liked this. 

"I'll give you one more chance to just open your mouth, Kakashi. You know I will force you if I have to, but I don't particularly _want_ to do that. So I give you one more chance." 

"Go fuck your mother," Frowning, he looked away again. 

_Another insult. Colorful, I must admit. More so than I've come to expect at least, but still… It doesn't really bother me all that much. What bothers me, is having to do this to him again…  
_ Reaching out, his free hand gripped Kakashi's chin tightly, forcing his lips apart before shoving the spoon in. Then he forcefully kept the silver-haired man's mouth closed, "Swallow. Don't make me do _that_ to you." 

All he got for his troubles was an angry glare. So he reached out again, but just before Gai could execute his threat, Kakashi swallowed. He could feel his friend shaking violently, trying to pull away. Trying his best to ignore that, Gai scooped up another spoonful, repeating the process all over again with pain in his heart. 

Eventually, the bowl was empty. Kakashi was trembling, crying softly. Feeling like the most horrible person in the world, Gai finally let go of his best friend's face, feeling a sharp pang in his chest as he noticed the fresh set of bruises.  
 _It could not be helped. I know that, but this still hurts. It hurts so much that I am beginning to doubt if I can ever do it again. Every time it gets harder to do this to him. Every time I feel worse. I am sorry, Kakashi. I am so sorry. But I cannot just let you die. I cannot even turn you over to the medical core; They would surely admit you. You would never be placed back on active duty again. Shinobi with less issues than you have been forced to retire. But this life is all you know, and you have told me several times that despite all the hardships, you do not want to give it up. I cannot blame you for that, my friend. And so I will do what I can to help you, even if that means I have to torture you like this.  
_

Kakashi had crawled back on the bed, as far away from Gai as the situation allowed. Curled into himself as best he could, the man sobbed quietly. Swallowing, Gai watched him cry. Knowing that right now, he could not touch him. Right now, he could not help him. Right now, he could do nothing but wait. Pushing the chair back in his rightful place using his foot, he leaned over and put the bowl on the desk. Even though Kakashi would probably like him to, he did not want to leave his friend alone like this. No, Gai would simply wait it out. Again.  
 _There is no telling how long this will last. But after, he is going to need me. There may be very little that I can actually_ _ **do**_ _, but I will do whatever I can to help him. No matter what. My best friend, my eternal rival, I call you 'cool' and 'hip'. And you_ _ **are.**_ _When you are not reduced to a sobbing heap of misery. I miss you Kakashi. I miss the boy that I chased around all day, trying to get him to accept my challenge. I miss the young man that would stand up for me against his friends. Even though I did not need your protection, it was always such a good feeling to hear that you did not agree with them. That you were willing to risk damage to your own reputation just by being my friend. Back then, reputations_ _ **meant**_ _something to us. We were barely more than children after all. Thirteen, fourteen years old. Of course,_ _ **you**_ _have never had the chance to be a child. I still had something resembling a childhood, I had caring parents where you had the orphan's allowance. I never was jealous of your 'freedom' like so many others were, though I never pitied you either. I know you've always appreciated that, but… Do you know that I have pity for you the way you are now, my friend? Do you realize how hard this is for both Iruka and me? I know we downplay it when you ask, we have to. You would never allow us back in if we didn't. I fear that one day you will succeed, Kakashi. I fear that one day I – or even worse,_ _ **Iruka**_ _– will find your corpse here. There is not a thing that scares me more.  
_

"Gai…?" Swallowing his tears, he looked up. Still huddled up, with fear on his face, Kakashi's voice was trembling lightly, so quiet that his best friend could barely make out the words, "Are you angry?" 

"No, Kakashi. I have no reason to be angry with you. I simply wish the situation was different," Sighing softly, Gai turned on the bed slightly. Placing on knee on the bed, he turned his body to his friend. 

"Me too… I'm sorry, Gai. I'm quite the handful, no?" A small smile tucked at the corners of Kakashi's mouth, the fear slowly dissipating as his body relaxed just a little. 

Gai smiled warmly, "Sometimes." 

"Yeah…" Gai could see the man swallow thickly, literally pushing the words out, "Thank you Gai. I know I should eat. I just…" He sighed, "I want to die…" 

"I know. I wish I could help you." 

"You can't. I can't tell you about it." 

"I know. I wish that was different too." 

"Yeah…" 

Looking away, Kakashi fell silent once more. But this silence was a contemplative one. The silver-haired man was lost in thought, and even though those thoughts were most likely not very happy, he was calm now. Something Gai appreciated immensely. Almost an hour passed as the two friends sat in silence. 

"Gai… I didn't tell Iruka. He would worry, but…"Again he fell silent, taking a good five minutes to continue, "I think… It's probably infected, Gai…" Looking down he evaded his friend's warm eyes. 

"Where, Kakashi?" 

Another few minutes passed, "My back… I messed up." 

"Can I see?" 

Kakashi swallowed, but didn't reply. Gai just waited patiently, if Kakashi needed time, he would grant him that. Almost ten minutes passed, but suddenly Kakashi moved. Shifting until he sat on the edge of the bed, his back to Gai. Slowly, he lifted his undershirt, taking it off. Bunching up the fabric in his hands, his head dropped, "I'm sorry…" 

"I know. But I don't blame you, Kakashi," Carefully he studied the fresher marks on the pale skin. Taking care not to touch the man, "When, Kakashi?" 

"I don't remember…" He whispered, nervously gripping the shirt in his lap. 

"It doesn't matter. I'll have to clean it, though. I'll need to touch you." 

Kakashi nodded, but before Gai could get up to grab the first-aid kit, the silver-haired man whispered again, "Is it bad?" 

"Not really. I'm getting the kit now, okay?" 

Kakashi only nodded again, looking glum. 

When Gai returned from the kitchen, his friend hadn't moved. Sitting back down behind him, Gai took another moment to study the wounds on Kakashi's back. Some of them certainly _were_ showing signs of infection. So he decided to just clean everything thoroughly, "I'm going to start now." 

Kakashi nodded again, tightly holding on to his ruined shirt. As Gai worked as quickly as he could, methodically cleaning every cut, every scrape, Kakashi stayed as quiet as he could. But every now and then a hiss of pain would escape his lips. Gai tried not to pay attention to it, they both knew this needed to be done. When he had finished cleaning Kakashi's back, bandaging up the worst wounds, Gai softly inquired if there were any other placed he needed to check. But Kakashi shook his head a little, quietly asking if Gai could hand him another shirt. 

"Which one?" 

A small shrug, "Something loose, I guess. I shouldn't put pressure on my back right now… And I don't really want you to rip another one of these…"Kakashi let out a soft noise that almost sounded like a little chuckle. Smiling softly, Gai turned to the closet. 

Taking out a faded, black T-shirt, he handed it to Kakashi without forcing the other man to see him. Standing behind Kakashi, he reached over his shoulder, dropping the fabric in Kakashi's lap, "Here you go, is this alright?" 

Another quiet nod, and Kakashi quickly put on the shirt. Getting to his feet, he kept his gaze on the floor as he moved around Gai. Following his friend, Gai realized that Kakashi was on his way to the kitchen. Mentally preparing himself to act should his friend attempt to take either his own or Gai's flack vest, he seemed completely calm. 

"Would you please stop following me around?" 

He almost smiled, retorting, "Would you please just ask me to do whatever it is you have on your mind?" 

Turning into the kitchen, Kakashi sighed softly, "You're worried I'll grab a kunai or something from your flack vest." 

"Or from your own." 

Kakashi only sighed again, walking over to the trashcan to drop his ripped undershirt in it. Halting with the shirt just above the trashcan, he frowned before turning. Stuffing the shirt in the laundry bag that was next to the bathroom door instead, "Rags. I can still use it after I wash it." 

"Yes, you can," Gai suppressed a chuckle.  
 _Of course he wouldn't just throw it out. Kakashi never just throws something out.  
_

Kakashi frowned again, leaning over the laundry bag a little. It was stuffed full and for a moment, the silver-haired looked like the was a little confused. Straightening his back, he leaned his shoulder against the wall, staring off into the distance for a good fifteen minutes. Gai knew better than to interrupt him, instead walking over to the counter and filling a glass with water. He calmly drank, studying his friend's slightly annoyed expression. 

"Stop staring." 

Suppressing another chuckle, Gai bowed his head slightly in acknowledgement of the rectification, but he didn't speak. Kakashi clearly wasn't ready for him to speak yet. 

Eventually, Kakashi's eye regained its focus, and he frowned at the laundry bag again, his tone stunned as he seemed to ask himself when the last time was he'd gone outside. Gai only shrugged, not wanting to make a sound but somehow wanting to answer anyway. Kakashi threw him a frustrated look, "What day is it, Gai?" 

"Tuesday. Our last challenge was two weeks ago to the day." 

Kakashi blinked, muttering quietly, " _Crap_. I lost almost two weeks… How long's this been standing here…? When was the last time I cleaned up here…? The challenge with Gai… Something about weightlifting… Doesn't matter now. My back hurt, and… I went home… Hot springs the next day… Came home… There was… I don't… _Remember_ … Something went wrong, and… I tried to stop it… Went to the market and… _Somewhere_ … Wait," He blinked, "Why didn't I just go to Ruka's? Gai was out… But Ruka was right _here!_ Damnit!" Furious with himself, he looked up at Gai, but then he suddenly slumped back against the wall again, "Right… _Iruka,_ " A wry smile settled on his face and he started muttering again, "Stupid idiot… Should've done _something_ … Should've just done _something_ … Can't… Damnit… I promised him!" Frowning, he pushed off the wall, starting back to the bedroom. Gai simply followed. 

He watched Kakashi drop himself to sit on the edge of the bed, dropping his head in his hands. Sitting down on the chair once more, Gai remained quiet. Talking now would only serve to make Kakashi feel worse. Right now, his friend needed to be allowed to pretend he was alone. Even if it was pretty much impossible to ignore Gai's presence. An hour passed, and Kakashi was still muttering. His voice so quiet that Gai could only make out one or two words every couple of minutes. 

"Moron… No more… Fuck it… Alone… Can't go back… Bloody… No way… Monstrous… Hurt him…" Suddenly he looked up, a torn look on his face as he yelled at Gai, "I _hurt_ him!" 

Gai took a calming breath, "Iruka can take it, Kakashi." 

"That's not what I –…" Kakashi swallowed, murmuring, "Yeah, you're right…" 

A light frown settled on the taijutsu master's face, "Who were you talking about, Kakashi?" 

"Hmmm?" Looking up again, he pulled his face into an innocent expression, "Iruka of course. But you're right Gai, he can take it." 

Gai sighed, "Right… Well, at least you're feeling good enough to pretend again…"A wry expression adorned his face, but Kakashi didn't seem to notice, "You should probably get some fluids in, my friend." 

"Yeah, whatever…" He sounded distracted, gazing out the window once more. 

Taking a deep breath, Gai tried to ease his own frustration, "What do you want?" 

"Death," Suddenly he looked up, shocked, "Eh… Tea. I meant tea," Seeing that his friend clearly wasn't buying it, Kakashi sighed softly, "I'm sorry, Gai. I just… Sorry." 

"Be honest with me, Kakashi. Can I leave you alone right now?" 

"With you in the kitchen?" There was a resigned tone in his voice. 

Gai nodded, worrying the inside of his lip a little nervously as Kakashi seemed to need time to contemplate the question. 

"Yeah… Probably. I won't…" A sad smile played across his face, "I can't make any promises, Gai. But I think it'll be alright…" 

"Right… I will just have to accept that, then," He got up to make the tea, feeling a little worried despite Kakashi's words. Or maybe because of them. If his best friend couldn't say for sure whether or not he would hurt himself… That was pretty bad. 

After putting the kettle on, Gai quickly set out two cups before doubling back to the bedroom. A little anxious as to what he might find there, he did his best to keep his face neutral. In the doorway, Gai halted, sighing quietly. 

Kakashi was pacing, his fists slamming into his hips every other step he took. Muttering words that Gai could not make out, Kakashi's face was a canvas upon which turmoil was painted in the colors pain, regret and shame. 

Walking in, he softly called his friend's name. Kakashi immediately turned to him, a deep frown on his face. Taking a step closer, Gai extended his hand, intending to place it on Kakashi's shoulder. But his arm was roughly pushed aside, his body shoved back. 

"Get _away_ from me!" 

Taking another step back, he spoke in a soft tone, "Kakashi, please tell me what is on your mind." 

"Shut _up_!" Falling to his knees, he cradled his head in his hands, "Just shut _up_. You don't know _anything!_ Just _go_ , leave me the hell alone!" 

"You know that I won't, my friend," Still he spoke softly. His tone as even as he could manage, trying his best to hide his pain at Kakashi's words, his obvious hurt. 

Kakashi's breathing was shallow but loud, his body trembling as he whispered, "I'm a monster… Go away, Gai. You're better off that way…" 

"I am not. You are my best friend, I will _not_ leave you alone like this." 

"You don't know what I _did,_ Gai…" He whispered. 

"It doesn't matter. We're _both_ monsters, Kakashi. There is nothing that you have done that I would not given the same circumstances. You know that. We live this life, and it demands sacrifices. But there is one sacrifice that I will not allow you to make, my friend –" 

"What?" A humorless chuckle shook the silver-haired man, and he looked up with the most sullen expression that Gai had ever seen on his face, "My sanity? Too late, Gai…" 

"I disagree. Though I meant your _life_." 

"It's gone already – I'm nothing. Kill me and get it over with, will you? Or just go so I can do it myself…" He looked away again, his body slumping until he curled into himself once more. 

Gai took a deep breath, but just couldn't do it anymore. Yanking open the closet door, he began pulling out a clean uniform, throwing the items on the bed, "Get dressed Kakashi, or so help me I will drag you out of here like that!" 

Stunned, the man looked up at him, "Where…? Why…? I don't… Understand…" 

"Doesn't matter. You have five minutes!" Crossing his arms before his chest, Gai set his legs a little apart, watching as his friend slowly scrambled back on his feet. 

"Gai… You've never…" Blinking, he stared at the taijutsu master. 

"Four minutes, Kakashi. You want that face of yours on the sprawled on the front page of tomorrow's paper?" 

"N- _no_ ," He frowned, but then a whiney tone crept in his voice, "Why won't you tell me where you're _taking_ me?" 

"You'll see soon enough. Three minutes." 

Kakashi was obviously scared now, hurrying to change into his regular clothes, buttoning up his shirt, he looked up, "No way you're going to let me wear my flack vest, is there…?" 

Without a word, Gai reached into the closet once more, pulling out Kakashi's old flack vest. There were several tears in the thing, carefully patched up by the copy ninja. He threw it on the bed, "That one's empty. Wear that." 

As Kakashi thanked him in a tiny voice, Gai softly shook his head.  
 _Appearances mean more to him than anyone would ever guess. Strange that he cares so much about wearing his flack vest, appearing as a jounin in perfect control, while at the same time begging me to kill him… But I won't. I never will.  
_

Turning, Gai made for the kitchen to grab his own flack vest. As he made for the door, he noticed that Kakashi had not followed him. He smiled briefly.  
 _Right… I know what you are scared of, my friend. Do not worry, I would not do that to you. No matter how bad the situation, I would not do that to you. I promised you, did I not?  
_

Kakashi had sunken back down on the edge of the bed, trying to make himself as small as possible, his voice trembled, barely rising above a whisper, "You're going to take me to the hospital after all, aren't you?" 

"Kakashi…" He sighed, "I made you a promise, did I not?" 

"People break their promises all the time. No-one actually _cares_ about them…" 

"I do," Reaching out, he gently took hold of Kakashi's arm, "Come with me, my friend." 

"You think I'm beyond help, don't you Gai?" Unmoving, he still spoke quietly. 

"I choose to believe that is not true. Come," Tugging gently, he was pleasantly surprised to find his friend cooperating. As Kakashi rose to his feet, Gai let go again, "Come on, Kakashi. We're going for a walk." 

"No." 

"No?" Blinking, he regarded his friend, "You got dressed, I promised you once more that I would not leave you at the mercy of the medical ninja, you got up, and now you're saying _no?_ " 

"Correct." 

"Kakashi…" He sighed again. 

"Tell me where you want to take me." 

"You'll see when we get there." 

"Not good enough." 

For a moment, Gai closed his eyes.  
 _I got him_ _ **this**_ _far, it will work. Just… Be patient, Gai. Be patient with him…  
_ "There is someone that needs to talk to you." 

"Who?" 

Another sigh, "Minato Namikaze." 

"Minato-sensei is dead." 

Gai shrugged, "Never stopped you before, now did it?" 

Kakashi stayed quiet for a few minutes. But then turned to the door, a thoughtful tone in his voice as he muttered, "Maybe he'll finally allow me to join them…" 

XOXOX

As they came to the memorial stone, Gai stopped walking. An appropriate distance from the stone and where Kakashi usually stood, he waited. The silver-haired man easily stepped past him, walking up to the stone. His hand briefly touched the names of those that had given their life in service to the village, those that he missed so much. Gai knew this to be part of the ritual, he knew better than anyone how often Kakashi spoke to those who had departed this earth before him. Usually, his friend would sneak out before dawn, coming here to speak to his friends and sensei before returning to his apartment. Before the sun even began her ascent, Kakashi would be back in bed. Pretending for the world that he had been here all along. No-one saw him go, no-one saw him come back. But he would be here almost every day. 

Kakashi stood still, speaking in his mind to those that would hear him. Gai simply waited. An hour passed. Still, Gai waited. Still, Kakashi spoke silently. Another hour, and the sun began to set. But Gai waited as Kakashi conversed in silence.Dusk settled, and finally the silver-haired man turned back to him. Tears streaked his face, pooled on the edge of the mask before seeping into the fabric, "I want to go home, Gai…" 

Nodding, he walked up to his friend, resting his hand on Kakashi's shoulder for a moment, "Then we're going back." 

"Yeah… Say Gai?" 

"Yes?" 

"Thank you. You were right, I needed this. I can't tell them what I've done, but… I feel a little better now." 

A warm smile spread across the taijutsu master's face, "Good. We will get something to eat on the way back, is that alright with you?" 

"Let me guess," Some of Kakashi's aplomb seemed to have returned and his eye crinkled for only a second, "What food I had left grew legs and escaped?" 

"Saw it run off when I opened the door," Gai winked. 

"Let's go eat, then," Eye crinkling just a little, Kakashi cocked his head slightly. 

_Yes my friend, let's go eat. Let us celebrate that once again you have come back to us. That once again, you have returned from the dark abyss. And let us hope to god that it will last for a while…_


	22. Midnight Musing

AUTHORS NOTE: Here is a little looksie into the mind of one of the most quietly bashed characters on Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives: Iwashi Tatami. 

No Beta on this other than my own, sorry for any mistakes I missed…

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews of by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^

XOXOX

 **Side notes to  
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives  
**

XOXOX

 _Addition to chapter 99; Blasted Tsunade – sorta. It's somewhere around there anyway xD_  
Drabble title: Midnight Musing

XOXOX

Looking over at the girl beside him, Iwashi felt a little smile tug at his lips. She'd been good. Pretty good, at least. Yeah, this had been a nice night but now it was time to leave again. Slipping out from under the pink covers, Iwashi reached for his clothes.  
 _Sorry chick-who's-name-I-forgot, but Iwashi Tatami does not stick around for the morning-after-awkwardness. You're cute and all, but I'm not interested.  
_

Calmly walking out of the girl's bedroom, he looked around to get his bearings. His head was pounding and his footing was a little unstable. Still drunk, then. Sort of. More like that awkward moment between being very drunk and very hung-over. Iwashi pulled a little face, he'd gotten way too familiar with the feeling over the years.  
 _Moments like these almost make me wish I was a stable guy, like Raidou and Genma, but it's just not me. I dunno how they sit around their apartment all night and not get bored out of their wits!  
_

Catching the coffeemaker out of the corner of his eye, he contemplated making himself some to help clear up his head but it would most likely wake the girl up and Iwashi wanted to avoid that at all costs. Past experiences had taught him that _that_ particular situation was even _more_ awkward than sticking around until breakfast. So he crossed the apartment, put his shoes back on and left. The door closed behind him with a small but definitive click and Iwashi Tatami was a free man once more.  
 _The way I'm going I'm starting to run outta chicks to bang… Won't be long till I have start wooing them or something. The chicks that you just buy a drink and wow with your war stories are pretty much running out… Man, that sucks!  
_

His footsteps, though a little uncertain, were silent on the stairs leading back down to the street. One hand on the wall to stabilize himself, Iwashi found himself overtaken by thoughts he didn't entertain often.  
 _How do those guys do it anyway? Think Genma dates every now and then, heard him say something about another botched date a while back, but Raidou… Is he like a faggot or something? That why he don't date anyone? Maybe I should set him up with Izumo, guy needs to get laid sometime. And no way Kotetsu's letting him touch him like that! It's gross either way you look at it, but Izumo is my friend, so –  
_

Frowning, his foot touched the pavement, but Iwashi didn't move.  
 _Is he though? Are any of them? Izumo and Kotetsu hang out with me sometimes. We talk. Genma and Raidou seem to only want to push me away. They don't give a crap about me, do they? We're on the same squad but… I kinda got the feeling they'd throw me in front of a lethal justsu just to get rid of me. Even if they_ _ **could**_ _dodge it… They'd rather see me go, wouldn't they? And I guess Kotetsu and Izumo only really hang out with me cus they don't have anyone else to hang out with. Most think they're weird. And they_ _ **are.**_ _But I kinda… Like 'em. I guess.  
_

Sighing, he continued his way home. Keeping his head down as he crossed through all but deserted streets.  
 _I guess no-one actually_ _ **wants**_ _to hang out with_ _ **me**_ _… They don't listen to me at meetings, they try to avoid me in the hallways… What'd I do? Fuck this, man… I'm drunk. Drunk and sentimental. Something's gotta be wrong with me. This isn't normal for me. I just got laid, I should be doing good right now. What the hell…  
_


	23. A Father's Guidance

AUTHORS NOTE: So… what happened after Tsunade left Shikaku's office? You can read it here ㈴2

Beta by the wonderful Marina, thank you ^,^

I will take request for side notes throughout the main story, if there's a moment you feel like you've missed, let me know in either the reviews or by dropping me a note. I make no promises, but I'll consider every prompt ^.^

XOXOX

 **Side notes to** **  
** **Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

 _Addition to chapter 103: Losing Hold You Try To Find The Way  
_ Drabble title: A Father's Guidance

XOXOX

As he came up to the door to his office, Shikaku Nara raised his eyebrows in surprise as suddenly the door was opened from the inside, his blonde friend sighing quietly as she greeted him, "Shikaku, hello. Your son apparently wants to talk to you…" She left the room then, leaving the man to pick up the pieces of whatever had happened _this_ time. He couldn't help but sigh too. 

"Shikamaru," Closing the door behind himself once again, he walked over to his son standing by the window, "Care to tell me what's going on here?" 

"Not really," His voice was thick with tears, his forehead leaning against the window with a manner of defeat that Shikaku hadn't seen his son display before. Pushing off from the window, the young man walked across the room, putting some distance between himself and his father, "Dad, when you and mom disagree about something, do you like talk it out or does one of you decide what's best?" 

_So it really is Kakashi again. Well, I was the one that said I wanted to be more involved in my son's life. I was the one who said I wanted to guide him in his first relationship… I just never really thought about how I was supposed to do that…  
_ "Usually we talk it out. When we find that we really can't come to a middle way we usually go with the opinion of the one that'll be most affected by it. So for example when we bought a new couch, your mom won because she's home more than I am." 

"And if it affects you both equally?" Still not turning to face the man standing by the window, Shikamaru aimlessly ran his fingers over an old crack in the wall, "What do you do then?" 

Wishing he knew what his son was talking about, Shikaku frowned, his tone a little clipped, "We talk, Shikamaru. We talk it out like any couple should." 

"Yeah but… What if you can't? What if that would upset him too much?" 

" _Especially_ then!" Annoyed with the entire situation, Shikaku crossed his office in a few large steps. Laying a hand on his son's shoulder he almost roughly turned the boy around so he could look him in the eyes, "If you think he's gonna fall apart if you talk about it, then I _know_ you're already breaking. Why was Tsunade in here? Can't you discuss it with her? She can mediate between you two, right? Oh wait, you don't like women," Rolling his eyes to the ceiling for a second, Shikaku caught his second wind, "Then I'll do it. Or Gai, that's fine too. Iruka's too inexperienced, he wouldn't be of help and Choji is going to have a meltdown once he realizes that there's even fights between partners. So I'll do it. You just tell me what's going on and –" 

" _Dad, no!_ " Roughly pulling away, Shikamaru pushed himself tightly against the wall, "First of all, neither Gai-sensei nor Choji even _know_ about us yet, and secondly I'm not about to betray my boyfriend the second things get a little difficult. All I wanted was to ask you if there was another way to resolve a disagreement when you really don't feel like talking is going to help. And he's not the issue anyway. _I_ am. I don't know how to talk about this stuff yet, and Kakashi's been so fucking patient with me. But if I don't start talking soon I'll get myself in a mess I might not be able to get out of, so that's why I asked your advice. Not because I can't handle it, not because we need a goddamn referee!" 

"Alright, alright," Soothingly raising his hands, Shikaku took a few steps back. Settling himself in his own chair, he curiously eyed the book Shikamaru had obviously placed there.  
 _The Konoha lawbook, I should have known. And of course he's rechecking what the rules say about relationships with large age gaps. Was he trying to see if he could find a way to silence Yoshino if she disagrees with their relationship? She won't son, the only thing your mother disapproves of is the fact that you've moved out and never show your face anymore. She's going to want to change that – and you better let her. I can't deal with her crying herself to sleep every night anymore. Besides, it hurts me too. Of course I get to see you at work now and then, and apparently we now have father-son talks like this, but I want to see you when you're doing well, when you're the Shikamaru that I know and love so much. I want to get to know the Kakashi that you love – the man, not the shinobi. But most of all… I want to see when you need my help rather than you coming to me when you're already with your back against the wall and all out of options.  
_

"Son," Gently closing the book and laying it aside, Shikaku didn't look up, "Whatever it is that you find hard to talk about, I'm sure he realizes it. So if you just try, I'm confident he'll do his best to help you get your point across. Kakashi's not stupid, you know that. And he loves you, we both know _that_. Just try." 

Walking over to the chair Tsunade had occupied only a few minutes ago, Shikamaru slumped down, "That's not the point, dad. I can't really explain because it's really personal and I'm sure Kakashi wouldn't want me telling you about it – I don't really want you to know about it either. But it's like…" Looking away he bit his lip nervously, trying to come up with something to compare his situation to. 

"Let's just ignore the subject itself," Shikaku smiled a hidden smile, "Treat it as a sensitive mission. You're here asking how to bring it to the best ending possible, but the scroll is sealed so I'm not allowed to know its contents. So," Cocking his head just a little, he studied his son who was nervously fiddling with one of the pens on his desk, "There is something you need to bring up, but can't talk about. How about writing? Can you write him a letter explaining the trouble you have?" 

Shikamaru shook his head lightly, "I don't want him to feel like I'm against it. It's… Just his method that makes me a little queasy. Besides, he's easily hurt, dad. Kakashi is doing so much better but he's still pretty…" Risking a glance up, the boy apparently decided this much was okay. Though his voice was quiet as he added, "Insecure." 

Shikaku almost smiled, "Kakashi's always been insecure, son. Cocky, but insecure." 

"Yeah… How do you and mom do it when you have something to discuss that you don't really want to talk about…?" Carefully studying his father through his dark lashes, Shikamaru pretended to barely pay attention, picking apart the pen while he waited for his father to answer him. 

"Usually in the morning, if possible. I'll go have my daily meeting with Tsunade and then I go straight home. She'll have had her breakfast by then, we grab some tea and just sit down to talk." 

"How do you start? Like, how does she know what you wanna talk about?" 

"I'm home. That's enough for her to know it's serious," He smiled briefly, "Usually we both know it's something we need to talk about. If not, I'll broach the subject carefully. If there's a letter or something from the elders of the family I'll give it to her as I make the tea –" 

"But she's not allowed to read those, is she?" Confused, he finally looked up, "I remember you giving me fake ones to let me get used to the way they write things and learn how to deal with the contents accordingly." 

"True, but she's my partner. She's my wife, the mother of my son, my companion, my support – my _everything_ ," Shikaku's smile widened a little, "They'll just have to deal with it. If I didn't have Yoshino, I wouldn't be doing half as good as the head of the family. She's the one that usually comes up with the best response to those old geezers. I just do what she tells me because she's way more up to date on current affairs within the Nara family." 

"So you don't _talk_ ," Shikamaru sounded disappointed, "You do as she says." 

"Only when I don't know what they're talking about. Your mother keeps track of certain things for me, it's a team effort. She does always explain her reasoning to me, and if I disagree, we talk it out." 

"And if you can't reach an agreement?" 

The man shook his head slightly, "When it comes to the elders, we always do. You know that, Shikamaru. When you have all the information, there's usually only one course of action that makes sense. We can't go up against them too much because then the entire clan would fall apart," Leaning his arms on the table, he brought his face a little closer to his son's, "Your situation is different. You have to go search for common ground. The only advice that I can really give you is this: Choose a time of day when you're both fully awake and have nothing nagging at you like hunger or chores. Pick a time when you'll be able to sit down, talk for an hour or two, and still get all the most important stuff done. Don't worry about work too much, you're ahead of schedule right now. You can take a day if you need to. Then, when you talk, do it in a familiar setting, with a cup of tea or something else to drink. And whatever you do, _try to stay calm_. You can tell him you want to talk about something that's hard for you to talk about. Kakashi will understand – he's that kind of guy. So just relax and be honest about it, okay?" 

It was clear that the conversation was over, his dad was getting up to put the book back into the bookcase, not even looking at him anymore. This was just what he'd come to expect from the man. Shikamaru sighed quietly as he got up too, "Yeah dad… Thanks…"  
 _For nothing…_


End file.
